You Can’t Handle Stacy’s Sausage (Episode 2-2)

The Rumba is the dance of love, and tonight it brought out the bawdy side of the contestants on Dancing with the Stars. There was everything from pole dancing lessons to inappropriate breakfast meat humor. If this keeps up, they’ll have to start airing it in a later time slot.

Things started out on a positive note, since someone evidently told Samantha Harris to speak less throatily, and we were actually able to hear her during the intro. Tonight, the female celebs danced the Rumba and the male celebs the Quickstep. Who’ll follow Kenny Mayne and be the second celebrity eliminated?

Lisa Rinna and Louis van Amstel: For a woman used to playing sexy soap vixens, Lisa has a lot of trouble seeing herself as sexy. It’s actually pretty endearing, and it’s fun to see that she’s actually a goofball. Her equally goofy partner, Louis, suggested pole dancing lessons to help Lisa feel more comfortable performing some of the moves she needed for the Rumba. The lessons worked, and they earned a better score than last week. And yes, Lisa’s loving hubby, Harry Hamlin, was again sitting floorside to cheer her on.
Scores: Carrie Ann – 6, Len – 7, Bruno – 7. Judges Total = 20/30

Drew Lachey and Cheryl Burke: Feeling the pressure from earning first place honors from the judges last week, Drew and Cheryl stepped it up another notch for this week’s performance. They danced the best Quickstep of the night, with the fastest footwork of any couple. They’re an energetic pair who show what makes ballroom dancing so fun. The only thing working against them was their song, “Neutron Dance,” and the cheesy synthesizer it was played on.
Scores: Carrie Ann – 9, Len – 9, Bruno – 9. Judges Total = 27/30

Tia Carrere and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: After surprisingly winding up in the bottom two after the viewing audience voted last week, the pressure was on Tia and Max. Like Lisa, Tia struggled with the hip swivelling required for the Rumba. Max solved this by getting them hula lessons, although he seemed to enjoy his hula experience in a way that should’ve been kept in private. Again this week, Max showed the importance of good choreography, allowing Tia to shine in a dance more loving than overtly sexy.
Scores: Carrie Ann – 7, Len – 8, Bruno – 7. Judges Total = 22/30

George Hamilton and Edyta Sliwinska: Backstage, Edyta and Stacy engaged in a staredown over George, starting the evening’s running joke of a budding relationship between Stacy and George. Before several commercial breaks, George could be seen whispering in Stacy’s ear or trying to come between her and Tony. Hopefully, George will stick around a while longer so we can see if this fake romance was made to last.

Before dancing, we were introduced to Team George, the chiropractor and sports therapist who keep George out of the motorized wheelchairs they advertise during The Price Is Right. As he put it, “At a certain age, you get your head together but your ass falls apart.” As did Max, Edyta choreographed a routine that played to her partner’s strengths, relying on old Hollywood glamour rather than speedy footwork. Like Master P, George said he’s playing for people from his ‘hood: Palm Beach and Beverly Hills.
Scores: Carrie Ann – 8, Len – 7, Bruno – 7. Judges Total = 22/30

Tatum O’Neal and Nick Kosovich: Last week’s strong performance made Tatum and Nick a bit cocky, and encouraged Tatum to challenge Nick’s teaching methods. Their song, “Careless Whisper,” suited their careless performance. Carrie Ann pointed out that Tatum’s leg work was sloppy, and Tatum looked like she was about to cry.
Scores: Carrie Ann – 5, Len – 6, Bruno – 6. Judges Total = 17/30

Jerry Rice and Anna Trebunskaya: In preparation for the Quickstep, Jerry showed Anna how he gained his speed on the football field, by putting her through some of his old drills. He admitted that the best part was watching her get tripped up for a change. The black and white stripes on her top and on the lining of his tuxedo tails were meant to look like a referee’s uniform, incorporating his football background into their performance. They are a fun couple to watch, and Drew Lachey had better watch out if Jerry keeps improving. The crowd voiced their opinion, chanting, “Jerry!” after the performance.
Scores: Carrie Ann – 7, Len – 8, Bruno – 8. Judges Total = 23/30

Stacy Keibler and Tony Dovolani: Last week, Len said that Stacy and Tony’s dancing was “all sizzle, no sausage.” In training, Stacy threatened that Len “won’t be able to handle the sausage” they’d bring this week. She was right, and the judges praised them for performing the best dance of the night. While they seem unstoppable right now, Stacy was overanalyzing her dancing during training sessions, at the expense of connecting with Tony. That connection will be crucial as storytelling becomes as important as technique, later in the competition.
Scores: Carrie Ann – 9, Len – 10, Bruno – 10. Judges Total = 29/30

Master P and Ashly DelGrosso: After getting called out by Ashly for his lack of effort, P called her a snitch. And while he did actually attend each of their practice sessions this week, he refused to wear the dance shoes Ashly bought him as reward for his efforts. Their dancing was better this week, but P continues to drag around the dance floor in his P. Miller label gym shoes. He even told Len that he won’t wear dance shoes because his gym shoes are lucky. Must be, since he’s gotten last place scores from the judges two weeks in a row.
Scores: Carrie Ann – 6, Len – 5, Bruno – 5. Judges Total = 16/30

Giselle Fernandez and Jonathan Roberts: Giselle embraced the sexiness of the Rumba, bringing out what she called her “inner Rosarita” and showing off her rock-hard journalist abs. Who knew you’d have to be so buff to read from a teleprompter? Despite the distraction of Jonathan’s excessive chest hair, they gave a great performance. Carrie Ann even said that they are contenders to win the competition, prompting Giselle to shriek with joy.
Scores: Carrie Ann – 8, Len – 8, Bruno – 8. Judges Total = 24/30

1 – Stacy and Tony
2 – Drew and Cheryl
3 – Giselle and Jonathan
4 – Jerry and Anna
5 – Tia and Max, George and Edyta (tie)
7 – Lisa and Louis
8 – Tatum and Nick
9 – Master P and Ashly

As the dances were reviewed at the end of the night, Tia and Max received what could be called polite applause at best, and no applause at worst. Last week’s audience vote may not have been a fluke, and they could be in trouble again. Perhaps Master P’s bad attitude has finally rubbed enough audience members the wrong way and he’ll be voted out. It’s hard to watch Ashly fight a losing battle with him. And even if Tatum’s low score doesn’t get her eliminated tomorrow, there’s a good chance she won’t be able to recover emotionally from the judge’s criticism and she may be out next week.

Performing at tomorrow night’s Results Show will be Jesse McCartney. The fact that I have no idea who he is, but knew Burt Bacharach right away, shows just how out of touch I am with current music. Time to go listen to my Buddy Holly 45s.

My vote tonight: Tia and Max. Dude waxed his chest for this! How does that not earn a vote? I can’t even get my husband to shave his unibrow!