Harry Hamlin said that only a miracle or surgery could loosen up his
stiff frame enough to make him a contender. His miracle never came, and
Harry & Ashly became the next couple eliminated from Dancing with the Stars 3.

Last
night, the judges criticized a number of couples for breaking the
rules. Host Tom Bergeron gave Judge Len Goodman a chance to clarify
which rules had been broken. Len cited a general rule barring lifts. He
then defined a lift as follows: “Your partner picks you up off both
your feet, and you do a step you couldn’t do on your own.”

The
lift rule was broken during a few of the Performance Show Jives. Video
footage showed clearly that Willa & Max and Joey & Edyta had
included lifts in their routines.

For the Tango, the infractions
had to do with time spent in “proper ballroom hold.” Apart from
approximately ten seconds at the start and end of the routine, dancers
needed to be in contact throughout the rest of the dance. A video clip
detailed how Mario & Karina had broken their hold during the Tango.

“We’re
looking for the best all-around couple,” Len said. “We’re not looking
for a one dance wonder.” Couples are judged on how well they portray
the character of each of the dances, and, ideally, the couple who can
successfully execute the greatest number of dances wins.

Len
announced that Vivica & Max had earned the encore, before the other
judges reminded him that Vivica’s Tango partner was Nick, not Max. The
Shaggy song to which Vivica & Nick danced sounded even weirder the
second time around. All I noticed was the singer periodically grunting,
“Huh…What…Shaggy!” throughout the performance.

Next,
retro-rock group Scissor Sisters performed their song, “Take Your
Mama.” The band played on the dance floor — not the raised stage — leaving just
enough room for Cheryl and ousted pro Jesse DeSoto to perform. This was a
smart staging decision, as it meant the cameras were free to film both
the band and the dancers, rather than cutting away for too many
closeups of the band. The dancing was great and made me wish the song
was a bit longer.

While the band cleared the floor, Samantha
asked some of the couples about last night’s performances. Regarding
Emmitt’s low scores from the judges, Samantha asked him, “Were you
robbed?”

“At gunpoint,” Emmitt deadpanned. Samantha said that
when she talked to him after last night’s show, he was fuming mad. “I
still am!” said Emmit.

Sara said that the country flavor of last
night’s “hat, boots, and choreography were more my style.” She’d better
be careful, lest she confuse this with Fox’s new show, Boot Scootin’ with Celebs.

Then
it was back out to Tom on the dance floor, where he introduced a clip
package of feedback from the Performance Show’s studio audience. The
crowd was evenly mixed on whether following the rules was more
important than going outside the lines to please the crowd. One man told Len to
“lighten up on the Geritol,” while a female audience member said, “If I
want to see cartwheels and handstands, I’ll watch a cheerleading
competition.” One patriot said that “America is based on rules!” I
wonder where he stands on the Geneva Convention’s definition of torture.

After
that, it was time to announce the first safe couples of the night, in
no particular order. To their delight, Willa & Max were announced
first — surprising them more than the previous night, when Samantha
had told them they were falling in love. Sara & Tony were also
announced as safe, as were Monique & Louis. As the show faded to
commercial, Sara walked over to hug Willa, who was gleefully running in
place.

To prepare audiences for one of next week’s dances, the Paso Doble, the pros performed it, in the biggest spectacle in DwtS history. Italian tenor Vittorio, wearing a black cloak, lead a choir singing “O Fortuna,” from Carl Orff’s Carmina Burana.
The pros performed the dance of the bullfighter, with the women
clad in flowing black dresses, which mimicked capes. Behind it all, video
screens burned with virtual flames.

The whole thing seemed like some sort of dark ritual. It was Dancing with the Stars, as reinterpreted by Roman Polanski.

As
the singers and dancers cleared the stage and returned to their crypts,
Tom gave credit to Louis for the routine’s choreography.

Samantha
was backstage interviewing the three celebrities safe for next week.
Sara planned on taking her country-theme to new heights next week.
Perhaps she would ride out on a horse, and Tony could lift the horse.
Tony ran backstage in time to remind her of the rule: “No Lifts!”

Samantha
then put Willa on the spot, asking her who she thought would be
eliminated tonight, now that she and Max were safe. Max jumped in and
said he hoped for a four-way tie, and that no one would go home. Willa
agreed.

During an update of DwtS viewer Tysonia’s
progress in the Slim Fast challenge, she Waltzed in front of her
coworkers. She pulled off the dance, knowing that if she didn’t, she’d
never hear the end of it at work. Next week, she has to wear a skimpy
dress for the Samba.

Scissor Sisters came back out to perform “I
Don’t Feel Like Dancing,” or as Tom called it, “The Tucker Carlson
Story.” The judges danced in their seats during the song. Scissor
Sisters is my kind of band. I’m sure I would’ve heard of them before
tonight, if it was seven years ago and I was still cool.

Another prerecorded segment featured the judges
discussing what they expected from performers throughout the
competition. Len said he looks for technique and hold, and how they
sell the performance. “You must feel good about your routine,” he said.
“If you haven’t got confidence, you won’t perfom well.”

Carrie
Ann said that she accounts for each celebrity’s individuality. “Joey
Lawrence’s best performance won’t look like Emmitt Smith’s best
performance.”

Carrie Ann and Len then pointed out some of each
celebrity’s strengths, giving special attention to Sara. I think
Carrie Ann was trying to be figurative when she said, “Each week, Sara
unbuttons another button of her top, and she lets more and more of
herself come out.”

After the judges’ segment, two more couples were announced as safe: Vivica & Nick and Joey & Edyta.

With
the fate of four couples still uncertain, a final prerecorded interview
segment prolonged the tension. Harry said that this competition would
be a piece of cake for him, if he were up against the contestants from
Season One. We learned that practicing has become a full time obsession
for Joey and Willa, prompting Jerry to ask, “What are they, nuts? Don’t
they have anything else to do?”

Mario & Karina and Emmitt
& Cheryl were revealed as the next two safe couples. This left
Jerry & Kym and Harry & Ashly in the bottom two.

Not
wanting to prolong the agony, Tom quickly told Harry & Ashly that
they’d been eliminated. Tom expressed his shock, and some of the crowd
booed the results, as Harry & Ashly made their way over to the
hosts.

Harry tried to be stoic, saying the experience has given
him an “extreme body makeover” and the chance to dance with “a
goddess.” Samantha foolishly tried to ask a sobbing Ashly about Harry’s
dedication. Ashly was far too overcome to answer. Ironically, Ashly had
survived more weeks last season, when she was partnered with the
disinterested Master P, than she’d been able to with a committed
partner like Harry.

As the show ended, Ashly danced with Harry
to “All By Myself.” And last season’s crying queen, Lisa Rinna, sat in
the audience, watching her husband’s final dance.

Next week, the celebrities perform either the Waltz or the Paso Doble.

Here’s our special ode to Harry. You may not have been great on the dance floor, my friend. But nobody can say you don’t know how to have a good time…