Pirate Master: Episode 3

Even on a ship full of pirates, politeness counts.

As the seafarers journeyed to the site of their next treasure hunt, professional glass blower Laurel mused about how living in a van for the last year prepared her for Pirate Master: "Being a pirate is more about your state of mind than anything. Doesn’t matter if you’re on a boat or on a van."

Fashion publicist Alexis was similarly philosophical about life on a ship: "Dude, like, this is a lot of work."

Then it was time to choose teams and hunt for loot. Captain Joe Don and his officers Cheryl and Ben lead the Black Crew, accompanied by Alexis, Joy, Laurel, and Sean. If his Red Crew was successful, Louie’s nemesis, Capt. Joe Don, would lose his title.

Rowing to shore, the Red Crew gained a lead on Black. The lead grew when, after getting out of the boat to pull it over a sand bar, Alexis refused to get back in the Black Crew’s boat, preferring to walk on the sand instead.

After a run through the jungle, both teams arrived at a river to hunt for a submerged skull containing the key to the next treasure chest. Louie found the key for the Red Crew, and the race was essentially over.

The treasure chest they brought back to the boat contained $35,000 in gold pieces. More important than the money, Joe Don and his cronies were out, and the Red Crew needed to elect a new captain. They chose seventh-level chaotic evil sorcerer Azmyth, who picked his crush, Jupiter, and Jay to be his officers.

Azmyth’s rise to power immediately brought about some changes. First, he combined his share of the money with his officers’, and they divvied it up so that everyone on the Red Crew got the same amount.

More importantly, Azmyth inexplicably began speaking with a quasi-British accent. Jay said it was "like somebody gave him, like, an English pill or something," since the accent only surfaced after Azmyth first walked into the captain’s quarters.

But the pill never wore off, and the accent remained, even as the captain and his officers deliberated over which crew members should be given The Black Spot, marking them for elimination.

Alexis was an obvious choice, after the way her dawdling hurt her team. They hoped a black spot might serve to motivate Laurel, who seemed to be coasting. That left one more spot, and Joe Don certainly deserved it.

But Jay — who’d been getting money on the side from Joe Don — suggested that Cheryl might be the better choice. He didn’t like her aloof attitude, and he argued that she should be forced to defend why she’s kept her distance from the rest of the crew.

Captain Azmyth and his officers gave the final spot to Cheryl. Once the crew learned who was up for elimination, Jay began to rally troops to get rid of Cheryl. Nessa, Christa, and Kendra were on board, as was Louie, who was eager to get rid of anyone remotely tied to Joe Don.

Since eight pirates would vote to determine who would be cut adrift, Jay needed to secure one more vote against Cheryl for a majority. He gave Sean, who was inclined to vote for Alexis, $1000 to vote his way.

At Pirates Court, Aussie host Cameron Daddo asked Azmyth, "Have you got an accent now?" Azmyth replied that it came with the hat and coat. He then explained his reasoning for giving the black spot to Cheryl, Laurel, and Alexis.

Jay arrogantly disclosed that he’d been the one to nominate Cheryl for elimination, because of the way she "looked down her nose" at him. If she didn’t go home that night, Jay had made himself an enemy with that speech.

Then it was time for the three pirates in jeopardy to defend themselves. Laurel said that she really wanted to be there, and hoped everyone knew it. Cheryl said that she’d stayed apart from the crew at Joe Don’s request, and was doing her best to be a team player.

Alexis offered an argument that has become the standard reality show explanation for a bad attitude: "I’m me, and I haven’t put up any front or any facade, or tried to do any sugar-coated tap dance ‘this is me’ for any of you. You know what you’re getting."

The essence of that argument is, "I’m a jerk, and I’m not going to change for you," and that ‘sugar-coating’ is more commonly known as manners. Admitting to a lack of understanding of basic social graces didn’t give Alexis’ fellow pirates much reason to keep her around.

When the votes were cast, they were split evenly between Cheryl and Alexis. It turns out that, in the event of a tie, the captain casts the deciding vote. Azmyth voted for Alexis, and she was cut adrift.

Next week, Sean has to explain to Jay why he changed his vote from Cheryl to Alexis.