Scumbags (Episode 11-12)

Do you hear that? That mournful sound is the wailing of doormen across the country crying out for their brother, Judd, the latest castaway voted off of Survivor: Guatemala. Judd’s gentle, honest, and coherent nature made him an ambassador for doormen everywhere. And if you don’t think so, you’re a scumbag.

This episode’s Reward Challenge gave Judd the perfect opportunity to inadvertently engineer his own demise. It was time for another Survivor auction, where contestants bid on healthy snacks like beef jerky, cookies and milk, and a Philly cheesesteak. Danni took home the lion’s share of the booty, buying the beef jerky for herself and sharing the cheesesteak with Rafe. Danni also purchased the most important item up for bid, a clue to help her win the next Immunity Challenge.

The final reward up for bid was the inevitable family visit. Survivors’ relatives paraded out of the jungle so that the Skinny Six could bid on a night at camp with a loved one. Cindy, who was out of the running after dropping much of her wad on the cookies, loaned Judd the money to buy a night with his mafia moll wife. The woman wore a lime green, terrycloth jumpsuit into the jungle, man! How are you planning to use the can when you’re wearing a one-piece? Judd seemed to dig the outfit and said that looking at his wife was “like eating twenty-five White Castle cheeseburgers, man.” Apparently Judd missed the Seinfeld episode where George tried to combine food and sex into one perverted activity. George couldn’t eat a pastrami sandwich without getting turned on!

In a shocking twist, which has only been used two or three times each Survivor season, Judd got to pick two people to share in his reward. The remaining tribe members would have to spend the night in exile at the old Yaxha camp. Judd let Cindy bring her twin sister, Mindy (not a joke), since she loaned him money.

This was where things went wrong for Judd. He could’ve picked Rafe, who was predictably crying at the sight of his mother. He could’ve picked Danni, whose brother looks like a bigger version of Rafe, so it would have been like picking a fourth tribe member to share in the reward. Or, Judd could’ve picked Lydia so that she could spend a night with the brother she hasn’t seen for two years. Instead, misguided loyalty won out over intelligent gameplay and Judd allowed Steph to bring her bland boyfriend Mike back to camp.

Rafe, Danni, and Lydia were the worst three people to leave together. Danni and Lydia were both fighting for their lives, and Rafe’s the smartest person on the island. They decided that if Stephenie had proof Judd would turn on her, she’d turn on him first. All they needed to do was return to camp and get Judd to put his foot in his mouth.

It didn’t take long for that to happen. Lydia asked Judd how badly he wanted to be in the final two, and what he was willing to do to get there. Danni walked over just in time to hear Judd say that he knew who was really in control and that they all had to do what was necessary to win. He even threw in his favorite squirrel trying to get a nut analogy. Lydia and Danni felt they had enough ammo to convince Steph to turn against Judd.

The Immunity Challenge was essentially a 3-D version of the Intellivision game Snafu. Contestants moved across a tiled board in turn and weren’t able to stand on any tile that had been previously stepped on by any contestant. The object was to keep moving for as long as possible without getting painted into a corner. Danni was able to use the clue she purchased to swap positions on the game board with any tribe member. She switched spots with Steph and went on to win Immunity.

Any plans to oust Danni were put on hold, and the alliance decided to boot their second choice, Lydia. But Danni got to Stephenie, telling her about Judd’s budding plans to get rid of her. Steph reasoned that Judd had already lied a lot and Danni hadn’t, so Danni was probably telling the truth. The two ladies discussed the matter with Rafe, and Judd’s fate was sealed. Lydia was brought in as the fourth vote, leaving Cindy and Judd as the only two without a clue.

Upon arriving at Tribal Council, where jury member Jamie wore a hideous, hot pink ringer tee, Judd told the group that whoever was voted out would just have to deal with it. Jeff read the votes, and Judd proceeded to not deal with it. Leaving as graciously as could be expected, Judd wished that the remaining contestants be bitten by a freakin’ crocodile and then called them scumbags, twice.

Judd’s ranting continued in his exit interview. He was pissed about being blindsided, unlike previous blindside victims Jamie and Brian, who viewed it as a sign of respect. Best of all, Judd was mad that he’d been lied to since he hadn’t lied in the game. Just last week, Judd admitted that he lied about the location of the hidden Immunity Idol! How quickly some people forget.

In case anyone was wondering, that wasn’t a cardboard cutout of Judd sitting on the couch during the Febreze Family Moment. It was Judd’s twin, who apparently isn’t shaving until Judd comes home with $1 million. Good luck with that, Rip Van Winkle. And no, the twin’s name doesn’t rhyme with Judd.

Guatemala will be a sadder place without Judd. But he assured viewers in his exit interview that he’d have a lot to say to the final two contestants at the last Tribal Council. We can only hope for some ridiculous prepared speech that rivals Sue Hawk’s explosion from the first season. Until then, this cheeseburger’s for you, man.