DwtS 4, Week 3: Results Show

I wasn’t shocked by the couple eliminated on tonight’s Dancing with the Stars Results Show. I was shocked by how little respect ABC has for the stars that make the show a success.

The Week 3 Results Show began with a recap of last night’s performances, including the missing footage of the very end of Ian & Cheryl’s Jive. When the camera cut away accidentally during the Performance Show, all viewers missed was Ian losing his footing and dancing out of time with Cheryl — nothing as salacious as I’d hoped for.

Speaking of all things Salacious, Joey & Kym were asked for an encore of their Star Wars Tango. I was able to focus more closely on the dancing this time, and I was impressed — although Joey really does need to tuck in his butt.

The first performer on a performance heavy night was by Ciara (pronounced like Sierra), accompanied by some random dancers. Since none of the DwtS pros were involved, I took the opportunity to check in on the NCAA Women’s Basketball title game. Candace Parker, the pride of Naperville, Illinois, was leading her Tennessee Volunteers to victory.

After Ciara’s performance, Samantha Harris caught up backstage with two couples who took a beating from the judges last night: Ian & Cheryl and Laila & Maks. Ian vowed to work harder in practice this week, and Laila admitted that she and Maks regretted breaking the rules.

Then, Joey & Kym and Apolo & Julianne were announced as the first couples safe from elimination. Joey & Kym plan to keep emphasizing showmanship, and Apolo hopes he and Julianne will be ready to take over the top spot should one of the other couples slip up.

The highlight of the Results Show was, as it often is, a performance by the DwtS Pros. Cheryl, Elena, Karina, Edyta, Jonathan, Brian, Maks, and Alec danced the Paso Doble to "Eye of the Tiger," performed live by Survivor. With all of the close-ups of the aging rock band, be thankful if you didn’t see it on HDTV.

In reference to Rocky, the men wore wear boxing robes and the women wore championship belts. The routine was certainly a spectacle, but it was also a quality Paso Doble. Jonathan and Cheryl were responsible for the fantastic choreography.

The performance was followed by another Jimmy Kimmel bit, which again centered putting his parking lot security guard, Guillermo, in a dress. If that’s going to be the joke every week, I’m not even going to bother mentioning the segment.

Then it was time for another performance, this time by Josh Groban. Tony and Julianne provided the dancing accompaniment, including a number of lovely lifts.

Before the season began, a clairvoyant and a numerologist made predictions about who would win this season of Dancing with the Stars. The numerologist picked Laila & Maks, while the clairvoyant chose Ian & Cheryl.

Both are good picks, unfortunately, the reasoning behind those picks doesn’t hold up under too much scrutiny. Apparently Ian has a purple aura, which is generally reserved for heads of state and CEOs. And Steve Sanders.

They had a few other predictions as well: Heather will cry by week 5. John’s aura indicates a "significant lower back problem." And Joey is going to drive Kym to a breakdown.

I think the only people less reliable than these pseudoscientists are baseball analysts who hate Moneyball. Maybe ABC can borrow Joe Morgan and Steve Phillips (or, as my husband calls him, "the profoundly stupid Steve Phillips") from ESPN to make predictions on next season.

In another pretaped segment, the celebs talked about how horrible and scary the Results Show is. Most unnerving is that they have trouble hearing the hosts, so last week, Billy Ray didn’t immediately realize that he was safe.

Fittingly, when Tom then announced that Heather & Jonathan were safe this week, Heather turned to Jonathan and asked, "Huh? What’s that?"

Shandi & Brian and Leeza & Tony were announced as the couples in tonight’s Bottom Two. After plenty of commercials and much suspenseful stalling, Shandi & Brian were told they’d been eliminated.

As soon as their names were read, Tom asked the couple to quickly come over to the microphone: the show was almost out of time. Shandi said, "I honestly cannot speak highly enough of everyone," and hoped that she hadn’t disappointed Brian.

Before they could say anything else, they were ushered onto the dance floor.

If ABC is going to make the Results Show an hour long — and loaded with cross-promotional filler material — the least they can freaking do is give the ousted celebrities and their partners a couple of minutes to say good-bye.

The stars are the reason that people watch the show, and by cutting them off, it slights the fans of the show. It’s rude and disrespectful. But I guess we can’t expect much from the same network that cuts off Academy Award winners mid-speech.

When Shandi & Brian began their farewell dance, the band and singers crooned, "So I’m never gonna dance again…" — the chorus to Wham’s "Careless Whisper."

Next week, the remaining couples will dance either the Paso Doble or the Waltz. Here’s hoping that ABC shows more respect for whoever’s eliminated next week than they did for Shandi.