Pirate Master: Episode 2

Tonight’s episode of Pirate Master did a lot to explain the current political climate in America. The TV pirates proved that people are remarkably tolerant of crappy governance.

The episode began with Captain Joe Don assigning some key roles on the ship. Sean’s bartending experience earned him the role of Cook, and wily auto parts salesman Jay was chosen to be Bosun (or Boatswain, if you prefer the proper spelling).

Bosun is essentially the lead crewman, or as Jay put it, the pirate equivalent of a union representative. Jay hoped the job could help him win favor from both captain and crew, while Joe Don hoped Jay would serve as a kind of spy.

Then it was time for breakfast: disgusting gruel with hair in it for the crew, and bacon, fruit, and rum for the captain and his two officers, Ben and Cheryl. Watching Joe Don chow down as they swabbed the deck served only to annoy the hungry crew.

Finally, it was time for this week’s treasure hunt. The rules were that the captain and his officers would head the Black Team, and everyone else would draw colored marbles to see if they were a part of the Black or Red Team. If the Red Team found the treasure first, they would install a new captain, and Joe Don would be out.

Teams swam to shore, but weak swimmer Kendra held up the Red Team. They were further slowed down on a long uphill run by the pokey giant, Christian, and Joy, who fell and injured her knee.

The Black Team raced ahead to a pit of snakes, where dreadlocked seventh level chaotic evil sorcerer Azmyth dove in and found a clue box. Inside the box was a "compass plate," an etched piece of metal that, when placed upon a nearby altar, would point the way to the next treasure.

Azmyth placed the compass plate upon an altar and used his magical powers — which arise from his dreadlocks — to find the location of the buried treasure.

Upon returning to the pirate ship, the Black Team learned that they’d found $45,000 worth of gold coins — half of which went automatically to Captain Joe Don. He was given the option of choosing two new officers, but he kept Ben and Cheryl, who split a quarter of the loot. The rest of the team got $2250 each, with no bonus for Azmyth, even though he did all of the work.

Just to keep the crew on his good side, Joe Don decided to give the members of the Red Team a little cash: $200 each. Needless to say, the crew was more insulted than they were grateful.

Then Joe Don offered his bosun, Jay $2000, as "a reward, not a bribe." Jay didn’t care what it was, but planned to keep the gift a secret so as not to upset his crewmates.

So, out of his $42,500 haul, Joe Don gave away $3400 — and actually thought he’d been generous.

When it came time for the captain to assign "The Black Spot" to three crew members before Pirates Court, he and his officers reasoned that they could deflect any hostility toward themselves onto the three pirates who’d performed the worst in the physical aspects of the challenge: Joy, Kendra, and Christian.

And their plan actually worked! Despite a bunch of mutinous chatter, Christian lost to Kendra in a vote of 5-4. No one even cast a vote for Joe Don. In their minds, the crew must have thought it better to eliminate someone who might cost them money in the future, rather than getting rid of the guy who was already robbing them blind and working them like slaves.

It’s going to be very hard to feel any kind of sympathy for these idiots if they keep putting up with Joe Don’s bullshit. Then again, Joe Don’s superior attitude is funny, and part of me really wants it to continue.

Next week, Louie vows revenge on Joe Don for the ouster of his pal, Christian. And, since Joe Don revealed at Pirates Court that he gave money to Bosun Jay, Jay uses some of the dough to buy Sean’s support.