I commend the producers of Treasure Hunters for making
adjustments to the show format since last week. Gone are the previews
for upcoming show segments and endless repetitions of prerecorded
clues. Still, the show feels more like an hour-long commercial than a
race.

After the Outer Limits-inspired show intro, teams
were woken up at 2 in the morning by the ringing of their (insert brand
name) cell phones. The clue: drive your (insert brand name) SUV to the
Lexington Mines in Montana, making sure to read the (insert brand name)
billboards you’ll pass along the way.

Most of the teams used
onboard GPS systems to find their way to the mine; the Hillbillies,
formally known as The Wild Hanlons, preferred to let Pat Hanlon invent
some nonsensical method of navigation.

Producers seem determined
to make the Hanlons look stupid. I’m sure they have plenty of flaky
moments, just like the other teams, but any time the Hanlons are shown,
they are doing something that ranges from moronic to insane. Only at
the very last second do they seem to display anything approaching
coherence. More on that later.

At the mine, two members of each
team piled into a coal car that took them through the mine. The car
could only hold six people, so three teams entered at a time. Inside,
contestants found a bucket inside a pit of snakes. Staying true to
stereotypes — which is one of the tenets of this show — every woman
who approached the pit squealed at the site of the snakes.

The
words “bend the light” were inscribed on the outside of the bucket.
Inside the bucket was a glass lens, concealing a clue that could only
be read when water was poured onto the lens, refracting a light which
shone from above. As soon as the first team figured out how to read the
clue, the other teams noticed the wet lens and the solution was obvious.

The
clue directed teams to drive 150 miles to the Wood Bottom camp site,
along the Missouri River in Montana. Team Air Force, the first team
out, used their (insert brand name) laptop computer to search (insert
brand name).com for directions to “Wood Bottom, Missouri.”

When
Air Force arrived at the correct location (Hey, that must be a good
search engine after all!), they were told to paddle a canoe during
daylight hourse, looking for 14 star-shaped symbols along the river
bank. Their next clue was 40 paces behind the 14th star.

As it
was already dusk when they arrived, Air Force had to wait with the rest
of the teams until the next morning before heading out. Everyone
enjoyed a steak dinner before turning in for some much needed rest.

Everyone
except the Hillbillies, that is. Josh and Ben, normally the two more
capable Hanlons, spent 11 hours looking for the clue in the mine.
Considering how quickly everyone else solved the riddle, it seems
strange that they could take so long — unless they were nudged to take
their time, knowing that the other teams wouldn’t be able to get much
of a head start on them. Again, more on this later.

The
Hillbillies finally got to camp at 3:30 a.m., where they spent about
six hours sleeping in their (insert brand name) tent. They finally left
camp nearly four hours after the lead team.

But the Hillbillies
were by no means out of contention. The Brown family capsized their
canoe, and briefly contemplated walking all 20 miles along the river
bank. They got back into the canoe, only to be passed by the Hanlons.

Then
the Grad Students, got into trouble when Jessica stepped in a hole and
twisted her knee. A medic bandaged her up and gave her crutches, but
they, too, were passed by the Hanlons.

Meanwhile, everyone else
found the next clue: a journal containing a key for decrypting a code
designed by Thomas Jefferson and Lewis & Clark. Along the way,
pastor Fogel and his family acted devilishly, and Miss USA talked about
snack food while bouncy, ditzy music played in the background.

Teams
then drove to Tower Rock State Park, where they decoded a message using
their key. The message instructed them to look under a dark rock on a
hill, where they found a compass — the show’s second artifact, to go
with they map they found last week.

The Hanlons were the seventh
team to arrive, but spent they four hours trying to crack the code
before giving up and going to get hamburgers. While they were gone, the
last two teams reached Tower Rock.

The Grad Students found their
compass and finished in seventh place. Miraculously, Josh Hanlon was
able to crack the secret code immediately after the Hanlons returned
from their burger run, and the Hillbillies found the final compass just
minutes before the Browns.

It is impossible to watch the Hanlons
blunder about, only to figure things out in the nick of time, and not
suspect that on-site producers or camerapeople coached them to take
their time or ham it up. At the very least, much of the Hanlon footage
feels like it was reshot, all in a futile effort to make the Hanlons
into the funny regular guys that viewers are supposed to root for.

The
whole cast seems like a collection of the worst reality show cliches:
bumbling Southerners, bubbleheaded babes, un-Christian Christians,
stupid geniuses, and the ever-popular black men who can’t swim. Get
some girls with eating disorders and some gay guys, and we’ve got
ourselves a season of the Real World.

The cliches, the forced humor of the Hanlons, and the excessive product placement make Treasure Hunters
feel like nothing more than a money grab by NBC. This project isn’t
somebody’s baby, a creative idea long in the hatching. Instead, NBC
said, “Let’s capitalize on the popularity of The Da Vinci Code and throw together a reality show. Just use the formula.”

Sure,
all shows are designed to make money. That’s why they get aired. But
they’re not supposed to seem to us watchers like that’s their only goal. Treasure Hunters feels formulaic and soulless–and the lack of passion behind it is obvious.

Hunting for treasure has a long and romantic history as a literary device. It evokes visions of swashbuckling pirates, an X that marks the spot, and chests stacked with gold doubloons.

Thanks to NBC, those images have been permanently wiped from my mind, replaced by images of cell phones, laptops, and 30 faceless people being given the same instructions over and over and over again.

NBC made treasure hunting boring.

The show’s format is hardly original, and comparisons to The Amazing Race are inevitable. But Treasure Hunters seems to have cribbed its technical elements, like camera techniques, from other NBC reality shows like Average Joe and Fear Factor. If they wanted to emulate some in-house stock, NBC should’ve borrowed more from The Apprentice–which, while not great TV, is at least decent entertainment.

The TH Producers also borrow a technique common to many Fox and WB shows: closing each segment with a preview of the action in the next, post-commercial break segment. It’s annoying enough when the WB does it on Beauty and the Geek, but it completely destroys the suspense of race-type shows that are supposed to be filled with tension and surprises.

Worst of all, Treasure Hunters has a theme — rendering it about as clever as a high school prom. Treasure Hunters, drawing off of its producers’ connections with The Da Vinci Code, claims to comprise some overarching mysteries regarding America’s Founding Fathers and clues guarded by a secret society. If the secret society is revealed to be anything other than the Freemasons or the Osmonds, I’ll be stunned.

Because the producers have decided to make the show’s theme and plot its main draw, the TH contestants become almost secondary. That was obvious from the start of the episode. Only a few of the teams were given the opportunity to tell the relationships between team members, and the premiere gave viewers no clue as to the dynamics of those relationships.

The Treasure Hunters producers assigned nicknames to all ten of the three-person teams, to help viewers tell them apart (Air Force, Geniuses, Young Professionals). But one defining thread does not a connection make. I need to know something about the individuals on the teams in order to care about them.

Casting heightened the problem. Team Miss USA is made of two blonde women and a brunette, all in their twenties. So is Team Grad Students. On several occasions, I couldn’t tell which team I was watching. Somewhere in a two-hour premiere, producers should’ve allowed time for character development, or even just some conflict. But it never happened.

Treasure Hunters began with a clever twist on the team race format. Five of the teams started in Alaska, while the other five started in Hawaii. But neither group of teams knew about the other; everyone at each location thought there were only five teams in the whole race.

While that’s an exciting way to show different locations and different tasks, it didn’t translate well to television. Just as things were getting underway in Alaska, the show cut to the teams in Hawaii. Without knowing anything about the teams, it was hard to keep track of which teams were where. There were too many people working on too many tasks for viewers to become attached to anyone.

The show’s rampant commercialism was revealed as bland host Laird McIntosh gave the teams their initial instructions. They were each given a cell phone (Motorola), laptop computer (Ask.com), and credit card (Visa) to use during the course of the race. The credit card wasn’t even used in the episode, so why bother mentioning it, other than to please the sponsoring company?

The race itself is hardly worth mentioning. Plenty happened, but all the audience was shown was the mechanical execution of tasks that were neither physically nor mentally challenging. Teams who started in Alaska deciphered a message in Morse code, hiked a glacier, and dug through piles of rocks. Hawaii teams also deciphered Morse code, but dove in a bay, and hiked on a beach.

Throughout, all we saw were teams methodically plodding through each task, which had a number of steps. On the Hawaiian beach, teams had to find a fake plane crash, find a box in the fake plane, find a cane in the rubble, and figure out that the cane contained the key for opening the box. With so many steps, there was little time to show team members interacting with each other. The audience learned plenty about the task, but little about the contestants.

At each new step in each task, host Laird called each team to give them their next clue, halting the action. Unlike The Amazing Race, where the viewing audience only hears the clue when the first team to find it reads it, the audience heard many of the clues five or six times. It was lazy and insulting to force viewers to hear Laird endlessly repeat, “Your next destination: the State Capitol Building, Lincoln, Nebraska.”

Lincoln was the site of the only really compelling part of the show. At the end of the show’s first hour, both groups of teams were instructed to meet host Laird by a statue. Both groups ran around the corner of the Capitol Building, and into each other. Everyone stared for a few seconds as they realized they had twice as many competitors as they’d been led to believe.

Just like that, the moment was over. There were a few short interview segments with contestants saying, “Whoa,” before producers jumped right back into their plot. Laird told the contestants that each team from Hawaii would be paired with a team from Alaska, and that they board buses and figure out where to go next.

Producers took no time to let the audience enjoy what was surely an exciting moment for the contestants. Instead of showing contestants introducing themselves to each other (and us) on the buses, producers cut right back into the action of them trying to figure out where to direct their bus drivers. All of the humanity was lost — in favor of map reading.

Teams decoded a puzzle to reveal that their next clue involved Theodore Roosevelt. Combined with clues from other portions of the race — involving Washington, Jefferson, and Lincoln — four of the teams correctly instructed their drivers to head to Mt. Rushmore. The remaining two teams, the Geniuses and the Young Professionals, directed their driver to Mt. Roosevelt, 37 miles away. Minutes into the second hour of the premiere, the audience already knew that one of those two teams would be eliminated.

Predictably, most of the other teams found their clues before the final two teams even arrived. The lone exceptions were the Wild Hanlons, a father-son-uncle team headed by a clueless, mulleted patriarch. The only thing that Pat, the father, did right was to wait for the Geniuses to arrive and let them figure out the last riddle for him.

So the Geniuses survived and the Young Pros were eliminated, not that I have any idea who they are anyway. The only interesting fact about that team is that one of its members, Chandra, is due to give birth to twins this summer. She wasn’t pregnant during the filming of this show (at least not visibly), so I wonder just how long NBC has been sitting on this stinker.

During the rest of the series, teams will compete for an unspecified prize. Without having a dollar amount attached to the prize, it’s hard to get that excited about it. To accompany to quiet problem solving, the overwhelmingly static camera shots, and the lack of interpersonal drama, producers tacked on epic, tension-filled music — which didn’t fit the show at all. Along with the undefined prize, it actually made the contest seem less urgent, not mysterious and exciting.

Treasure Hunters needs a serious re-edit this week if it hopes to survive the summer. Tone down the dramatic music, add more dramatic content, and stop interrupting the action with product placements. It’s a great idea, executed terribly. Considering that many members of the production staff worked on The Amazing Race in the past, I expected a more compelling program.

Disney Company Perks
A cadre of DWTS cast members will take over the red carpet at the June 24 premiere of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest. Stacy Kiebler, Lisa Rinna, Tia Carerre, Louis van Amstel, and Cheryl Burke will join Hollywood luminaries like Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, and Dennis Rodman at the film’s Disneyland debut.

Tia on Extra
Video of Tia Carerre’s recent appearance on Extra is available at the show’s website.

Summer gives networks the opportunity to try out new shows in the hopes of striking ratings gold. When they’re lucky, networks wind up with a hit like Dancing with the Stars. When they’re not, they get stuck with shows like the painful-to-watch Game Show Marathon, currently airing on CBS.

Because of their low production costs, reality shows dominate many networks’ summer lineups. It’s much cheaper to pull a show like Celebrity Cooking Showdown off the air mid-run than it is to yank a higher-budget scripted series that fails to draw an audience (great examples from summers past include Roar and Danger Theatre). But that doesn’t keep networks from trotting out at least a few new dramas and comedies.

This summer, My Ox Is Broken is going to stick to its roots and cover only reality series. I’ve picked a few shows that seem promising, but which won’t be covered everywhere else. There are plenty of other sites where you can get your Big Brother or Project Runway fix. I’ll probably be watching those, too — just not writing about them — so feel free to send in your comments on those shows as well.

For a complete listing of new summer shows, check out Recap-Roundup’s season preview. Here’s what I may be covering here at MOIB:

Treasure Hunters: In the spirit of The Amazing Race, teams solve puzzles and decrypt clues to progress on a quest. However, unlike TAR, the contestants on Treasure Hunters won’t be looking for Phil Keoghan. They’ll be looking to unearth hidden treasure — with enough doubloons for them to buy their own Phil. Since the producers of The Da Vinci Code created Treasure Hunters, I’m willing to bet that every clue is written backwards and needs to be read in a mirror.
Premieres June 18 at 8e/7c on NBC

Master of Champions: Any show based on a Japanese game show is bound to be good (for evidence, watch an episode of MXC on Spike TV or peruse clips of other shows at TV in Japan). Contestants compete in bizarre stunts for the title Master of Champions. Who knows if it will be worth writing about, but it’ll sure be fun to watch.
Premieres June 22 at 8e/7c on ABC

Rock Star: Supernova: This show slowly built up a rabid fan base last summer, when INXS took to the airwaves to search for a new lead singer. Now, Tommy Lee and other heavy metal veterans are looking for a frontman or frontwoman to head up their supergroup (not to be confused with Supergroup on VH1). It’s just a shame that the most talented performer from last season, Suzie McNeil, won’t be back for a second go-round.
Premieres July 5 at 8e/7c on CBS

Who Wants to Be a Superhero?: I do! But I won’t be appearing on this show, where contestants with great ideas for superhero characters have to live as those characters. It sounds like such a dangerously silly idea that it has to be great.
Premieres July 27 at 9e/8c on Sci-Fi

In addition to recapping those shows, I’ll continue publishing weekly updates on Dancing with the Stars throughout the show’s offseason.

Latest Season 3 Rumors
Vivica Fox and Mario Lopez are the latest stars rumored to be participants for DWTS 3. Vivica’s supposedly so excited, she demands that you “drop it like it’s hot!”

Papa O’Hurley
John O’Hurley and his wife, Lisa, are expecting their first child.

Jon and Anna Teach in Tempe
Jonathan Roberts and Anna Trebunskaya will teach four dance workshops at Paragon Dance Studios in Tempe, Arizona June 17-18. Each workshop covers a different dance and costs $15.

Tony Performs at HS Fundraiser
Tony Dovolani and his professional partner, Elena Grinenko, will perform on June 28 at a benefit for a New York City performing arts high school. The $25 tickets also include two free dance lessons.

When last week’s episode of The Apprentice came to a close, it looked like Lee’s celebrity hockey game was in big trouble. Things only got worse this week, as Lee’s team fell apart, and Sean waltzed to an easy victory, becoming the series’ first international Apprentice.

Lee was never able to please the executives from the Leary Firefighters Foundation, in large part because he wasn’t prepared at all for the event. He hadn’t thought out any details, such as how the celebrity hockey players and coaches would make their entrance onto the ice, which exemplified his inexperience to the charity executives.

Even worse, he stuck the very personable Roxanne behind the scenes and let laissez-faire Lenny handle the celebrities. Lenny failed to greet the celebrities when they arrived and angered celebrity auctioneer Jamie Pressley by ditching her in a locker room full of half-naked strangers.

When asked to distribute uniforms to the celebrities, Lenny gave every single one a medium. His reasoning? All celebs have small heads: “John McEnroe? Medium. Very small head.”

Finally, Lee committed the sin of all sins: not meeting Trump when he arrived at the event. Trump later claimed that it was a close call between the candidates, but Lee sealed his doom by running into Trump in a hallway rather than waiting for him at the helicopter pad.

At the other event, everything went smoothly for Sean. Andrea returned to the team after a doctor diagnosed her with only a broken blood vessel in her sinus. The team’s biggest crisis was temporarily misplacing a CD of music for the VIP party.

During the final boardroom, Sean continued to outperform Lee. Sean equalled Lee in terms of academic acheivement, and he had 10 years of experience making million dollar deals, a fact that Lee refused to accept as relevant.

Sean said that the task was won during team selection, and that he had the better team. Lee defended his choice of team members and said that all of them were his passionate advocates for him. Carolyn asked the most obvious question in everyone’s minds: “Why would Pepi be passionate about you winning?”

When the boardroom resumed live, Trump ribbed Sean for being so effusive in praising Tammy. Sean admitted that they are dating and that he intends to marry her.

The choice of tasks for this season’s winner was between a resort project in Hawaii and a condominium building in Soho. Mysteriously, both Sean and Lee said they’d prefer the job in New York, apparently forgetting that Hawaii is Hawaii.

Trump’s stage manager handed him the results of the at-home audience’s vote for the winner. Trump agreed with the audience’s overwhelming favorite, and he hired Sean as the fifth Apprentice.

Poor Sean had only a few seconds to celebrate with his girlfriend and the other candidates, as he was soon shuffled off to the street, where he had to drive off in a new Pontiac, the other reward for his victory.

The show ended a few minutes early, leaving all of the former candidates, Trump, George, and Carolyn to stand around uncomfortably on stage. The band continued to play the show’s theme song at full volume as the camera showed shots of confused audience members half-heartedly clapping.

The awkward, unintentionally amusing ending was a fitting coda for another season of The Apprentice.

Hip-Hop Idol
“America’s Next Hip-Hop Stars” is the working title for Master P’s latest project, a hip-hop version of American Idol, complete with audience voting. The show doesn’t have a network yet and could wind up as a pay-per-view special.

DJ Jerry
Jerry Rice may soon be joining the ranks of celebrities with satellite radio shows. He’s in talks with Sirius to become a host on their NFL channel.

Hatfields vs. McCoys ’06
The Simpson-Lachey divorce is taking its toll on their families. Drew Lachey and Ashlee Simpson initially tried to remain friends but have stopped talking, as Nick’s and Jessica’s divorce drags on.

The Real Deal Returns
Evander Holyfield’s short stint on the first season of Dancing with the Stars didn’t satisfy his lust for the limelight, so he’s planning on getting back into the boxing ring. His planned comeback bout is scheduled for July but may be delayed if he can’t get medical clearance — or an opponent.

Sean and Lee started their final tasks on this season’s penultimate episode of The Apprentice, and it already seems obvious that Lee will not be hired next Monday night.

After both Allie and Roxanne were eliminated, Lee and Sean were called to the boardroom where they were told they were the final two candidates for the title of Apprentice. They’d receive their last tasks the next morning, but that night they each had to decide which three previously eliminated candidates they would like to assist them in the task.

All of this season’s former candidates were waiting for Sean and Lee when they returned to the suite. As soon as the ousted contestants realized only six of them would be selected to help with the final task, the campaigning began. Everyone pulled Sean and Lee aside to express their sincere loyalty and desire to work with whoever would get them another two weeks on TV.

To no one’s surprise, Sean’s first choice was his dream girl, Tammy. He rounded out the team with Andrea and Tarek, who was nominated by Tammy and Andrea. Sean’s goal was to create a team of smart people who could work well together, and he got the best people to match that description.

Lee’s first choice, also to no one’s surprise, was his surrogate father, Lenny. Like a good politician, Lee wanted to shore up his “base,” selecting a team of only those people he was sure wanted him to win. Lenny helped Lee determine who was most loyal to him, and Roxanne made the cut along with Lenny’s shocking recommendation, Pepi — who had been fired way back in week two.

In the board room the next morning, the mood was jovial as the final tasks were revealed: a celebrity hockey tournament and a charity concert featuring the Barenaked Ladies. Everyone laughed as Trump joked about his personal rule – always go with bare naked ladies.

Lee confidently offered to take the hockey tournament and give Sean the concert. Lenny felt good about their chances, promising Trump, “We’re going to bury them so deep nobody will find them for 20 years.” Then both teams left to start their big assignments.

Carolyn, who’d been giggling through the entire boardroom, finally got to let everyone else in on the joke after the teams departed. “Who was that guy on the far right?” she asked Trump with tears in her eyes. Trump didn’t know either, and he had to check on a sheet of paper to find Pepi’s name. “‘Pepi, you’re fired.’ Did I say that?” Trump asked, sending Carolyn into fits.

Sean’s team drove to the Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City, site of the concert. Proceeds of the event would benefit the World Wildlife Fund, who hoped to raise at least $100,000 through ticket sales, donations, and additional fundraising. Andrea and Tarek got the main corporate sponsor for both teams’ events, Pontiac, to donate two cars to be auctioned off.

While Tarek and Andrea worked with Pontiac, Sean and Tammy selected a menu for a pre-concert party. They spent so much time going over minutiae, it sounded like they were selecting the menu for their wedding reception. Tarek, who had not worked with Sean before, was concerned that Sean was more interested in being with Tammy than winning the task.

Lee’s team started their task with a trip to Denis Leary’s production company, as proceeds from the hockey tournament went to the Leary Firefighters Foundation. Liz, the foundation representative, was unimpressed when Lee suggested a firefighter date auction, and sent them away to develop some classier fundraising ideas.

As Sean’s team had done, Lee’s team met with Pontiac executives, and he also got them to donate two cars for an auction. However, Lee missed an opportunity when he didn’t follow up on Pepi’s suggestion that Pontiac match the funds raised at the event. Perhaps Lee’d forgotten who Pepi was, as well.

Lee’s laid-back, casual approach to the task concerned Carolyn, who was observing Lee’s team when Liz from the Leary Foundation called demanding ideas. Unimpressed with Lee’s latest suggestion of a silent auction, Liz decided she needed to come meet with them again that night — although there was no guarantee that the team would generate any new ideas, even with a few extra hours to plan.

In Atlantic City, Sean’s team faced an even more serious crisis. Stress or a mystery ailment caused Andrea to start coughing up blood. She left the team to see a doctor, and Sean told her not to worry about making it back for the task. Sean and his remaining team members made plans on how to pick up the slack.

The final task concludes next Monday night at 9:30 Eastern / 8:30 Central, followed by the live boardroom hiring. It looks like Sean is a lock for the job, even if Andrea can’t return. There’s no way that Lee can please Liz. She said that she ran the hockey event for the last five years, so there’s nothing Lee can do that will be up to her standards.

Tomorrow at Noon Eastern / 11 a.m. Central, Pontiac will continue to promote its charitable side, along with its G6 convertible. Go to http://www.pontiac.com/apprentice, and Pontiac will donate $1 to the charity of your choice, up to a total of $500,000. Voters will be entered into a drawing to win a G6 for themselves and for their charity.

Bergeron the Frontrunner for GMA Job
As soon as Charles Gibson announced that he’d be leaving Good Morning America to anchor World News Tonight, Tom Bergeron became the most likely candidate to fill the GMA vacancy. But according to The Boston Herald, Tom isn’t willing to trade his duties as host of DWTS and America’s Funniest Videos for a daily 3 a.m. wake-up call.

Max Is Back
After an especially busy month, including his appearances on GMA last week, Maksim Chmerkovskiy posted an update at his official forum. He’s finishing up a fitness DVD, and he’s even working on a project with Donald Trump. The Donald’s going to remove all of the labels from his unsold bottles of Trump Ice water and relabel them “Max Ice.”

Stacy’s Partner in Crime
If you’re interested in learning more about Stacy Keibler’s boyfriend, he’s got a role in the Jennifer Aniston/Vince Vaughan film The Break-Up.

Another DWTS 3 Candidate
According to an interview with The Edmonton Sun, DWTS producers approached Vanessa Anne Hudgens to fill one of the celebrity spots on Season 3. The 18-year-old actress, who stars on the Disney Channel show High School Musical, turned down the offer to participate.

This is pure speculation, but don’t be surprised if the Disney-owned ABC network tries to pull talent from its cable affiliate. One of the Disney Channel’s teen stars would be the perfect match for a young pro dancer that producers would be wise to invite for next season: Valentin Chmerkovskiy.

Best Friends Forever Allie and Roxanne turned on each other as soon as they faced elimination. Consequently, Trump fired them both for lack of loyalty on tonight’s episode of The Apprentice.

Sean was excited about Gold Rush’s chances for this week’s task: designing new uniforms for Embassy Suites employees. He planned to use his metrosexual fashion knowledge to avenge Tammy’s ouster last week at the hands of Allie and Roxanne.

Both teams worked with fashion designers, seamstresses, and models to design new uniforms for front desk staff, doormen, suite keepers, and breakfast chefs. 120 Embassy Suites employees were to judge the uniforms at a fashion show. During the task, Trump’s kids, Don Jr. and Ivanka, shadowed the teams as viceroys.

Interviews with company executives and staff inspired the men of Gold Rush to upgrade — rather than completely redesign — the current uniforms. Though they were concerned with style, Gold Rush’s focus was functionality. They picked stylish, comfortable fabrics to complement practical changes like breathable chefs jackets and all-weather wear for doormen.

Lee, Gold Rush’s Project Manager, was happy to defer to Sean’s superior fashion knowledge. Lee admitted he wasn’t sure what a metrosexual was, though he figured its domain lies about halfway between a heterosexual and a homosexual.

Although they interviewed many of the same employees, Synergy chose to emphasize style over function. Allie took the role of Project Manager only because someone needed to claim the role. She said that she and Roxanne would be more like “co-PMs.”

However, it wasn’t long before Allie started wielding her power like an iron fist. She treated their designer like a hired hand, criticizing his designs (which she helped create), his fabric choices, and even calling him by the wrong name.

Silently, Roxanne went along with everything, probably hoping that Allie would dig her own grave. Roxanne didn’t object when Allie insisted on a skirt for the front desk staff, even though employees in that position had requested pants. Heck, Roxanne didn’t even object to culottes for the cleaning staff!

At the fashion show, Gold Rush’s designs crushed Synergy’s. The desk staff appreciated that Gold Rush designed pants for them, and everyone else liked that the uniforms were comfortable, adjustable, and not too dissimilar from those they already had.

By contrast, Synergy created short-sleeved, cuffed jackets for the door staff and hard-to-wash, shiny, khaki chef’s jackets. Worst of all were the puffy-sleeved, khaki suite keepers’ dresses, which were, in Sean’s opinion, “patronizing.”

The 120 Embassy Suites employees voted in favor of Gold Rush, 83-27. After the victory, Don Jr. praised Sean, saying “his metrosexuality paid off.” Sean’s and Lee’s reward was dinner with Don Jr. and Ivanka.

Don Jr. and Ivanka were very open about their life with The Donald, even telling Sean and Lee that Trump wears a pink bathrobe. They also said their dad likes to come home from work and plop down in front of the TV with a cheeseburger and a glass of milk. While they were in college, the kids were given a $300 monthly allowance; if they needed extra money, they had to work for it.

The younger Trumps didn’t just talk about themselves and their dad. They seemed to be genuinely interested in their dinner companions. Ivanka was especially amused when Lee spilled the beans on Sean’s crush on Tammy. Sean said that Tammy was gorgeous, and, when the show was over, he hoped to convince her that they should have “lots of Apprentice babies.”

Meanwhile, the BFFs shared their last night in the suite together. They vowed not to bash each other in the boardroom. And things started out cordially enough, with Allie allowing that their uniforms weren’t received the way they’d hoped.

Ivanka wouldn’t let Allie off the hook for bad design: “Puffy sleeves, come on!” Slowly, Roxanne’s sense of self-preservation kicked in. She claimed she’d protested some of Allie’s decisions. Allie insisted that they’d split the decisions equally, refusing to accept greater culpability for the loss.

Then, things got personal. Allie said Roxanne was a better attorney than an Apprentice, and that everyone agreed that her bad attitude made her hard to work with. Roxanne blasted Allie for being high-maintenance and rude.

Trump put a stop to things. He was disappointed that they’d forsaken their friendship so quickly after losing, so he fired both Roxanne and Allie. To their credit, the two had patched things up by the time they they were interviewed in their post-show cab ride.

Next week’s penultimate episode pits Lee against Sean in their final task. They get to choose teams from all of this season’s previously ousted candidates. Surely, Sean will choose his true love, Tammy, for his team, and Lee will choose his true love, Lenny.