If the Weaver family from The Amazing Race: Family Edition is the new face of American Christianity, then America is about to become a much nastier place.

It’s hard to imagine how a widow and her children could be unsympathetic, but the Widow Weaver and her offspring are despicable. The Weavers are harder to relate to than villains from previous seasons because of their seamless transitions from prayer to name-calling. It takes a remarkable lack of self-awareness to be able to do that.

Viewers have been treated to the Weavers calling their competition “idiots” and “retards.” They ridiculed Tony Paolo for earning his living as a garbage collector. None of them seems to remember that Mr. Weaver was killed picking up debris on a race track, making him a garbage man of sorts, too.

But the Weavers don’t see their comments as name-calling. They simply describe the world around them. Acting as avatars of their god, they’ve given themselves the right to pass judgment on others.

After they’ve finished insulting their fellow racers, the Weavers complain that none of the other teams like them. 16-year-old Rachel cried as she said her family was the only one trying to live a Christian lifestyle. They don’t even use cuss words!

Clearly, Rachel the Avatar feels she has the final word on the proper way to live as a Christian. While she gets a pass because of her age, most teenagers have parents who would remind them that it’s not fair to pass judgment on other people, at least not while on national television. The Widow Weaver’s too busy asking for divine help with driving directions to correct her children.

So, if the Weaver family is what constitutes the new Christian family, what happened to the Christianity that gave rise to The Salvation Army? What about the story of the Good Samaritan? Most stories of Jesus’ life focus on his compassion and kindness for strangers.

Somewhere, the Weavers lost this part of the message. Their Christianity is based on lots of talk about God, but little action. In the first episode of the Family Edition, they told a stranger who helped them that they’d see him in heaven (not immediately, of course). Since then, they’ve described their competitors as heathens. According to their interpretation of God’s judgment, only those who help the Weavers will be rewarded.

The god of the Weavers is an inconsistent god. Their deity is fickle enough to kill their father in an untimely and gruesome fashion, but still grace them with directions to the Grand Canyon. Although their deity grants them the power to judge other mortals, their divinely derived powers don’t protect them from persecution by everyone around them. The Weavers seem to be the perpetual victims of this god’s whims.

Perhaps that’s because Weaverian god isn’t fashioned in the image of Jesus Christ; he’s fashioned in the image of a frightened woman and her three pubescent children. It’s no wonder that, to them, a holy life is blaming others for your problems and making fun of people. Prayer becomes a plea for direct assistance rather than and internal search for ways to be a better person.

All of the Weavers are too scared to look inside themselves lest they find themselves lacking. The Widow Weaver is afraid that she isn’t good enough to parent her kids by herself. But good parenting relies on reflection, and by not doing that, she’s being a deficient parent. Most teenagers are scared of who they are or might become, only the Weaver kids are afraid that they’ll have to figure everything out on their own. Until the Weavers get themselves figured out, they shouldn’t be touting themselves as a model Christian family.

Faith is by nature a mystery, but it’s difficult to see what benefit the Weavers are currently getting out of theirs. All they get is a sense of moral superiority and a bad attitude, devoid of any compassion for others. They believe they’ll be admitted into heaven even though they act like anything but angels. If they’re content with that, so be it. But, like any reward, isn’t heaven better when you’ve had to earn it? In the meantime, stop professing your righteousness until you’re able to act righteously.

Paranoia isn’t an attractive tendency. Jamie showed way too much of it, and he finally got voted out on tonight’s Survivor.

Despite being a part of a coalition of six people whose only opposition was two skeletons, Jamie never felt safe. It was after Jamie asked Rafe for reassurance for the seventh time in one day that Rafe finally decided he’d had enough. How ironic that all Jamie needed to do to keep Rafe’s support was to stop asking for it.

It’s too bad that Jamie started in with the paranoia weeks ago when a little paranoia would’ve been reasonable tonight. After all, Stephanie and Judd did get to share an overnight reward trip with the skeletons, Danni and Gary. Team Bones alone with the two most dominant personalities in the game seemed like the perfect chance to hatch some schemes and change things around.

But that’s not what happened. The four had a nice time getting to know each other, but Judd and Stephenie weren’t eager to mess with their well laid plans. Too bad, Danni and Gary. Nice to know you, but we’ve got a game to win.

Then Jamie couldn’t keep his mouth shut and the plans all went to hell. Rafe reached his breaking point, and since Stephenie and Cindy didn’t really care who went, they were happy to side with him against Jamie. Lydia reluctantly joined the coup, knowing that Jamie would be hurt by her betrayal more than the others. But since she’s unlikely to win any Immunity Challenges, Lydia had no choice but to follow the herd.

Besides Jamie, the only person who wasn’t in on the plan was Judd. That’s because Judd is a bad liar. (Recall the times Judd denied taking an extra beer or puking in the shelter. Last week, he lied poorly about never having lied in the game). The new voting block saved themselves the hassle of dealing with Jamie and instead chose to bear Judd’s wrath when he realized he’d been left out of the loop.

There are sure to be more blow ups next week, and they may lead Stephenie to reveal herself as the game’s mastermind. While players have willingly deferred to Steph, they haven’t realized how subtly she’s been directing the game. She knows which decisions aren’t important, so she lets the group decide what to do on those matters. But she’s been the one keeping the main voting block intact and the numbers on her side. Only a major shake up could get Stephenie out of the driver’s seat. Is there anyone left who’d be willing to take her on?

There was no doubt about it; this was the night that Marcela would be going home. Even during the preview for this week’s show, it was obvious who’d be fired. Leave it to Martha to throw us a curve ball on tonight’s episode of The Apprentice.

Most of Martha’s candidates have avoided forming alliances, but with seven contestants remaining, personal relationships take on greater significance. Jim and Bethenny have been on the same team since the show began, making Dawna the outsider on Primarius. And Matchstick had its own interpersonal problems.

As soon as Marcela became Project Manager, Ryan and Amanda formed a bond based on a lack of professional respect for Marcela. Even if it was done unconsciously, they planned to work poorly under Marcela, thereby ensuring the team’s failure and getting her fired for being unable to lead them.

Ryan and Amanda were so successful at slacking off that even the Viceroys noticed something amiss. Charles and Alexis both noted Matchstick behaving weirdly, supporting Marcela’s claim that Ryan and Amanda went into the task half-heartedly. Leslie refused to lay the blame on Marcela and the usurpers’ coup was exposed.

Ryan foolishly accused Marcela of besmirching his integrity. If he’d really felt hurt, and wasn’t doing it for show, he would’ve talked with Marcela privately and not made a declaration in front of Martha and the Viceroys. That action alone showed that he’s not clever enough to ultimately win the game.

But the biggest fool of the night was Amanda. She’d worked diligently to not help Marcela, to the point of refusing to answer her questions. She criticized Marcela’s marketing strategy but never offered an alternative despite being asked repeatedly for ideas. In the conference room, Martha asked if Amanda had been withholding ideas. If she hadn’t, why not offer the ideas she had, or at least admit to not having any ideas?

When asked what skills she could bring to Martha’s organization, Amanda’s composed veneer shattered. She claimed to be an expert in public relations, even though she works as an attorney. She went on about her interests in decorating and gardening, telling some maddening story about her husband planting a flower bed.

Essentially, Amanda tried to say that she was Martha. But if she really was just like Martha, she’d want to become her own brand name, not work for the original. Amanda’s babbling took all of the focus away from what went wrong in the task. Instead, she put the focus on what was wrong with her.

The best part of the episode wasn’t that Marcela was saved from falling at the hands of Ryan and Amanda. It wasn’t even that Amanda slit her own throat. It was the brilliant way Marcela defended herself in the conference room. Bolstered by a pep talk from Jim, of all people, Marcela told Martha that she wanted to help Martha’s company reach out to Latin Americans, a group presently underserved by the company. Marcela said that she didn’t want to be the Mexican Martha Stewart; she wanted to help Martha be the Mexican Martha Stewart.

It was a simple, honest answer that changed the way Martha and the Viceroys thought of Marcela. We finally got a glimpse of the quiet force Marcela said she possessed. Even if she doesn’t become The Apprentice, Martha had best find a use for Marcela within her organization. Otherwise some rival network could have a hit by giving Marcela her own show. She just might become the Mexican Martha Stewart after all.

On The Apprentice: Martha, in two weeks:
Marcela returns to a hero’s welcome and Martha looks for thinkers among her remaining six candidates.

There’s a good reason why I try not to make predictions about reality shows: I stink at it. Take, for example, my predictions for Survivor: Guatemala. I came close on a few of my predictions as to when individuals would be voted off, but mostly I failed. Granted, this was before the show started and Bobby Jon and Stephenie hadn’t been announced as contestants. As if that would really have made any difference.

Here’s how I did:

Order	Kathy’s Pick	Vote Results
1	Lydia	Jim
2	Brian	Morgan
3	Rafe	Brianna
4	Jim	Brooke
5	Jamie	Blake
6	Margaret	Brian
7	Morgan	Margaret
8	Blake	Amy
9	Brianna	Brandon
10	Amy	Bobby Jon

I didn’t expect the contestants to whack the beautiful people as quickly as they did. You couldn’t know from looking at her that Brianna didn’t have an athletic bone in her body. And the only reason Jim went first was because he was hurt. Now I feel a little shallow.

From my list, Jamie, Rafe, and Lydia are still around, and Lydia’s sure to make the Final Four. She’s not a threat so people will forget about her until the end. Jamie’s annoying everyone, speeding his departure. But Rafe could be around until the end, unless his conscience gets the best of him and makes him a liability.

I still won’t be surprised to see Cindy and Danni go far. Danni’s always been my pick to win, despite the numbers being stacked against her. She’s still performing well in challenges even though she’s looked like an animated skeleton from day one, so there’s no reason to think Danni will be sent back to the grave anytime soon.

NBC announced today that The Apprentice: Martha would not be renewed for a second season. The announcement is not surprising, as Martha’s Apprentice continues to pull in low ratings.

It’s too bad that the show isn’t living up to the high expectations network execs had. The tasks are interesting, and the contestants make up one of the most normal casts of any reality show. Viewers can watch without feeling guilty about it later.

But that’s also what keeps people from tuning in. Devout haters of reality programming won’t give it a chance on principle, even though it’s a surprisingly family-friendly show. And many hardcore reality fans expect producers to cast a bunch of crazies who will make fools of themselves. Apart from manic Jim, most of the contestants on The Apprentice: Martha are level-headed individuals.

Each season of The Apprentice takes on the demeanor of its host. Donald Trump is eccentric and pompous, and contestants inevitably display some of their own eccentricities and pompousness. Martha Stewart is focused and calm, and, most of the time, so are her contestants. Calm and focused works well when you’re presenting recipes and decorating tips, not when you’re conducting a competitive reality show.

Even though the show won’t make it to a second season, Martha may wind up with a competent employee for her company. Dawna knows how to get the best out of her teammates, which makes her a good candidate for an executive position. Leslie is similarly qualified, although she may want to see if she can cash in as an on-air personality at QVC.

But Dawna and Leslie exemplify why Martha’s Apprentice couldn’t last. They are hard-working professionals who want to portray themselves in the best manner possible, and reality fans hate that. What good is reality TV without a Jim, Omarosa, or Stacie J. to make you feel normal?

Tonight, the families of The Amazing Race 8 drove to International Destination Number 2: Costa Rica. It’s not as much fun driving from one country to another instead of flying, but at least they’re still outside the U.S.

The shrieking Godlewski sisters carried all of their belongings in a plastic bag after surviving last week’s non-elimination leg. Since they started this leg with no money, they were forced to beg at the hotel where they’d slept. Instead of cash, the gents at the hotel seemed more willing to offer sex to the four buxom blondes.

Teams had to decide whether to take advantage of the first of two Yield opportunities on the race. Well, only the Weavers really had a decision to make. Every other team was determined to yield the Weavers. D.J. Paolo reached the mat first, and the Florida team was forced to wait.

While they waited, the Weavers kept their spirits up by ridiculing other teams. They called the Paolos “retarded” and accused the Godlewskis of having breast implants. Then the Weavers talked about answering to “a higher authority,” and said the Yield wouldn’t get them down.

I have a feeling that their “higher authority” wouldn’t have approved of their nasty comments.

Meanwhile, the other teams were completing a Roadblock that required one team member to search a pile of coffee beans for the one bean that was painted red. Megan Linz finished quickly enough that her brothers named her an honorary Linz Boy. In effect, Megan had finally earned her balls.

The Paolos were hung up on their way to the next task as Brian tried to get directions from a drunken American with a Southern drawl. Brian was told to drive “maybe ‘dos’ kilometers,” leading D.J. to declare himself official direction-seeker from that point on. For the second week in a row, the Paolos finished in first place, earning each family member the choice of a Segway, Vespa, ATV, or jet ski. Just what we need, Marion Paolo rolling around the Bronx on a Segway.

Tammy Gaghan struggled to find the red bean, and the team never recovered. Carissa’s tears at the mat were heartbreaking, as was the uncomfortable look on the Costa Rican lady’s face as she stood next to Phil. The Gaghans were a great example of how a supportive family can really bring the best out of each member. It’s too bad the Widow Weaver didn’t have more time to learn from them.

Oh, God! Make it stop! Less than twenty minutes into The Scorned, I wished I was the one who took a fire poker to the neck. I didn’t have much hope for this horror flick written by a reality star, cast with reality stars, and directed by a guy who makes movies for Playboy. But this is far worse than I could’ve dreamed.

I hoped to write a coherent set of paragraphs about the movie, but there seems to be some kind of contagious degenerative brain disease going around. I think I contracted it from the film’s writers. Here’s my list of grievances:

1. I’m not sure what trailer home the wardrobe stylist raided to get clothes for the cast, but none of the mismatched rags are flattering. Head-to-toe orange spandex was never in.
2. Reichen can’t act! It’s as if he’s never had a conversation before. But he’s not alone. Same goes for Trishelle, Bob Guiney, Stephen, Jenna Lewis, Johnny, Tonya, Ethan, and Stacie J.
3. The only cast members who get a pass in this movie are Trish, Toni, and Jenna Morasca. Granted, Toni and Jenna have about three lines each, and Trish’s character spends most of the movie in a coma.
4. Putting a sheet over Trish’s head would have given a more ghostly effect than their low-budget, “I made my own movie on a Mac” crap.
5. Advice to Rob Cesternino: Shut up and listen to how real people talk, it’ll make your dialogue more believable. And don’t just listen to your drunk reality buddies. They don’t count as real people.
6. I’m surprised they made this movie without hiring anyone to do sound. Why write crappy dialogue if you can’t hear the actors deliver it?
7. Ladies, stop smoking. You sound 30 years older than you look. Which means you sound 70.
8. Also, ladies, stop taking your clothes off. You just look stupid and slutty, and Rob gets to see your boobies. Why do you think he wrote the movie in the first place?

After nearly one-and-a-half seasons of avoiding The Apprentice: Trump, The Donald finally got me to watch an episode again. How? By doing something totally shocking!

At least that’s the way the promos played it. One of the teams failed so badly that Donald had to rush back from a golf trip to, gasp, do his job. I didn’t watch the show on Thursday night, but heard enough good things about it to catch tonight’s rerun. It was nice of CNBC to stop airing Mad Money for an hour to replay the episode.

Donald spent most of the show on the golf course, leaving Carolyn in charge. George, the other viceroy, was also out of town, so pinch hitter Bill Rancic filled in. Bill’s done a great job of improving his on-camera performance since he started filling in during Season 2. It’s actually possible to see him breathing now, so there’s no doubt that he’s alive and not a robot.

When Carolyn is on top of her game, she’s the best part of the show. She’s super intimidating but remembers what it was like to be a young professional learning the ropes. Contestants would probably learn more as Carolyn’s apprentice than Donald’s.

The challenge to boost sales in one department of a Dick’s Sporting Goods store was fraught with the danger of trying to sell equipment for a sport that the contestants liked, rather than one that they could sell. James encouraged Excel to pick baseball so that he could bring his Little League fantasies to life. The problem is that all it takes to play is a bat, a ball, and a glove. Oh, and a radar detector, according to Jennifer.

Capital Edge, on the other hand, chose golf, a sport they knew nothing about. Markus identified the key to their success: the people that play golf are crazy for it. It’s an expensive hobby that requires you to dress a certain way and carry a bunch of expensive equipment; golfers expect to spend lots of money. All Capital Edge needed to do was build the putting green to occupy the kids while the parents shopped. It was a brilliantly simple strategy.

Excel got crushed worse than any defeat in Apprentice history, going so far as to actually lose revenue in the Baseball Department by over 30%. They’d have been better off not showing up for the task. Trump picked three people, James, Jennifer, and Mark, to come back into the Boardroom with Project Manager Josh. Trump promptly gave them all the boot, even Mark, whose sole crime was spending too much time by the pitching machine. The four crammed into the back of one cab and brought new meaning to the phrase “uncomfortable silence.”

Now I’m going to have to watch the next episode just to see how the remaining members of Excel react. Brian, Marshawn, and Rebecca went up to the suite expecting three of their teammates to return from the Boardroom. Did they have to wait all night, wondering why no one came back? Did Robin send a note up to them telling them what happened? Did Trump himself deliver the bad news? Viewers will just have to wait until next week, and I guess I’ll be waiting, too.

Survivor aired its first-ever Halloween Special tonight. Last week’s Reward Challenge rendered most of the contestants unrecognizable beneath their scabs, so tonight’s episode was a gross-out spectacular. The burn victims on CSI looked downright healthy compared to these ghouls.

Bobby Jon’s wounds were worst of all, not surprising since he’s got a rep for smelling the worst, too. Overnight, his congealing wounds stuck to his shirt, and the scabs peeled off when he removed his shirt in the morning. For a minute or two, my dry heaves drowned out the show’s audio.

Later, Bobby Jon got in the tribe’s swim cage, where he sat patiently as minnows fed off the scabs and skin. It gets worse. As the minnows feasted on his own twists of flesh, Bobby Jon put his face in the water and tried to eat the minnows that were nibbling at him. GROSS! Your injuries are not bait. I pity the women of Alabama if Bobby Jon is the best they’ve got to choose from.

Yaxha won tonight’s Reward Challenge and a zipline ride over the jungle canopy, followed by enough chocolate to make you weep. They wisely brought what treats they couldn’t eat back to camp.

The chocolate snacks came in handy when Yaxha decided to throw a birthday bash for Danni. In the spirit of good sportsmanship, Yaxha rowed to the Nakum camp to invite them over for a pool party. Nakum accepted and they were treated to a dip in the pool and some of the leftover chocolate. Now who wouldn’t enjoy that?

Jamie.

The Most Bitter Guy in Guatemala couldn’t stand fraternizing with the enemy and quickly pulled the plug on the party. His fellow Nakums were having a fine time, enjoying food, water, and company. Then, for reasons known only to him, Jamie told them it was time to go. Jamie’s hilarious contempt for all things fun makes me willing to endure a few more weeks of scab healing.

If it was so easy for Yaxha to paddle over to Nakum, why didn’t the tribes go to the other team’s camp before? A few late night panty raids by Nakum and we’ve got ourselves a season, folks. At the very least they could’ve stolen Yaxha’s deck chairs. This seems like a great prank opportunity wasted, and I’m a little disappointed.

Yaxha lost the Immunity Challenge and voted off Amy. At least we know someone received proper medical attention that night. Jeff Probst surprised Yaxha by instructing them to proceed straight from Tribal Council to Nakum’s camp. There should be no shortage of likely candidates to vote off of the newly-merged tribe next week. The oversized egos of Bobby Jon, Jamie, and Judd should bump them right to the top of that list.

Despite watching it with my own eyes, my brain refuses to believe that the Paolos finished in first place on tonight’s episode of The Amazing Race. Every word that they speak to one another turns into a screaming match, and yet the Paolos finish first. I am stunned.

Teams left New Orleans for Panama for the first, and hopefully not only, destination outside of the U.S. The first plane departed nearly three hours before the second, but teams were quickly bunched together as they were forced to wait overnight before they could start on their next task. With as much criticism as the Family Edition has taken for not being a race around the world, I hope that teams aren’t regularly held up waiting for places to open. Nothing slows the momentum of TAR episodes as much as this bunching, and the slower paced Family Edition can’t afford to bore viewers. Not when there’s a chance that, over on ABC, Thelma might bolt from the White House and drive over a cliff.

Teams raced via boat to an island to look for a guy in a hammock. The nasally-voiced Godlewski sisters called out the guy’s name, Ricardo Diaz, as they ran, evoking memories of Gretchen’s infamous screams of “Chico Lolo” from The Amazing Race 7. Señor Diaz had both the Detour clue and the clue to the only Fast Forward on the entire race.

The Paolos and the Gaghans went for the Fast Forward, in which the team members would pair up for a couple of tandem bungee jumps. The Paolos arrived at the site first, so if they completed their jumps, the Gaghans would have to backtrack to one of the Detours. Brian and Tony leapt first, leaving D.J. and his mom, Marion, lashed together atop the platform. The show cut to a commercial as D.J. said, “I can’t do it.”

Anyone who’s watched even a season or two of TAR knows that when the producers cut to commercial as someone tries to back out of a challenge, it means that the person will inevitably complete the challenge. (I don’t remember any examples of someone actually backing out after returning from commercial, so please let me know if I’m wrong.) The Paolos headed for the Pit Stop, and the Gaghans were back in last place.

Meanwhile, the Weavers and Bransens went to a nature preserve to identify wooden birds stuck in trees. This sounds really stupid until you remember that real birds move around a lot, and that birding fanatics have an ungodly amount of patience. The Godlewskis, Linzes, and Gaghans searched the streets of Panama City looking for four instruments that they had to deliver to a jazz club. The Godlewskis teamed up with the Linzes in a brilliant scheme to make the burly Linz boys carry all the heavy stuff.

Buses took teams to a baseball stadium, where the Roadblock required one team member to get a hit off of a championship-caliber little league team. Rolly did the batting for the Weavers, mercifully limiting the number of times I had to watch Rebecca run in her spandex shorts tonight. Rolly was first to complete the task and the Weavers arrived at the Pit Stop in second place, followed by the Bransens and Linzes.

Sharon Godlewski had trouble making contact with the ball, causing sister Christine to inadvertently use the D-word. Michelle comforted Christine by saying, “This is baseball. You can swear.” Sharon’s trouble at the plate allowed Bill Gaghan to finish the task before her, and the Gaghans moved out of last place to finish fifth.

Knowing they trailed all the other teams, the Godlewski sisters prepared themselves for a possible non-elimination leg. This meant layering as many pieces of clothing over the clothes they were wearing so that Phil Keoghan couldn’t take them away along with their money and backpacks. Upon arriving at the mat, Phil asked them, “Do you know how ridiculous you look? Did you know that in Panama it’s illegal to wear underpants over underpants over your pants?” The sisters were promptly carted off to jail in handcuffs.