Dancing with the Stars News
TV Guide’s Deborah Starr Seibel filed a report after last night’s DwtS Performance Show, and apparently Len Goodman’s lecture at the top of the show wasn’t planned in advance. He became incensed after learning from producers that some of the couples practiced for only 6 hours the previous week, and he had to get his concerns off his chest.
Tony Dovolani and Maksim Chmerkovskiy both felt that the judges scored them unfairly, but Leeza Gibbons gets the award for the most hilarious rebuke of Len: "And if he thinks this was my worst dance ever, I beg to disagree. He needs to look at my Fox Trot again."
Real World: Las Vegas — Again The Real World, the most reliable source for drunken, slutty 20-somethings on basic cable, is reuniting the Las Vegas cast for a second season of debauchery. The saddest thing about this is that not one of the seven original cast members was wise enough to turn the offer down. Some people never learn.
Does Waiting Make You Crabby?
If you just don’t know what to do in the hours leading up to tonight’s new episode of The Deadliest Catch, check out Opilia’s Deadliest Reports blog. There, you’ll find everything you ever wanted to know about the show’s production and the brave fishermen of the fleet.
The gap between the couples racing to the finish and those who are eating their dust widened significantly this week. All three judges "set their paddles to stun" and, by the end of the evening, had left several casualties limping off the dance floor. Were they justified in their harsh appraisals of the DwtS couples?
Full Speed Ahead
Apolo & Julianne
Another charming routine from the Dream Team. This couple’s Waltz embraced the romance of the dance, and once again their efforts brought a smile to my face. Their performance was elegant, smooth, and included several seamless breaks in their hold that were executed with remarkable grace.
Julianne looked beautiful. Her upswept hair, elbow length gloves and white gown were absolutely perfect for the performance, and helped convey a calm serenity that was almost palpable. Apolo and his partner deserve an Emmy for their wonderful success at "faking" the maturity of this dance. They are certainly holding their own in this competition and justifiably remain one of the front-running pairs.
Ian & Cheryl
Another consistent performance from the youthful Steve Sanders. I still find it hard to believe that he is 43 years old! Ian’s Waltz was filled with smooth footwork and well executed movements.
However, I didn’t feel any romance or chemistry in this couple’s performance. Cheryl’s long hair extensions spoiled, at least for me, the aesthetic appearance of the dance. Watching her hair whip around during the routine’s fast underarm turns was irritating. The resultant visual impact only accentuated how lovely and effective Julianne’s hairstyle had been in contributing to the overall appeal of her performance with Apolo.
Nevertheless, Ian & Cheryl remain firmly entrenched in the upper echelon of the field. Ian only needs to remember to breathe if he hopes to maintain his momentum to the finish line.
Joey & Kym
A remarkable repeat effort by the N’Sync alumnus. It was clearly the best dance of the night (as evidenced by the audience’s standing ovation). Joey’s performance was fiery, aggressive, passionate and totally convincing. This couple was also fortunate to have been blessed with the best music selection for the Paso Doble. Their gimmick-free performance certainly captured the Spanish flavour of the dance.
Several elements that caught my eye included Joey’s expressive hand and finger movements, his leap into the air, and his crisp, well synchronized footwork. Kym’s excellent choreography was resoundingly successful in depicting her role in the routine as the matador’s cape. This pair continues to improve and deliver captivating performances. Whether they have peaked too early may be of some concern. But they have certainly earned and proven their claim to the lead.
Moseying Along
Laila & Maks
A mediocre performance from the royal couple. A combination of uninspired music and Maks’s overly flamboyant showcasing has once again placed this couple nipping at the heels of the leaders. Their version of the Paso Doble did not live up to the judges’ or the audience’s expectations, given this pair’s strong routines from Weeks 1 and 2.
Their performance noticeably lacked the passion and fire that typically characterizes this Spanish classic. Although their routine did include several strong aggressive moves, I felt that Laila’s facial expressions took away from the seriousness and drama of their performance. Back to the drawing room for this pair! They need a breakout routine next week if they want to avoid being usurped by the Crown Jewels of the competition: Apolo & Julianne.
Billy Ray & Karina
An acceptable effort from the country crooner. Although Billy Ray stomped through the majority of his Paso Doble, he did display the aggression and intensity that the dance called for. His body language and fiery attitude certainly helped to sell his performance. But the dance included several awkward and strange elements. Even though the execution of Billy Ray’s routine was clearly superior to that of Leeza’s and John’s, Billy Ray’s version did not deserve to be ranked in the same class as Laila’s. Its receipt of an identical score was unwarranted.
While I seriously doubt that Billy Ray has the talent to be labeled a dancer (by any stretch of the imagination), I must admit that his on-camera confession of his limited abilities rang with sincerity and humility. His behind-the-scenes footage won some brownie points even though he was portrayed as both a challenging student and a slow learner. This old boy from Flatwoods, Kentucky, is safe for another week. Perhaps Karina should stock up on Kleenex (and Visine) if she plans to take Billy Ray down the home stretch of the competition.
Heather & Jonathan
A pleasing performance from the charity campaigner. Heather’s Waltz was wonderfully choreographed and successfully showcased her lovely lines. Heather’s disability was more pronounced in this routine, making her appear somewhat jerky and stiff in spots, but overall there was a fluidity to the number. The poignant music selection played a significant role in forging a subtle connection between the audience and this pair.
As for the romantic component of the routine, it was present in moderation. At least Heather managed to keep a straight face — which seemed doubtful after her rehearsal footage. Heather remains a hardworking participant in the show. Jonathan’s talent at crafting impressive routines continues to amaze me. These two competitors are well positioned at the middle of the pack, at least for now.
Roadkill
Leeza & Tony
A forgettable effort from the Tango Tramp. Leeza’s Paso Doble was awkward, wooden and uninspired. Her restrained movements were tentative and lacked conviction. In short the routine was "dull, dull, dull," as Len said — although her costume was great! I totally agree with Len that this was the couple’s worst dance to-date.
I suspect that this week’s routine will be Leeza’s swan song. It pleased neither the judges nor the audience. (Of course the terrible song selection didn’t help.) Leeza deserves a rousing round of applause for her efforts but she lacks the goods to go any further in this competition. Signora Leeza, it’s been…an experience!
John & Edyta
Missing: one wizard and one witch. Carrie Ann wasn’t the only one confused by Edyta’s choreography. So was I. The theme of this couple’s Paso Doble, as described by Edyta, was impossible to deduce based on their presentation. And not only did John do a great deal of standing and kneeling in this routine (as opposed to moving around), but his performance noticeably lacked conviction. In a word, this dance was disastrous.
It’s unfortunate that John’s mother had to be a witness to this dancing calamity. Yet despite John’s poor showing, Cheers fans will undoubtedly pull him through for another week. And to be honest, there were worse couples on the floor tonight. Like…
Clyde & Elena
A permanent time-out is on the horizon for this NBA star. Clyde’s version of the Waltz ranks as the most disappointing (and worst) performance of the evening. Coupled with his unflattering training footage, Clyde is definitely in danger of being ejected from the competition. Once again, Clyde danced small, his movements were restrained, and throughout much of the routine he appeared to be looking at the audience rather than at his partner. Even the most meticulous observer would be hard pressed to detect any hint of romance in this pair’s performance.
Elena seemed frustrated with Clyde’s failure to work hard and be punctual for his practice sessions. And the judges didn’t hold back in their dressing-down of this competitor’s attitude. Both Bruno and Len accused him of not putting in enough effort. While Clyde still has a long way to descend before he ends up in Master P’s class, I do agree that his dancing shows little improvement and exhibits relatively the same style no matter what the routine. I don’t think Clyde won any votes with his rebuttal of the judges’ comments. I believe his behind-the-scenes clips speak for themselves. I predict a bottom two placement for this laid back Hall of Famer.
Len Goodman said the judges would score harshly on this week’s Dancing with the Stars, and he was serious. The scores ranged from 15 to 28, and quite a few of them were closer to 15.
Len gave a warning to the contestants before the dancing began. He pointed out that last season’s couples practiced an average of nineteen hours each week, while this season’s couples were only averaging thirteen hours of practice time.
"That six hours is the difference between good dancing and great dancing," said Len. And if he didn’t see great dancing tonight, he warned, "My marks will reflect it."
Tom Bergeron, who, week to week, is revealing himself as a closet Star Trek fan, joked that the judges’ paddles "are set on stun."
Laila Ali & Maksim Chmerkovskiy — Paso Doble Song: Georges Bizet, "Les Toreadors" (Done in the style of Semyon Bychkov & Orchestre de Paris)
Maks accepted responsibility for his rulebreaking choreography last week, and the pair made up once Laila flashed her "puppy eyes."
Maks’ outfit was…unusual. He wore a cummerbund and a jacket that was merely a short vest connected to sleeves by epaulets — so there was nothing covering his chest or armpits. Laila wasn’t herself during the performance; she appeared distracted or disinterested. Her technique didn’t seem to suffer, but the routine lacked passion.
All of the judges agreed, noting a lack of fire. Len appreached Laila’s "nice flamenco arms," but said there was "not enough content." Bruno said the performance was "like watching reruns." Carrie Ann said, "Your movements are still a little small. You’ve gotta work on your flexibility and opening up a little more."
Judges’ Scores: Carrie…7, Len…7, Bruno…7 = 21/30
Apolo Anton Ohno & Julianne Hough — Waltz Song: Simply Red, "If You Don’t Know Me By Now"
Apolo was concerned about the Waltz: "It’s slow and older. I’m not sure we have the maturity for the Waltz, but we’re sure gonna fake it."
Apolo and Julianne looked stunning in a brown suit and ivory dress, respectively. They captured the romance of the dance, and I totally bought it. It was my favorite Waltz of the evening.
Bruno called them "the crown jewels of the competition." Carrie Ann called Apolo over for a high five, "That was so romantic. Woo!" Len wasn’t as enthusiastic as his cohorts: "Learning the routine is not the end of it. It was riddled with footwork. Your head when you’re in hold is supposed to be to the left. Yours was to the right."
Tom was forced to break up an argument between Len and Bruno by asking the former, "From a British perspective, are your knickers in a twist or something?"
Judges’ Scores: Carrie…9, Len…8, Bruno…9 = 26/30
Leeza Gibbons & Tony Dovolani — Paso Doble Song: Bon Jovi, "You Give Love A Bad Name"
Leeza has taken Bruno’s "tramp" advice to heart. To prove what a bad girl she is, she and Tony trained with ultimate fighter Randy Coture. Samatha Harris (looking stunning in a midnight blue gown and shoulder-length ‘do), later asked Leeza what I really wanted to know: how the hell does she know Randy Coture? Leeza didn’t say.
Dancing to "You Give Love a Bad Name," Leeza was decked out in black leather, like she was going to a biker bar after the show. But for all of the surface badassery, the dance was ponderous. As much as she wants to do this, Leeza just isn’t making progress.
Carrie Ann tried to be constructive: "Not so good this week. You looked awkward on your heels. You’ve gotta start moving your body more." Len had one thing to say, three times: "Dull, dull, dull." Bruno said Leeza’s performance was the "diet version" of what should’ve been a "juicy steak."
Samantha always reminds the at-home audience to vote after each couple performs, and she had her most kick-ass moment ever after Leeza & Tony’s dance: "If you think they gave the Paso a good name, then don’t let them go down in a blaze of glory." A double dose of Bon Jovi references! Samantha, you are my hero… for now.
Judges’ Scores: Carrie…6, Len…5, Bruno…5 = 16/30
Ian Ziering & Cheryl Burke — Waltz Song: Shirley Bassey, "He Was Beautiful"
Despite the fact that he’s almost 20 years older than Apolo, Ian was having the same problem with the maturity of the Waltz. Cheryl complained, "I need more Fred Astaire and less Goofy."
Their performance was solid, but it wasn’t as romantic as Apolo & Julianne’s. Also, Cheryl’s nearly waist-length hair extensions were a bit distracting. Still, I don’t think that this couple has it in them to give a poor performance. Slow and steady wins the race.
Len called the performance "a really, really good Waltz." Carrie Ann said, "You’re not breathing, and that’s why you get stiff and you lose your balance and your footing so often." Bruno told Ian, "You started like Mr. McDreamy, but sometime you went to Mr. McStiffy." He then protested ignorance of any sexual connotations that could be read into that remark.
Judges’ Scores: Carrie…7, Len…9, Bruno…8 = 24/30
John Ratzenberger & Edyta Sliwinska — Paso Doble Song: Queen, "A Kind of Magic"
In honor of thier song, John portrayed a wizard "taking someone out of the swamp and turning them into a beautiful bird." I would’ve been more impressed if they had paid tribute to Highlander — the movie from whence the song came — and John portrayed The Kurgan.
Edyta looked gorgeous, as she always does, and that was the only good thing about this performance. John’s dancing was sloppy and plodding, and the choreography was forgettable.
Bruno summed up the performance: "Obviously the magic backfired tonight, and it turned into a curse." Carrie Ann confessed, "I was confused. I couldn’t tell if you were being funny, or if you were really trying and it just wasn’t working out so well." Len said, "I think you were going for humor, because you made me laugh a lot."
Judges’ Scores: Carrie…6, Len…5, Bruno…5 = 16/30
Clyde Drexler & Elena Grinenko — Waltz Song: Johnny Cash, "Foolish"
Apparently, Clyde isn’t very motivated to practice. He’s routinely late for training, and while he’s there, he spends most of his time yawning.
His lack of intensity was obvious in his performance. Everything was sloppy, and it wasn’t romantic at all. It looked more like a father dancing with his daughter — and the daughter danced circles around Dad.
Carrie Ann asked Clyde, "Are you aware that there are different styles for each dance? Because it’s not showing up on the floor." Len said, "Clyde, in my opinion, you’re not even giving it your best shot. He’s just walking through the dance." About the dance, Bruno quipped, "There’s more romance between Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell."
After taking that beating, Clyde offered to give Len a beating of his own after the show.
Judges’ Scores: Carrie…6, Len…4, Bruno…5 = 15/30
Billy Ray Cyrus & Karina Smirnoff — Paso Doble Song: Ram Jam, "Black Betty"
At first, Billy Ray was almost as difficult in practice as Clyde. But when Karina finally broke down in tears (after Billy pretty much refused to bend his knees), it was just the motivation Billy Ray needed to buckle down and learn his moves.
Dancing to Ram Jam’s Southern rock hit "Black Betty," Billy Ray had a sort of clumsy Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse swagger in his performance. His technique will never be great — it may never even be good — but BRC is growing on me.
Len was appreciative of Billy Ray’s efforts: "You did the most practicing this week of all the couples…. I can see some improvement, and I can see that you’re giving it your all." Bruno said, "You really went for it, like a mad bull in Pamplona." Carrie Ann captured the spirit of the performance: "That was oddly awkward, and sexy, and hot, and strange all at once, but I loved it."
Judges’ Scores: Carrie…7, Len…7, Bruno…7 = 21/30
Heather Mills & Jonathan Roberts — Waltz Song: Dolly Parton, "Sandy’s Song"
Heather admitted, "I’m absolutely rubbish at the Waltz." The dance’s slow, consistent pace actually makes it harder for her to balance on her prosthesis than during the faster dances like the Jive.
Heather’s white dress with green beaded bodice-work was beautiful. While she didn’t look as steady on her feet this week, the performance was still solid, with a few nice spins. Like Ian & Cheryl, I have a hard time imagining this couple giving a truly bad performance. Jonathan is great at coming up with choreography that doesn’t just work around Heather’s disability; it all but disguises the fact that she even has one.
Bruno gave Jonathan credit for crafting "such beautifully thought dances," and he complimented Heather for improving her posture and hand position. Carrie Ann disagreed and told Heather, "This week wasn’t as good. Your shoulders were up. Your neck was a little bit awkward. I think you can do better." Len was kinder, saying, "I thought overall you did a great job
Judges’ Scores: Carrie…7, Len…8, Bruno…8 = 23/30
Joey Fatone & Kym Johnson — Paso Doble Song: James Horner & Simon Rhodes, "Collecting the Ballots"
After dancing to Star Wars last week, Joey vowed, "No gimmicks. Straight Paso Doble."
He and Kym did just that. Their costumes were more Medieval Times than mud-covered peasants, but the routine itself was very straight. By avoiding gimmicks, Joey was able to show off what a talented dancer he is — and the great relationship he has with his partner. Celebrity audience members Lance Bass, Alfonso Ribeiro, and Reggie Miller gave the performance a standing ovation. If it’s good enough for Carlton Banks, then it’s good enough for me.
The judges were equally enthusiastic. Carrie Ann shouted, "You were on fire tonight! That’s what a Paso Doble should be." Len said, "You really captured the flavor of that dance. It was the best Paso of the night by a mile." Bruno agreed, "You were right on it."
Judges’ Scores: Carrie…10, Len…9, Bruno…9 = 28/30
Leaderboard: 28 — Joey & Kym 26 — Apolo & Julianne 24 — Ian & Cheryl 23 — Heather & Jonathan 21 — Laila & Maks, Billy Ray & Karina 16 — Leeza & Tony, John & Edyta 15 — Clyde & Elena
My vote tonight went to Joey & Kym. They were, by far, the best. Although I may throw a couple of insurance votes toward Laila & Maks.
There’s a very good chance that Leeza & Tony will make a repeat visit to the Bottom Two, and if they’re not joined by Clyde & Elena, audience voters need to reexamine their voting criteria.
After this week’s episode, there are only four unimpressive contestants left on The Apprentice: L.A. And, somehow, Nicole and Frank are still among them.
The episode began with Team Arrow moving back into the mansion for good. The teams were dissolved, and six remaining candidates were instructed to pair up. James and Stefani quickly announced they’d work together, indicating some kind of friendship or working compatibility that hasn’t been shown too much onscreen.
Kristine was faced with a dilemma: work with her long-time teammate (and season-long frontrunner) Heidi and risk remaining in her shadow forever, or work with Nicole and risk losing. Kristine desperately wanted to outshine Heidi for a change, so she chose Nicole, forcing Heidi to work with Frank.
The task was to design a promotional video and brochure for Trump’s new resort condominiums in Las Vegas. A presentation of these materials would then be judged by Trump and his son, Don Jr.
Based on their performances on this task, I have no doubt that, had they been paired together, Frank and Nicole would have lost by a landslide. Instead, Heidi had to keep Frank from trying to goof around with James, and Kristine was forced to do almost everything by herself as Nicole slept.
James and Stefani were the first team to present, and they displayed remarkable competence. Their promo package and marketing plan looked like they’d had more than 24 hours to prepare it.
Stefani remains the best presenter in the group — maybe the best in show history — and the occasionally manic James was calmed by her delivery. I don’t know if either of them is qualified to run a company, but they’d certainly be able to fake it for a while.
Then it was time for Nicole & Kristine to give their presentation. Nicole, who’d been so overconfident that she didn’t bother to do any preparation, spent several minutes just trying to get PowerPoint to work before fumbling her way through an awkward, improvised presentation.
After that disaster was over, Kristine gave the Trump’s her brochure. While it looked lovely, the phone number on the back of the brochure was incorrect, rendering the whole thing largely useless, in Trump’s estimation.
Frank & Heidi did just as poorly as the team before them. Maybe worse.
A nervous Heidi skipped over the presentation she was supposed to give and went right into Frank’s video, which was little more than shaky shots of bathroom tiles. Their brochure was text-heavy and had no pictures — not exactly the best way to sell luxury condos.
Heidi wouldn’t give a straight answer when Trump asked if she was responsible for the brochure (she was). When she said that Frank monopolized the graphic designer’s time working on the video, Frank shouted, "You just type it in a Word document" — hence why their brochure looked like crap. I wonder if he suggested Comic Sans as the main font (with Chiller for headlines), too.
Then, Heidi did the stupidest thing she could have possibly done at that moment, and told Trump that, if he wanted to fire her over this one task, he was welcome to. Trump’s response: "Heidi, you’re fired."
Then he fired Kristine for printing the wrong phone number on her team’s brochure.
In the car on their way home, Kristine admitted she’d made a mistake in choosing Nicole, and apologized to Heidi for sticking her with Frank. Heidi smiled and joked, "It’s all right. I’ll get you back."
With two episodes to go, Trump’s choices are limited to Stefani, James, Nicole, and Frank.
Stefani seems the most capable of the bunch, but she’s been invisible for most of the season. If she was going to win it all, I would have expected the editors to give her more screen time.
There’s James, who seems like a decent motivator (if not a big idea guy), but is too much of a loose cannon to be trusted with any real responsibility.
Third up is Nicole, who’s not nearly as smart, funny, or cute as she thinks she is. If you’re looking for an overcaffeinated sorority girl to run your business, then Nicole’s your gal.
Lastly, there’s Frank. After everyone left the Boardroom, Trump and Don Jr. said they’d be comfortable with Frank as a foreman at one of their construction sites, but that he was seriously lacking in sophistication. Putting Frank in the Finale would be like playing a joke on someone who didn’t know any better.
I hope that the end of this season marks the end of The Apprentice. The quality of potential candidates has been declining since the early seasons, and this crop of Trump wannabes is the worst yet. All that winning qualifies you for is appearances on subsequent seasons of The Apprentice, and I’d be happy if I never saw any of these dopes again. That includes Trump.
Dancing with the Stars News
Ian Ziering & Cheryl Burke have been writing celebrity blogs for TVGuide, and in Ian’s latest post, he talks about the troubles he’s had preparing for tonight’s Waltz. If you’re not interested in the technical stuff, just enjoy the post for all of the pop culture references Ian manages to include.
The possibility of a Cheryl Burke threepeat was the focus of a special (and very funny) segment by Kenny Mayne for ESPN on April 1. While I haven’t been able to find video of it (if you’ve got the link, please send it to me here), Kenny did write a blog post about the process of filming the segment.
For everything you need to know about Cheryl, check out her official webpage: StrictlyCheryl.com.
Rock Star: INXS Update Broken & Beautiful, the first album by Rock Star: INXS contestant Suzie McNeil, hits stores on Tuesday, April 10. Autographed copies of the album are available through Suzie’s website, which is good news for those of us who still maintain that she was the best singer from either season of Rock Star.
Vampires on TV
HBO is following Lifetime’s lead (that’s a first) and filming its own vampire series based on a book series. Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer have been cast as the leads in True Blood, based on the Southern Vampire Mysteries by Charlaine Harris.
Meanwhile, Lifetime is still working its way through the first season of Blood Ties, based on The Blood Books by Tanya Huff. For now, Lifetime is only airing the show on Sunday nights, repeating the same episode a couple of hours later. It’s a show I might actually watch, if only they’d re-air it on another night during the week. The episodes are available at iTunes, but I’d rather keep my two dollars.
With all of these vampire series written by female authors hitting the small screen, Laurell K. Hamilton’s Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter series has to be next. On second thought, that show would have to be relegated to the Spice Network, so maybe not.
The first time Uchenna & Joyce ran The Amazing Race, they won because they were fortunate enough to get on a plane they probably should’ve missed. This time, they were eliminated when they weren’t able to catch a connection they were originally scheduled to make.
All of the teams left in the middle of the night for their next stop: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. There were three flights out of Krakow, Poland, all with connections in various parts of Europe.
Charla & Mirna booked tickets for a flight with multiple connections that arrived in Kuala Lumpur at 4:45 a.m. the following morning. Ozzy & Danny, Eric & Danielle, and Dustin & Kandice were on another flight, via Paris, due to arrive at 7:25 a.m.
Uchenna & Joyce took a chance on a flight that would get them to Kuala Lumpur in second place at 6:40 a.m. — provided they made their connection in Frankfurt. They knew they were pressing their luck, as they would have only fifteen minutes to get across the airport, even if their first flight was on time… which it wasn’t.
That was the last the audience would see of Uchenna & Joyce until the end of the episode.
Charla & Mirna arrived in Kuala Lumpur on schedule, and traveled by train and bus to the Batu Caves, where they found their next clue. It sent them back into a residential area of the city, where they had the opportunity to Yield another team.
The cousins did not use the Yield, but continued on to the Detour: Artistic Expression or Cookie Confection. In Artistic Expression, teams had to accurately recreate a batik print on a 45-foot long piece of cloth.
In Cookie Confection, teams had to sort through 600 boxes of cookies, biting into each cookie in each box to find the lone cookie with a black licorice center. Charla & Mirna chose this task, and as they chowed down, one local passerby cheered, "Go, Charla!" Apparently, the cousins are popular in Malaysia.
When the second planeload of racers arrived, they each took a separate route to the Caves. The Beauty Queens got there first, followed by Ozzy & Danny, and then Eric & Danielle.
Having no idea whether their plane had been first, last, or (as it turned out to be) in the middle, the Beauty Queens decided to use the Yield. Since they weren’t sure whether Charla & Mirna or Uchenna & Joyce had already arrived at the Yield, they figured their best bet was to choose one of the teams that had arrived on the same plane. They decided that Eric & Danielle were the bigger physical threats, and Yielded them.
The Beauty Queens went to the batik workshop, where they meticulously stamped their fabric before brushing on the dye. They received quite a shock when Charla & Mirna showed up and started stamping their own fabric. The cousins had wasted their several-hour lead by eating through nearly half of the boxes of cookies, before deciding to switch tasks.
Ozzy & Danny reached the Yield and Detour and decided to try their hands, er, mouths at the cookies. Danny misinterpreted the clue to mean that one box would be filled entirely with cookies with licorice-centers, so they only needed to bite into one representative cookie from each box.
Ozzy argued with him about his interpretation, and they decided to switch tasks. Then they decided to go back to the cookies. They quickly abandoned the cookies for good, and arrived to find Charla & Mirna stamping their fabric. The Beauty Queens had already finished.
Frustrated from their arguing, Ozzy & Danny made another mistake, improperly following their batik pattern. They had to start from scratch, giving Charla & Mirna enough time to finish and head to the next task.
Back at the Yield, Eric & Danielle arrived to find that they’d been forced to wait by the Beauty Queens. Eric (possibly trying to quote Anchorman) called the girls "dirty pirate hookers," and Danielle wondered why the Queens would want to "make enemies for no reason."
(It still amazes me that people treat getting Yielded like they’re victims of cheating. It’s been an official part of the race for over half the show’s history. And, because they thought they were in danger of elimination, it was decent strategy on the part of the Beauty Queens. You don’t want to get Yielded? Then be in first place when you reach the Yield marker!)
Eric & Danielle went on to try to the cookie task and were the only ones to successfully complete it. Even knowing now how difficult that task was, the power of cookies would still compel me to at least give it a try.
Teams then made their way to another residential area for a Roadblock. Malaysians normally sell their used newspapers to recyclers who travel the streets on bicycles with carts attached to the sides. One member of each team needed to collect a stack of newspapers that was eight hands high. Apparently, newspapers and horses use the same measurement system.
Kandice took on the task for the Beauty Queens, riding through the streets yelling, "Surat Khabar Lama" to announce her presence. One middle-aged gentleman assured her that she’d have no problem collecting enough newspaper: "The way you look, yeah."
Kandice finished her Roadblock as Charla & Mirna arrived. The Beauty Queens drove by taxi to the Pit Stop at the Carcosa Seri Negara mansion. Phil Keoghan looked excited to see the gals, knowing that the news that they were in first place would send the Beauty Queens into a screaming fit.
Phil’s news did, and they screamed even more when they were told they’d won a pair of retro scooters.
Meanwhile, Mirna was on the bike for the cousins, and Ozzy & Danny and Eric & Danielle arrived. Danielle took the bike for her team. Oswald & Danny were both exhausted from the heat, from flying, and from arguing over Detours earlier in the day. Danny looked totally gassed, but when Oswald asked him to do the task, he gamely agreed.
Mirna recruited some kids to help her push her newspaper-laden bike to the delivery site. She announced, "These are the future Charla’s and Mirna’s of the world." Then she told the kids, "Stay out of drugs, go to school, be a professional, and you’re in good shape."
The cousins drove to the Pit Stop and finished in second place.
Both Danny and Danielle rode around in the heat, each eventually returning with about half of the newspaper they needed. As Danny rode out for his second trip, he smiled and yelled to Ozzy, "I’m totally hating you! Hating you!"
Danielle bent one of her wheels on her second trip but still finished before Danny, who discovered that everyone in the neighborhood had already gotten rid of their newspaper. So he went to a convenience store and bought out their entire stock of the days newspapers — spending almost all of the team’s money on almost twice as many papers as he needed.
All of the teams had reached the Pit Stop by the time Uchenna & Joyce arrived in Kuala Lumpur. Their first clue, at the caves, instructed them to head directly to the Pit Stop. There, they were told that they’d been eliminated.
Next week, the Beauty Queens have a confrontation with Charla & Mirna. Because it’s their turn.
Instead of clairvoyants and numerologists, I used YouTube video views and some semi-accurate stereotyping of teenagers to predict which couples are in the most danger on Dancing with the Stars.
9. Leeza Gibbons & Tony Dovolani
Despite tying for first place in the judges’ scores (not that it really meant anything, since the scores were so close), Leeza & Tony still wound up in the Bottom Two alongside Shandi & Brian. Leeza just doesn’t have the fan support to last any longer — even though I don’t think she’s the worst of the celebrity dancers.
8. Clyde Drexler & Elena Grinenko
The judges’ keep asking Clyde to open up and let his personality out, and I just don’t think it’s going to happen. People really want to like him, so he’ll be able to outlast Leeza; after she’s gone, he’ll be next.
7. John Ratzenberger & Edyta Sliwinska
Like the two celebrities that precede him on this list, only one of John & Edyta’s dances has been posted at YouTube. That means that there aren’t enough hardcore Ratzenberger fans (or Drexler or Gibbons fans) out there willing to take the time to create and post videos of their dances.
John is the most recognizable of the worst dancers, but his biggest fans probably skew older — at least they do among my family and friends. I could be wrong, but I suspect his supporters are less likely to vote multiple times via multiple media (see Billy Ray’s entry for further clarification). And, as the pool of eligible candidates shrinks a little further, I doubt Ratzenberger will pick up too many new fans, meaning his percentage of votes could decrease rapidly.
6. Billy Ray Cyrus & Karina Smirnoff
Billy Ray and Clyde are probably the two dancers with the least amount of potential. But thanks to his role on Hannah Montana, Billy Ray is recognizable to the Disney channel demographic — and darn it if those kids don’t love their cell phones and their Internet (and their tiny bottles of colorful booze, and their not-wearing-jackets-in-cold-weather, and…ow, my hip!). They’re much more likely to use all of their available votes; fans of Cliff Clavin may call once and leave it at that.
Still, Billy Ray will probably only be able to outlast the celebrities at the bottom of the heap. The top four or five couples will keep turning out show-stopping performances, and voters will forget about BRC, just like we all did for a decade or so, previously.
5. Heather Mills & Jonathan Roberts
Right now, there is more curiosity surrounding Heather than any other competitor. In the past three weeks, the YouTube video of her first dance has been viewed nearly 100,000 times; the next most popular video is Apolo’s first routine, which has been viewed 21,000 times.
So far, Heather’s been able to deliver performances that boggle the mind, but it’s been based on the difficulty of her gymnastic tricks. Eventually, the effectiveness of those tricks is going to wear off, and she’s going to be judged on the quality of her technique. Right now, her technique isn’t as polished as any of the celebrities ranked ahead of her.
4. Ian Ziering & Cheryl Burke
Ian is full of potential, and he’s got a great work ethic, but he hasn’t given a breakout performance yet. Until he does, he stays ranked at number four.
3. Laila Ali & Maksim Chmerkovskiy
Their rule-breaking routine hurt them in the eyes of the judges, and it may have shaken Laila’s trust in Maks. They need to stick with the gimmick-free, quality routines that put them at the front of the pack in the first couple weeks.
2. Apolo Anton Ohno & Julianne Hough
Hopefully, Apolo & Julianne learned the same lessons that Laila & Maks did last week: don’t break the rules or do anything schticky — just dance well. If they do that, they can become the couple to beat.
1. Joey Fatone & Kym Johnson
I know it seems incongruous that Apolo & Julianne were chastised for doing the twist, while Joey & Kym were praised after dancing with a lightsaber, but there’s a reason for it. Joey & Kym needed to acknowledge the fact that they were dancing to music from Star Wars, but also create a Tango that could stand on its own merits — as Cheryl & Drew Lachey did when crafting their "Thriller" Paso Doble in Season 2.
Joey & Kym succeeded, making a routine more memorable than something like Joey Lawrence & Edyta’s Addams Family Tango last season. What would serve Joey & Kym the best this week — and keep them in the top spot — is to perform a straight, solid routine and avoid being seen as a couple that is, as Len Goodman would put it, all sizzle and no steak.
Dreamz and Mookie had their best moments of the season in this episode of Survivor: Fiji. Unfortunately for Ravu, those moments didn’t come during either of the challenges.
When we last left Ravu, they’d just voted off Rocky, and Lisi had foolishly told Alex and Edgardo the clues to the location of the Immunity Idol. As Lisi and Dreamz slept, Alex, Edgardo, and Mookie began to dig.
Mookie unearthed the Idol, and the three guys ran in to the jungle to celebrate. They agreed to use the Idol whenever any of the three of them was in danger, and they decided not to tell Lisi or Dreamz that they’d found it.
Lisi awoke to find Mookie concealing the evidence of his excavating. She felt more than a little superior when she got him to admit (lie) that he was still looking for the Idol. Lisi said, "You’re gonna have to wake up really, really early to fool an old cat like me."
When Lisi decided to look for the Idol herself a little later in the day, Mookie laughed inwardly — and, during his first entertaining interview of the season, outwardly — as he generously offered to help her dig throughout the afternoon.
That afternoon, both tribes were joined by some locals who taught them a traditional Fijian warrior’s dance in preparation for Survivor‘s first dance contest. Both teams had to perform their routine in front of a bunch of villagers, and the best dancers were treated to a traditional feast.
Yau-Man confessed to having no rhythm, so he sat out for Moto. Earl lead the team and had rhythm to spare. I can almost guarantee that Earl will be asked to do his warrior dance at every wedding or party he goes to for the rest of his life.
Ravu, on the other extreme, was a total mess. Alex and Dreamz looked like they were the only ones paying attention during practice. The Fijian version of Carrie Ann, Len, and Bruno awarded Moto a (metaphorical) tacky mirror ball trophy, and the winning tribe dined and danced with the villagers.
Moto sent Lisi back to Exile Island, where she pouted the cold, rainy night away. "I don’t want to be here," moped Lisi. "This sucks. I feel like quitting."
At Moto’s camp the next morning, Michelle and Earl met up for their daily morning meeting. Michelle is Earl’s spy around camp, and she told him that, in the event of a merge, Stacy was probably more likely than Boo to try to hook back up with her old tribe. If they lost the Immunity Challenge that day, Stacy would be voted out.
The Immunity Challenge tested the tribes in the use of traditional weapons. Everyone except for Cassandra, who was sitting out the challenge, would have one attempt with each weapon, and the team that came closest to the center of the target won that round.
This kind of challenge would seem to favor young, strong men with good accuracy, and Ravu had four of them. Edgardo, who had experience with archery, was the last one to go for Ravu, and Earl was last for Moto.
The first challenge, blow darts, was worth one point. Ravu went first, but none of them was able to beat Boo’s bullseye shot. Moto won the point, and Earl never even had to take his turn.
Then it was on to spears, worth two points. Dreamz and Yau-Man were the only contenders to ever hit the target, and Yau-Man had the better throw. Another two points for Moto, and Earl got to sit out another round.
The last round was worth three points — Ravu’s last chance to force a tie. Fortunately for them, the contest was archery, which, according to Edgardo, is a specialty of his.
Most of the contestant’s shots fell woefully short of the target. Yau-Man took his time selecting the straightest arrow, and his arrow landed near the middle of the target.
Finally, it was all up to Edgardo. As his hands shook, it was obvious what was about to happen. The arrow didn’t come near the target, and Moto won Immunity — without any participation from their anchor, Earl.
When Ravu returned to their camp, Lisi pulled Alex aside and told him that she wanted out. "I don’t see the need to push myself any further," said Lisi. The Ravu men discussed her decision and agreed to vote for her at Tribal Council.
About ten minutes before they were supposed to leave for Tribal Council, Lisi had a change of heart and decided that it was her duty to make sure Dreamz was eliminated. She told Alex and Edgardo, who were surprised by the turn. Alex said, "I throw my hands up in despair, as if to say, ‘What the hell?’"
But then at Tribal Council, Lisi told Jeff Probst that she wasn’t sure she wanted to stay. The best argument she could give her team for keeping her was, "Give me a chance. Let me see what happens."
That was not good enough for Dreamz. He asked everyone else on the team if they wanted to keep playing, and they all said yes immediately.
To prove just how badly he wanted to win, Dreamz told Jeff, "If I die, recipitate me at the finish line!"
Jeff just smiled, nodded, and silently told himself to check www.m-w.com or www.urbandictionary.com later, just to make sure "recipitate" isn’t a real word.
The men of Ravu united and voted for Lisi. In her exit interview, she called her teammates "losers" and tried to convince herself that she was really the smart one: "When the ship is sinking, you get off the ship."
So now the jury is made up of Rocky and Lisi, the two most bitter people of the entire season. They should have an awfully fun time together until the next jury member joins them.
Next week, the teams are told to bring their belongings to Exile Island for a "shocking twist."
DwtS News
After a rather bland week of dances, and with a pretty obvious elimination to come, the Dancing with the Stars Results Show shed three million viewers, week to week. Check out Access Hollywood for a behind the scenes report from this week’s Performance Show, and TV Guide for backstage coverage of the Results Show.
E! News reports that Heather Mills is enjoying the boost her image is taken as a result of Dancing with the Stars. On the perception that she married Paul McCartney for his money, she said, "The biggest insult was to Paul, because it’s just like saying he’s so stupid that he would just be with somebody like that." Not a bad point.
C-SPAN: Cable’s Home for Comedy
The fine camera operators at C-SPAN are responsible for this hilarious video of Dick Cheney lurking in the bushes during a speech by President Bush. That reminds me; if you’ve never seen an episode The Prime Minister’s Questions, you should watch British Prime Minister Tony Blair get heckled by members of Parliament at C-SPAN’s website.
Hail to the Hansens
The premiere of The Deadliest Catch Season 3 was as compelling as any previous season. By the end of the first episode, the crab fishing fleet was out to sea, and the Coast Guard had already been called for its first rescue. They found one crewman alive, but three more were still missing.
If you missed last night’s premiere, fear not: the Discovery Channel will re-air the show several times this week. Once you’ve seen it, you will be drawn in by the inexplicable allure of the Hansen brothers, Sig and Edgar. Captain Sig has yet to refer to his crew as "robots" this season, but he did convince Edgar to sneak aboard a rookie captain’s vessel and hide a rotting fish in the wheelhouse.
Once you’ve fallen under their spell, you will need Hansen merchandise, available through the Fishing Vessel Northwestern website. True collectors will want to purchase a Norman Hansen mug, featuring a photo of the third, rarely seen Hansen brother.
I wasn’t shocked by the couple eliminated on tonight’s Dancing with the Stars Results Show. I was shocked by how little respect ABC has for the stars that make the show a success.
The Week 3 Results Show began with a recap of last night’s performances, including the missing footage of the very end of Ian & Cheryl’s Jive. When the camera cut away accidentally during the Performance Show, all viewers missed was Ian losing his footing and dancing out of time with Cheryl — nothing as salacious as I’d hoped for.
Speaking of all things Salacious, Joey & Kym were asked for an encore of their Star Wars Tango. I was able to focus more closely on the dancing this time, and I was impressed — although Joey really does need to tuck in his butt.
The first performer on a performance heavy night was by Ciara (pronounced like Sierra), accompanied by some random dancers. Since none of the DwtS pros were involved, I took the opportunity to check in on the NCAA Women’s Basketball title game. Candace Parker, the pride of Naperville, Illinois, was leading her Tennessee Volunteers to victory.
After Ciara’s performance, Samantha Harris caught up backstage with two couples who took a beating from the judges last night: Ian & Cheryl and Laila & Maks. Ian vowed to work harder in practice this week, and Laila admitted that she and Maks regretted breaking the rules.
Then, Joey & Kym and Apolo & Julianne were announced as the first couples safe from elimination. Joey & Kym plan to keep emphasizing showmanship, and Apolo hopes he and Julianne will be ready to take over the top spot should one of the other couples slip up.
The highlight of the Results Show was, as it often is, a performance by the DwtS Pros. Cheryl, Elena, Karina, Edyta, Jonathan, Brian, Maks, and Alec danced the Paso Doble to "Eye of the Tiger," performed live by Survivor. With all of the close-ups of the aging rock band, be thankful if you didn’t see it on HDTV.
In reference to Rocky, the men wore wear boxing robes and the women wore championship belts. The routine was certainly a spectacle, but it was also a quality Paso Doble. Jonathan and Cheryl were responsible for the fantastic choreography.
The performance was followed by another Jimmy Kimmel bit, which again centered putting his parking lot security guard, Guillermo, in a dress. If that’s going to be the joke every week, I’m not even going to bother mentioning the segment.
Then it was time for another performance, this time by Josh Groban. Tony and Julianne provided the dancing accompaniment, including a number of lovely lifts.
Before the season began, a clairvoyant and a numerologist made predictions about who would win this season of Dancing with the Stars. The numerologist picked Laila & Maks, while the clairvoyant chose Ian & Cheryl.
Both are good picks, unfortunately, the reasoning behind those picks doesn’t hold up under too much scrutiny. Apparently Ian has a purple aura, which is generally reserved for heads of state and CEOs. And Steve Sanders.
They had a few other predictions as well: Heather will cry by week 5. John’s aura indicates a "significant lower back problem." And Joey is going to drive Kym to a breakdown.
I think the only people less reliable than these pseudoscientists are baseball analysts who hate Moneyball. Maybe ABC can borrow Joe Morgan and Steve Phillips (or, as my husband calls him, "the profoundly stupid Steve Phillips") from ESPN to make predictions on next season.
In another pretaped segment, the celebs talked about how horrible and scary the Results Show is. Most unnerving is that they have trouble hearing the hosts, so last week, Billy Ray didn’t immediately realize that he was safe.
Fittingly, when Tom then announced that Heather & Jonathan were safe this week, Heather turned to Jonathan and asked, "Huh? What’s that?"
Shandi & Brian and Leeza & Tony were announced as the couples in tonight’s Bottom Two. After plenty of commercials and much suspenseful stalling, Shandi & Brian were told they’d been eliminated.
As soon as their names were read, Tom asked the couple to quickly come over to the microphone: the show was almost out of time. Shandi said, "I honestly cannot speak highly enough of everyone," and hoped that she hadn’t disappointed Brian.
Before they could say anything else, they were ushered onto the dance floor.
If ABC is going to make the Results Show an hour long — and loaded with cross-promotional filler material — the least they can freaking do is give the ousted celebrities and their partners a couple of minutes to say good-bye.
The stars are the reason that people watch the show, and by cutting them off, it slights the fans of the show. It’s rude and disrespectful. But I guess we can’t expect much from the same network that cuts off Academy Award winners mid-speech.
When Shandi & Brian began their farewell dance, the band and singers crooned, "So I’m never gonna dance again…" — the chorus to Wham’s "Careless Whisper."
Next week, the remaining couples will dance either the Paso Doble or the Waltz. Here’s hoping that ABC shows more respect for whoever’s eliminated next week than they did for Shandi.
My Ox Is Broken 
