Cindy had a chance to break the Curse of the Car on tonight’s Survivor: Guatemala. Instead, she did what every Survivor in her position had done before her and kept the car she rightfully won. All it cost her was $1 million.

Cindy made mistakes throughout tonight’s episode. Upon returning to camp after Tribal Council, she complained about not being in on the decision to vote Judd out. She had a right to be paranoid — Judd wasn’t consulted before Jamie got the boot — but she shouldn’t have let it show. Danni has stayed in the game by smiling and nodding while inwardly freaking out about being next to go. No good can come from showing your competition that you’re afraid of them.

The Reward Challenge brought back elements from previous challenges, and Cindy narrowly beat Stephenie in a race to complete a puzzle. Upon winning, Jeff presented Cindy the keys to a Pontiac Torrent and, surprisingly, not a Buick Lucerne. The Lucerne’s been featured on The Amazing Race and The Apprentice: Martha in the last week, so why not here? Jeff then gave her the option to break the curse by giving up her car in favor of giving the other four contestants their own Torrents.

Had Cindy been from Chicago, and not Florida, she would’ve understood the sign telling her to give up the car. As Jeff was speaking, a man on a goat rode by in the background. If she was from Chicago, Cindy would’ve recognized the man as Steve Bartman riding on Sam Sianis’s goat. Cubs fans know that curses are real, and that you can’t break them with willpower, or superior pitching, alone.

Using the logic that she might not win the million anyway, Cindy kept her car. She got to bring a buddy along for a joy ride and a barbecue, so she asked Stephenie to join her. Steph immediately said that she would’ve kept the car, too, although Cindy didn’t seem too bothered by her decision. She reasoned that the ability to give free cars to people belonged to the Oprahs of the world, not the zookeepers.

Meanwhile, back at camp, Rafe and Danni seemed to agree that whenever you have the chance to give someone else a free car, you should take it. Just like that, Cindy lost her place as Rafe’s gal pal and Danni became his new best friend. Then the two giggled and braided each other’s hair, scenes mercifully left out during the editing process.

The following day, Steph was finally able to win her first individual Immunity Challenge, proving that she really is the threat everyone assumed she was. Danni’s and Rafe’s ill-will toward Cindy directed their voting strategy, and Cindy’s efforts to mark Rafe as the biggest threat were ignored. As Cindy left with her torch, she told the remaining competitors she’d think of them whenever she looked out of her new car’s sunroof. The remark drew smiles from the jury members, and even a little fist pump from Judd.

The winner will be decided on Sunday night, and if Rafe, Danni, and Steph have any sense, Lydia will be the first one voted out. Jury members can’t be given the option of voting for someone they have no feelings for. Lydia is a non-entity to most of them, and if someone’s still feeling betrayed, it’s easy to throw a vote Lydia’s way. Nobody having strong feelings about Lydia is exactly why she shouldn’t be in the final two. Whether they vote for someone they like or against someone they hate, jury members should always be forced to chose.

It’s totally unsatisfying when someone who was a non-factor in the game makes it to the final vote. Lill from Pearl Islands was the perfect example: she made it to the end because everyone thought they could get rid of her at any time, but forgot to actually get rid of her. Thankfully, the jury did the right thing in that case, and Sandra won the $1 million. But if Lydia wins on Sunday, I’ll have to be just like Sandra and “get loud, too. What the f#*k!”

Two contestants were shown the door on tonight’s episode of The Apprentice: Martha Stewart. Matchstick’s embarrassing airline commercial inspired Martha to fire both Ryan and Marcela. Looks like someone needs to buy Ryan a drink.

The three-person wrecking crew, Primarius, has been on a roll the last few tasks. Dawna, Bethenny, and Jim have found an effective way to work together, and Bethenny was able to capitalize her team’s momentum as this week’s Project Manager. She made most of the major decisions about Primarius’ 30-second commercial, leaving the administrative tasks to Dawna. Jim was given assignments that would keep him out of trouble, including drawing up the storyboard and schmoozing the actors who’d be starring in the commercial.

Primarius listened to the executives of Song airlines while designing their commercial. The executives specified that the target audience was women in their 40s. Bethenny crafted a spot featuring a married couple, a mother with a child, and a businessman; each vignette showed people that the target audience could relate to, either as a wife, a mother, or a business traveler.

Matchstick took the opposite approach. Project Manager Ryan disregarded the airline executives’ suggestions about target audience and made a commercial for his target audience: himself. Fulfilling his dream to play professional baseball in a really pathetic way, Ryan starred in the commercial as a ballplayer who’s missed his team’s flight. The frequent fliers who judged the ad’s success were treated to bad acting and shots of Ryan in his undies. In the end of the commercial, Ryan sat next to a boxer who’s delighted not to be traveling with his own team. Many viewers were probably surprised to find out that they even have boxing teams.

Like all the best boxers, Marcela decided to be a team player, and she went along with Ryan’s foolish decisions. On several occasions, she did object to the direction the commercial was taking. Unfortunately, by the time she complained, the editing process was well underway and Ryan was half in-the-bag. Apparently, the editing studio had a fridge stocked with beer. Ryan assumed that the editors did all of their work with a buzz, so he helped himself to a few bottles.

It was somewhere around beer number nine that Ryan decided that wordplay and subliminal messages were the key to a quality product. The result was a silly commercial that didn’t target the appropriate audience, didn’t convey the important points about the product, and didn’t test well with the frequent fliers. Bethenny and Dawna may have been on to something when they forbade anyone to give Jim alcohol.

The prize for another Primarius rout was a trip to Martha’s estate to ride horses and play Scrabble with her. Many of Martha’s rewards have been low key, but that’s what’s cool about them. Riding in a helicopter or on a yacht is nice, but everything is better when a celebrity is involved. Yardwork with Regis Philbin, grocery shopping with Katie Couric, ultrasound sessions with Tom and Katie: all way cooler than some dumb boat ride.

Ryan took the blame for the commercial’s failure in the conference room. He didn’t help himself when he justified drinking on the job by saying, “The beer was free.” Martha and the viceroys were also fed up with Marcela’s lack of leadership, so both candidates were shown the door.

Next week, the three remaining candidates face grueling job interviews. Jim’s won’t be able to mask his unprofessionalism, and he’s likely to be eliminated before the final task. Dawna is more than qualified to win the job, and Bethenny has shown amazing competence and an intensity that’s hard to ignore.

The inevitable finally happened: the Godlewski sisters imploded on tonight’s penultimate episode of The Amazing Race: Family Edition. The four blondes showed America that, even though you love your family, you don’t always have to like them. More accurately, you don’t even have to pretend to tolerate your family. So much for growing closer together as a result of a shared experience.

Bickering was the Godlewski’s ultimate undoing. During the final Roadblock, Sharon decided she’d rather walk the golf course while searching for brightly-colored golf balls than ride in a golf cart with Michelle. Sharon thought Michelle was driving erratically in order to throw her from the cart. While the Godlewskis might not have been able to beat the Weavers to the mat for third place anyway, teamwork would’ve made the finish much closer and would’ve allowed them to depart with dignity.

Wally Bransen and his girls finished this leg in first place, earning them a new Buick Lucerne (yes, the same Lucerne featured on The Apprentice: Martha). Don’t be surprised to see the Bransens finish in third place next week because, now that Wally’s got his Buick, he’s just not that into the race anymore. Hell, if it’d been a Lincoln Town Car, he would’ve let the Godlewskis take his family’s place in the finale.

The Linzes finished this leg in a close second, setting them up with a good chance to win the $1 million. They’re in the best shape and have been performing well on Detours and Roadblocks recently. So long as there are no complicated driving directions, the Linzes should be assured of victory. The only thing that could stop them is a Roadblock requiring team members to refrain from making fart jokes.

Look for the Weaver family, this week’s third place finishers, to finish in second place next week. They’ve struggled while driving lately, including getting pulled over for speeding this week. The Weavers feel as if everyone is against them, and that’s been weighing on them more heavily with each day. If they lose, they’ve got plenty of excuses lined up already. Because they’ve stopped holding themselves accountable for their own performance, there’s not much to motivate them to win.

If the Weavers do win, it will be an ending almost as unsatisfying as Flo the Quitter winning Season 3. But at least Flo won without counting on Jesus to pick up the slack.

When MTV launched its first season of The Real World in 1992, the young adults cast were eager to learn about themselves and different types of people. Throughout the early seasons, one trait all of the roommates had in common was a desire to experience new things that would help them grow as people.

By The Real World’s twelfth season, filmed in Las Vegas, cast members had stopped seeing the show as an opportunity for self-development. Instead, it was a means to achieve some temporary, low-level fame. Drinking and debauchery took precedence over understanding people of different races and backgrounds. It’s hard to see what any of the cast members from recent seasons actually learned from their experience.

Here’s a list of some of the lessons the cast members from The Real World: Austin should’ve learned (but didn’t) while they shared a loft, and who should’ve learned each lesson:

#1 – Being honest isn’t the same as being mean. (Lacey)
Lacey was always happy to point out her roommates’ flaws, usually to her boyfriend or to a roommate other than the person in question. As the only non-lush in the house, and living away from her boyfriend, it’s easy to see how Lacey felt like an outsider. She belittled her roommates so that she’d feel superior, and then justified her actions by (eventually) telling everyone what she’d said about them behind their backs. Lacey’s defense was that she was just being honest, and that people don’t like to hear the truth about themselves. She’s right; people usually don’t like to hear unsolicited, unconstructive, critical truths.

What’s really unfortunate is that, when the show started, all of the roommates seemed to look up to Lacey. She’s smart and hip, and she’s got a career that she loves. She’s even got a boyfriend (a sweet one) who’s in a wheelchair, something that would drive most women in their early twenties away. Lacey knows that it’s what on the inside of a person that counts. If she believed that about herself, she wouldn’t need to bash other people in order to feel better.

#2 – Everyone has to grow up sometime. (Wes)
Drinking too much and having a crappy work ethic are unappealing habits. Society tolerates these actions from young adults while they are in high school and college, but not beyond that. Time’s running out for Wes. He has said he would like to run his own business. By appearing on TV, he had a great chance to impress potential investors. But Wes squandered his chance at marketability when he treated his documentary filmmaker job only as an impediment to his partying. Because he doesn’t see anything wrong with his behavior, it’s going to be a long time before Wes stops acting like a kid and starts acting like an adult.

#3 – Learn the difference between right and wrong. (Johanna)
On the reunion show, Johanna said she learned nothing from her arrest. She brushed off the incident by saying that she only stole a rose. Replace the word rose with football, or necklace, or car, and it’s still the same thing: theft. It’s embarrassing that a college graduate can’t understand the concept of personal property.

What’s more frightening is Johanna’s aspiration to become a social worker. How could someone with such a dysfunctional moral compass give credible guidance? Johanna’s advice to Rachel after her fight with Nehemiah and Wes was to keep her anger in her heart. Bottling up emotions isn’t an acceptable form of anger management. It’s probably best that Johanna pursue another career until she understands more about dealing with emotions. And cops.

#4 – Reading has many merits. (Rachel)
Rachel reminds us that, in order for the average IQ to be 100, somebody has to score below that. It’s time Rachel stopped drinking and turned to reading as her primary leisure time activity. Perhaps some books by Chris Crutcher would help her find better ways to deal with bullies. Maybe some of Maya Angelou’s poems would help her feel strong enough to stand up for herself. If those authors won’t do, the Berenstain Bears have a lot of good books. The books aren’t that long, and there are lots of pictures. They probably even have a book on bed wetting, which is apparently a problem for Rachel when she’s drunk, according to previews for Tuesday night’s clip show, The S@#t They Should Have Shown.

#5 – Don’t live your life in fear. (Danny)
Danny spends every second of the day fearing that the people he loves will abandon him. This fear comes from an obvious source: his mother left the family when Danny was young, during the worst part of her battle with alcoholism. Danny criticized the way editors portrayed his relationship with his mother, claiming that they got along fine. But that doesn’t explain his pathological need to push his girlfriend Melinda away, which sounds a lot like something that the adult child of an alcoholic would do.

Rather than risk Melinda leaving him, Danny dumped her first, and on several occasions. His finest moment came on vacation in Costa Rica, when he dumped Melinda after she admitted that, if they weren’t together, she’d have sex with someone else. Danny must have thought Melinda would’ve entered a convent had she not met him.

According to the roommates, Danny is now taking advantage of his 15 minutes of fame. He’s dropped his old friends and focused on advancing his limited celebrity, including proposing to Melinda on-camera for a previously-taped segment aired during the reunion.

Instead of realizing that he’s on his way to alienating everyone who really cares about him, Danny blames everyone but himself. His problems are never his fault: my roommates are jerks, the editors are out to get me, Melinda’s a slut, and my mom is dead. He has to stop being afraid to look at the role he plays in his own problems before the addictive tendencies that he inherited get the best of him. Giving up alcohol would help, too. Things are going to get worse for him before they get better, no matter what happens, and he’s got to take his lumps like a man. He can only hope that none of those lumps wind up on his face.

#6 – You deserve better. (Melinda)
Some piece of Melinda’s past is missing from the image she presented on The Real World. She left out the part where someone convinced her that she was ugly and unlovable. That would explain why she initially thought Danny wouldn’t be interested in her. And it would explain why she puts up with someone who breaks up with her whenever he drinks too much and who forbids her from going out with her friends.

Melinda’s so brainwashed that she can’t look at Danny’s behavior objectively anymore, siding with him no matter what ludicrous arguments come out of his mouth. Melinda, you don’t need Danny. You can find someone better than him. And since Danny’s face got caved in, someone better looking, too.

#7 – Violence isn’t the answer. (Nehemiah)
Having grown up with a mother who made drugs a priority instead of her son, it’s easy to see why Nehemiah has trouble trusting people. What’s harder to understand is why violence is always his first choice of action. If he’s not punching someone or pushing girls out of his way, he intimidates people by posing as if he is going to hit them. That kind of aggressive posturing isn’t instinctive. It’s learned.

While it’s sad that he had to learn to take care of himself by landing the first punch, it’s still wrong. You can’t hit someone just because they make you mad. And a drunken stupor is no excuse. Just like driving drunk, it means you didn’t care enough about others to keep some measure of self-control.

Nehemiah has some major problems, or else he wouldn’t have sabotaged the opportunities he was given on The Real World. He’s a film student whose job was to make a movie. He was introduced to professionals in the field. But when he should have been home working on the project, Nehemiah went out, drank, and got arrested. He’s violent, irresponsible, and unremorseful. Who’d want to work with someone like that? Nehemiah might want to see a therapist before he gets himself into real trouble.

Do you hear that? That mournful sound is the wailing of doormen across the country crying out for their brother, Judd, the latest castaway voted off of Survivor: Guatemala. Judd’s gentle, honest, and coherent nature made him an ambassador for doormen everywhere. And if you don’t think so, you’re a scumbag.

This episode’s Reward Challenge gave Judd the perfect opportunity to inadvertently engineer his own demise. It was time for another Survivor auction, where contestants bid on healthy snacks like beef jerky, cookies and milk, and a Philly cheesesteak. Danni took home the lion’s share of the booty, buying the beef jerky for herself and sharing the cheesesteak with Rafe. Danni also purchased the most important item up for bid, a clue to help her win the next Immunity Challenge.

The final reward up for bid was the inevitable family visit. Survivors’ relatives paraded out of the jungle so that the Skinny Six could bid on a night at camp with a loved one. Cindy, who was out of the running after dropping much of her wad on the cookies, loaned Judd the money to buy a night with his mafia moll wife. The woman wore a lime green, terrycloth jumpsuit into the jungle, man! How are you planning to use the can when you’re wearing a one-piece? Judd seemed to dig the outfit and said that looking at his wife was “like eating twenty-five White Castle cheeseburgers, man.” Apparently Judd missed the Seinfeld episode where George tried to combine food and sex into one perverted activity. George couldn’t eat a pastrami sandwich without getting turned on!

In a shocking twist, which has only been used two or three times each Survivor season, Judd got to pick two people to share in his reward. The remaining tribe members would have to spend the night in exile at the old Yaxha camp. Judd let Cindy bring her twin sister, Mindy (not a joke), since she loaned him money.

This was where things went wrong for Judd. He could’ve picked Rafe, who was predictably crying at the sight of his mother. He could’ve picked Danni, whose brother looks like a bigger version of Rafe, so it would have been like picking a fourth tribe member to share in the reward. Or, Judd could’ve picked Lydia so that she could spend a night with the brother she hasn’t seen for two years. Instead, misguided loyalty won out over intelligent gameplay and Judd allowed Steph to bring her bland boyfriend Mike back to camp.

Rafe, Danni, and Lydia were the worst three people to leave together. Danni and Lydia were both fighting for their lives, and Rafe’s the smartest person on the island. They decided that if Stephenie had proof Judd would turn on her, she’d turn on him first. All they needed to do was return to camp and get Judd to put his foot in his mouth.

It didn’t take long for that to happen. Lydia asked Judd how badly he wanted to be in the final two, and what he was willing to do to get there. Danni walked over just in time to hear Judd say that he knew who was really in control and that they all had to do what was necessary to win. He even threw in his favorite squirrel trying to get a nut analogy. Lydia and Danni felt they had enough ammo to convince Steph to turn against Judd.

The Immunity Challenge was essentially a 3-D version of the Intellivision game Snafu. Contestants moved across a tiled board in turn and weren’t able to stand on any tile that had been previously stepped on by any contestant. The object was to keep moving for as long as possible without getting painted into a corner. Danni was able to use the clue she purchased to swap positions on the game board with any tribe member. She switched spots with Steph and went on to win Immunity.

Any plans to oust Danni were put on hold, and the alliance decided to boot their second choice, Lydia. But Danni got to Stephenie, telling her about Judd’s budding plans to get rid of her. Steph reasoned that Judd had already lied a lot and Danni hadn’t, so Danni was probably telling the truth. The two ladies discussed the matter with Rafe, and Judd’s fate was sealed. Lydia was brought in as the fourth vote, leaving Cindy and Judd as the only two without a clue.

Upon arriving at Tribal Council, where jury member Jamie wore a hideous, hot pink ringer tee, Judd told the group that whoever was voted out would just have to deal with it. Jeff read the votes, and Judd proceeded to not deal with it. Leaving as graciously as could be expected, Judd wished that the remaining contestants be bitten by a freakin’ crocodile and then called them scumbags, twice.

Judd’s ranting continued in his exit interview. He was pissed about being blindsided, unlike previous blindside victims Jamie and Brian, who viewed it as a sign of respect. Best of all, Judd was mad that he’d been lied to since he hadn’t lied in the game. Just last week, Judd admitted that he lied about the location of the hidden Immunity Idol! How quickly some people forget.

In case anyone was wondering, that wasn’t a cardboard cutout of Judd sitting on the couch during the Febreze Family Moment. It was Judd’s twin, who apparently isn’t shaving until Judd comes home with $1 million. Good luck with that, Rip Van Winkle. And no, the twin’s name doesn’t rhyme with Judd.

Guatemala will be a sadder place without Judd. But he assured viewers in his exit interview that he’d have a lot to say to the final two contestants at the last Tribal Council. We can only hope for some ridiculous prepared speech that rivals Sue Hawk’s explosion from the first season. Until then, this cheeseburger’s for you, man.

Somehow, Marcela survived another week on The Apprentice: Martha. But Martha did tell the petite chef to get a backbone, or at least look like she’s got one and stop slouching.

The highlight of the episode came early as Martha waited for the contestants to arrive at her home, Turkey Hill. Martha described the home in a voiceover of estate footage. The voiceover ended with Martha in her kitchen getting something out of the oven. She removed a casserole with one oven mitted hand and said, “Roasted rhubarb,” followed by, “Ow!” as she burned her unmitted hand on the dish. It’s comforting to know that even the great Martha can still injure herself in her kitchen. She’s just like the rest of us, only with an ankle bracelet.

Buick gave teams the task of creating a showroom display for the new Lucerne, a luxury car that sounds like it should be made of butter. Primarius placed the car in a gallery setting, with sleek leather benches, hors d’oeuvres, and stylized photos of the Lucerne. In the center of the display was a car on a shiny black platform. The concept was simple and sophisticated, and the lighting was great. There was only the smallest of chances that Dawna wouldn’t earn her third win as project manager.

Matchstick made absolutely sure that Dawna would get her win. Ryan developed Matchstick’s concept: the Lucerne is such a reliable part of your family, you might as well invite it to dinner. It was a goofy idea that could be a little cute if pulled off perfectly. Project manager Leslie wasn’t about to let that happen.

Instead of making the best of their original idea, Leslie listened to the advice of an outside PR professional and changed the video portion of their display. Then, while setting up the showroom display of a car parked next to a dinner table in a mock-dining room, Leslie decided that the table was too small. The team created a bigger table by stacking up some platforms and covering them with several mismatched tablecloths. It looked as elegant as it sounds.

When Matchstick convened in the conference room, Ryan got positive feedback for his concept and ran with it. He called Leslie out for changing plans and winding up with a sloppy final product. Leslie targeted Marcela who contributed little apart from running errands. But Marcela stuck with Ryan, and Martha agreed that Leslie was all talk and little action.

Martha’s send off letter to Leslie was very positive, encouraging her to pursue a career in marketing. Martha wrote that she and Charles sent their best wishes. Then, as a postscript, she wrote that Alexis sent her best wishes, too. First she burned herself and then forgot to mention her daughter in a letter. Two blunders in one night. What more could the rest of us mortals ask for?

Phil pulled the old switcheroo on the teams tonight on The Amazing Race: Family Edition. Tonight’s episode was the first half of a two-part elimination leg. After next week, viewers will know which three teams will make it to the finale.

Half of the remaining teams are from the Chicago area, and if there’s one thing Chicago teams know how to do, it’s lose. Sure, there were the ’85 Bears, the Jordan Era Bulls, and this year’s World Series champs, the Chicago White Sox. But Wally Bransen is no Coach Ditka, and the Godlewski sisters yell at each other more than Ozzie Guillen does when asked about Magglio Ordonez.

Sources tell me that Wally isn’t able to complete the race and is replaced by Cubs’ legend Ron Santo and his two fake legs.

Tonight, teams arrived at a ranch where two team members had to herd cattle on horseback. Based on their riding skills, the only horses the Bransens or Godlewskis have ever seen were at Arlington Race Course. Fortunately for them, everyone had to wear the same ugly cowboy hats, making their riding look pretty by comparison.

A visit to Old Faithful split the teams into two packs. Teams had to witness an eruption of the geyser before receiving their clues. The front pack was lead by the Bransens, who were followed closely by the Weavers. The second group, comprising the Godlewskis and Linzes, just missed the first eruption and had to wait another 90 minutes before they could depart.

This setup puts the Godlewskis at a serious disadvantage. Not only are the Linzes younger, stronger, and faster, but they are still working well together. Christine is the Godlewski family version of Steve Bartman. Sharon and Michelle share the role of Moises Alou, throwing their metaphorical gloves of contempt onto the outfield grass. That leaves Tricia playing Dusty Baker, doing her best to stay out of it and reading the notes written on her wristbands.

Perhaps the 2003 Cubs don’t exactly parallel the Godlewskis, but the end results will be the same: the Godlewskis are going to choke. Fourth place may be as far as they’ll get before team chemistry breaks down and their winning season falls apart. Michelle, Sharon, and Tricia are reportedly offering to trade Christine to the Oakland A’s for Barry Zito because “Ohmygahd, he’s so cute.”

That would leave the Linzes, Weavers, and Bransens to fight it out for $1 million. If the Linzes and Weavers can’t control their feuding, the Bransens may just be able to sneak by both teams. Wally and the girls also have the advantage of being the only team with any navigation skills. And maybe when they win, the Bransens will celebrate with a few Superdawgs.

Who would have thought that Rafe would be one of the power players on Survivor: Guatemala? He has crazy hair and couldn’t pull himself up a ladder in the first episode.

Yet he’s won three Individual Immunity Challenges and is part of a seemingly unstoppable alliance. He’s assured of a spot in the final four by sticking with his current alliance of Cindy, Judd, and Stephenie. But if he wants to take his fate into his own hands, he has options.

Rafe’s best chance to win is to give the appearance that he’s loyal to his alliance. He needs to direct them to get rid of Lydia next, which shouldn’t be a problem because of the animosity between Steph and Lydia.

Next, he needs assurances from both Cindy and Danni that, should either of them win the last Immunity Challenge, they will bring him to the final Tribal Council. Cindy and Rafe have a preexisting agreement, so he’ll need to make the deal with Danni on the side. He has to tell both Danni and Cindy that she’s his pick if he wins the last Immunity Challenge. It’s up to him to decide to whom he’s lying.

Then the trio of Rafe, Cindy, and Danni can take out Steph and Judd, allowing Rafe to waltz into the final two. Although Rafe is a Mormon and I can’t remember if they’re allowed to dance. Maybe it’s more of a respectful shuffle into the last Tribal Council.

I’ve got to hand it to Rafe, he’s really won me over. It’s fun to see a likeable, everyman character be a force in the challenges. And it’s smart that he paired with Cindy. She’s kind of buff, but her quiet temperament could lead people to overlook her. However, she won tonight’s Reward Challenge quiz, and she’s been competitive in a lot of the physical challenges. At this point, she’s just as likely to win a challenge as any of her competitors.

And as cheesy as it may be, I’d like someone who’s likeable to win. Lydia is a dud except when she’s doing The Pancake, and Steph and Danni will make lots of money as a result of having been on the show, so they don’t need it. As much as I like Judd, I don’t know if I could stand watching him in front of the jury. His answer to every question would be, “Hey, man, it’s a game, man. Don’t call me a liar, man.”

At least if Rafe wins, the money would go to someone who’s a good sportsmanship. Man.

Finally, we’ve got ourselves a race! With only a few episodes remaining, The Amazing Race: Family Edition just had its first exciting episode.

The tasks fueled much of the fun in tonight’s show. Racers got to ride in a helicopter, rappel into a canyon, and ski jump into a pool. On top of all that, everything took place in Utah, a stunning part of America that’s often overlooked. The show’s production staff made Utah look as inviting and spectacular as any foreign country they’ve featured on past seasons.

The Linz family had a banner night, including a predictible, yet still funny, misread of a clue mentioning Elephant Butte. Nick treated his siblings to a perfect run on the ski jump culminating in a face plant into the pool. Upon reaching the mat in first place and seeing a lovely young woman standing next to Phil, Nick exclaimed, “Is that Miss Utah? Miss Latin Utah…even better!”

The Weavers didn’t fare so well, as the emotional toll of being social outcasts weighed heavily on them. Bad directions and being Yielded by the Linzes put them in last place. Their only comfort came from Big Macs and McFlurries from McDonalds. Surely, it’s not the first time they’ve turned to food for comfort.

Although this was a non-elimination leg, the Weavers were hardly excited to continue with the race. Instead they said they’d rather just go home. If we learned anything from Flo on TAR 3, it’s never to say that you want to quit. Flo remains the most unsympathetic and unlikeable contestant ever to race (I refuse to even acknowledge the participation of TAR 6‘s Jonathan), but if the Weavers keep talking about giving up, they might be able to knock the queen from her throne.

Next week will probably bring more of the same complaining from the Weavers, although it should be an elimination leg. The other teams, and most viewers, can only hope that the Weavers will finish last and finally get the elimination they asked for tonight.

If the Weaver family from The Amazing Race: Family Edition is the new face of American Christianity, then America is about to become a much nastier place.

It’s hard to imagine how a widow and her children could be unsympathetic, but the Widow Weaver and her offspring are despicable. The Weavers are harder to relate to than villains from previous seasons because of their seamless transitions from prayer to name-calling. It takes a remarkable lack of self-awareness to be able to do that.

Viewers have been treated to the Weavers calling their competition “idiots” and “retards.” They ridiculed Tony Paolo for earning his living as a garbage collector. None of them seems to remember that Mr. Weaver was killed picking up debris on a race track, making him a garbage man of sorts, too.

But the Weavers don’t see their comments as name-calling. They simply describe the world around them. Acting as avatars of their god, they’ve given themselves the right to pass judgment on others.

After they’ve finished insulting their fellow racers, the Weavers complain that none of the other teams like them. 16-year-old Rachel cried as she said her family was the only one trying to live a Christian lifestyle. They don’t even use cuss words!

Clearly, Rachel the Avatar feels she has the final word on the proper way to live as a Christian. While she gets a pass because of her age, most teenagers have parents who would remind them that it’s not fair to pass judgment on other people, at least not while on national television. The Widow Weaver’s too busy asking for divine help with driving directions to correct her children.

So, if the Weaver family is what constitutes the new Christian family, what happened to the Christianity that gave rise to The Salvation Army? What about the story of the Good Samaritan? Most stories of Jesus’ life focus on his compassion and kindness for strangers.

Somewhere, the Weavers lost this part of the message. Their Christianity is based on lots of talk about God, but little action. In the first episode of the Family Edition, they told a stranger who helped them that they’d see him in heaven (not immediately, of course). Since then, they’ve described their competitors as heathens. According to their interpretation of God’s judgment, only those who help the Weavers will be rewarded.

The god of the Weavers is an inconsistent god. Their deity is fickle enough to kill their father in an untimely and gruesome fashion, but still grace them with directions to the Grand Canyon. Although their deity grants them the power to judge other mortals, their divinely derived powers don’t protect them from persecution by everyone around them. The Weavers seem to be the perpetual victims of this god’s whims.

Perhaps that’s because Weaverian god isn’t fashioned in the image of Jesus Christ; he’s fashioned in the image of a frightened woman and her three pubescent children. It’s no wonder that, to them, a holy life is blaming others for your problems and making fun of people. Prayer becomes a plea for direct assistance rather than and internal search for ways to be a better person.

All of the Weavers are too scared to look inside themselves lest they find themselves lacking. The Widow Weaver is afraid that she isn’t good enough to parent her kids by herself. But good parenting relies on reflection, and by not doing that, she’s being a deficient parent. Most teenagers are scared of who they are or might become, only the Weaver kids are afraid that they’ll have to figure everything out on their own. Until the Weavers get themselves figured out, they shouldn’t be touting themselves as a model Christian family.

Faith is by nature a mystery, but it’s difficult to see what benefit the Weavers are currently getting out of theirs. All they get is a sense of moral superiority and a bad attitude, devoid of any compassion for others. They believe they’ll be admitted into heaven even though they act like anything but angels. If they’re content with that, so be it. But, like any reward, isn’t heaven better when you’ve had to earn it? In the meantime, stop professing your righteousness until you’re able to act righteously.