Tonight’s Rock Star was an episode of firsts: the first time we heard Mig’s song “Do or Die,” the first time Jordis was the worst performer, and the first time I voted for J.D. Like Suzie, Deanna and Ty, J.D. gave a solid performance; he hit the notes and didn’t overdo it. Suzie was the best of the night, and Ty’s rendition of “Proud Mary” was good, although I would’ve appreciated some dancing from his backup singers. Tina Turner wouldn’t tolerate that kind of stationary performance. And the house band made Deanna’s song sound like a real song.

Mig. Ugh. What was that, mate? It sounded like the theme from some 80s film about high school athletics. Picture it: Matthew Modine wins the wrestling tournament, credits roll and we hear, “I’m free fallin’, freestylin’…”. If it was really do or die, Mig, you’d be dead.

Someone stole Marty’s shoes! That has to be why he lost it and tanked the vocals during “I Alone.” It’s a crappy song anyway, but at least no dolphins cried during the filming of the show. God, I hate Live. And poor Jordis didn’t know what she was getting into when she picked “Dream On” by Aerosmith. I can’t imagine how much worse that performance would’ve been in person. If she’s not in the bottom three, I’m demanding a recount. Better yet, there could be some kind of ski-off or karate tournament while Mig’s song plays. Cobra Kai, never die!

Now is your time, Canada, to show America what you’re really all abooot. It’s time to support your girl, Suzie. She’s gotten dogged the last two weeks on Rock Star: INXS and she didn’t deserve it. Her performance of Sam Cooke’s “Bring It On Home to Me” was lovely and far out classed Ty’s theatrics and J.D.’s insincerity. Next week, vote for Suzie and put someone who actually deserves it in the bottom three.

Predictions – I keep slightly revising my thoughts on how the rest of the show will play out, but I think I’m on to something here. The next four eliminations will go boy-girl-boy-girl. Here’s how I hope this scenario works: J.D.-Deanna-Ty-Suzie. J.D. and Ty are interchangeable at this point. INXS knows it would be impossible to work with J.D., but Ty’s campiness may have annoyed them enough to boot him first. I may tweak this a bit after next week’s elimination show, but I’m going to stand behind my final three choices: Jordis, Mig and Marty.

Now that there are eight rockers left on Rock Star: INXS, the band appears to have gotten serious about finding a lead singer. They’ve stopped letting contestants choose their own songs and have begun to assign songs individually. This is a great move because it saves viewers from having to endure more weeks of J.D., Ty, Jessica, well, all of them complaining about not getting the song they wanted, or worse, acting like they’re doing someone else a favor by giving up their first choice. CBS realized that the show works best when there’s less drama and more singing.

I’m sure that INXS will tell each contestant that they chose their song to challenge them as a performer. Of course, I’d prefer they select songs to get rid of the singers they don’t want. For example, give Jessica “Comfortably Numb” by Pink Floyd; she does poorly with slow songs and the lyrics sound like they’re describing an acid trip. I can’t imagine Jessica’s interpretation of it would be anything short of bizarre. Or give J.D. something like “Informer” by Snow just to see him blow up. “I can’t perform garbage like this! If that’s what they think of me, then I’m oooot, hosers!”

It’s still difficult to tell at this point what kind of lead singer INXS really wants. Based on what the band wants, just about anyone could win (except Jessica):

If INXS is looking for a good musical experience with a minimum of problems, choose Marty. He’s got charisma and stage presence and has the best understanding of how to rock. Also, he’s been doing this long enough with some degree of success to have outgrown some of the drinking and ego problems others might have (J.D.). He’s good at working with people and would appreciate the chance to write with successful musicians.

If INXS is looking to bring in a younger audience, they should choose Mig. Mig seems to be happy without a shirt under any conditions, so I guess that’s a plus. He’s charismatic and has a great voice, plus he’s an Aussie so he already knows Aussie slang, unlike all the septics on the show. They could also go with J.D., who has his own following and may appeal to a broader age range of females with bad taste in men. He also may be able to write some decent songs, but does INXS really want to put up with his crap after all this time? Trying to reach out to a young demographic carries a lot of risks. INXS may be better off going the Neil Diamond route, releasing new stuff when they feel like it but sticking to the standards when touring, in which case they should pick whomever they’d enjoy having around the most.

If INXS is looking to achieve critical acclaim, they should choose Jordis. They’ll get credit for taking a risk by hiring a young woman, yet she’s good enough, that taking her isn’t much of a risk at all. They may have to write a little differently for her, which could improve their music and take it in a new direction. Choosing Jordis carries the risk of changing from what’s worked well in the past, but it could yield the biggest reward and may be the most satisfying experience.

And if INXS has decided during the course of the show that they’d prefer to retire, they should pick Deanna, Ty, Jessica or Suzie. Otherwise, those four contestants will be playing a state fair near you sometime real soon. Probably together. Jessica can fill in for Mig on “Stop Go!”

Whoa, Suzie was pissed when she was voted (well, not-voted) into the bottom three on tonight’s Rock Star: INXS. Can’t say I blame her. She made the wretched R.E.M. song “Losing My Religion” almost listenable on Tuesday night’s episode, and she’s got cool hair.

Any aspiring female singer could stand to learn a thing or two from Suzie. She performs with economy while still connecting with the audience, as if she’s channeling all her conserved energy into her voice. That physical restraint adds an air of importance to the movements she does make. Tonight, when she started jumping during the second chorus of INXS’s “Bitter Tears,” it was at a climactic moment in the song, set up by her choice to keep her feet on the stage while she built up the crowd’s energy during the first two verses. Her movements enabled her to really tell the story of the song.

Holy crap, where did that come from?

I guess I can really appreciate Suzie after tonight’s performance because she showed herself to be a total pro. She was seething the whole time she listened to Jessica and Brandon perform, knowing full well that she’s much more polished than either of them and has the chops to hang around for a while. Yet when it was her turn to sing, she seized the moment, giving an excellent performance of a song that is near the bottom of her vocal range when trying to sing quietly. She won the crowd over and belted out a helluva rocker, and she knew it. We’re used to seeing Suzie cry at the end of every Wednesday show (and she didn’t disappoint tonight), but she left the stage beaming because she knew she’d given the performance of the night. Any music fan should be able to appreciate Suzie’s showmanship.

Tonight’s elimination round was a display of contrasts. Suzie was charming, Brandon was creepy, and Jessica was the underdog you’d rather see fail. Jessica needs to stop whining and acting like she’s waiting for the axe to drop. Give us a reason not to hate you, Jess, and we’ll stop. It’s too bad she’s right in believing that she’s next to go because it’ll keep her from trying. And it’ll keep her from seeing this as a chance to learn from singers like Jordis and Suzie who consistently demonstrate how to win a crowd and make them love you.

And then there was Brandon. The guy has tons of potential, but he’s convinced himself that he likes the way he is now, and unfortunately he’s got enough people around him who agree. No one challenges him and he lacks the will to change, so he’ll never be as good as he could be. When Indiana Pacer guard Reggie Miller retired a few months ago, I can remember another basketball player saying, “He achieved his potential; I can’t give him any higher compliment than that.” It’s true; if we reach our potential, we’ve done the very best we could do. Right now, Brandon’s unwillingness to process the criticism INXS gave him has kept him from improving. Shaving your beard doesn’t count as learning. And by not even trying to achieve his potential, he’s done one of the worst things people can do: thrown away talent that others can only wish for.
Good riddance.

I can’t say that I was sorry to see Tara go on last Wednesday night’s Rock Star elimination, but the way she departed exemplified one of the best attributes of the show. She didn’t quit. Tara gave what she thought was a great performance of the INXS song, “Beautiful Girl,” despite the fact that she had to know she was going home that night. She chose to go out with her best because, even though it may not have been right for INXS, it may be right for someone else.

Most of the contestants seem to understand that how they behave and the character they display on TV will have consequences in their real lives. Good behavior matched with good performances will bring a receptive audience to a show. Bad behavior invites hecklers. Rock Star is a nationwide audition for any band looking for a lead singer, whether it’s a garage band just starting out or an internationally famous band whose singer has auto-erotically asphyxiated to death. Um.

Rock Star will continue to be an interesting show as long as the contestants consider it an audition first and a reality show second. It’s the same thing that makes The Amazing Race work so well; teams view it as a race around the world more than a reality show. Survivor’s major flaw is that contestants don’t have anything to keep them busy so they create characters. After the first few seasons, most of the truthfulness and relatability was gone. Rock Star contestants are lucky in that only 30 minutes of offstage material airs each week; they don’t have time to develop offstage alter egos. The format of the show saves the contestants from themselves.

Now that the contestants on Rock Star: INXS have perfected their image, stage presence and vocals thanks to the weekly clinics set up by puppetmaster, Dave Navarro, what could they possibly have left to learn? The rockers still don’t know how to acheive longevity in the music industry and how to maintain a high energy level during long concert performances. That’s where the next two guest clinicians come in.

Neil Diamond: Longevity Coach
Neil’s been in the business for the last 100 years, and has written literally thousands of hit songs. Go ahead, count ’em. Thousands. His clinic teaches the future superstars that the key to a great concert is to add an extra syllable to the last word of each line (e.g. “Holly Holy love-ah”). When the band is jamming, throw in a “C’monahyeah-haaaa” and watch the crowd go wild. And if you’ve gotta make out with that 45-year-old filly in the front row during “Girl You’ll Be a Woman Soon,” you do it. All these things will keep the fans coming back for more, decade after decade.

Bruce Dickinson: Endurance Coach
Bruce’s experience performing with metal gods Iron Maiden in front of billions of fans (per show) has taught him a thing or two about keeping the energy level high during a concert. “It’s all about the running,” Coach Dickinson says. “If you’re not running about while singing, you’re not trying.” Loads of ramps on stage are crucial, although climbing on and off stacks of amps will do in a pinch. It also helps if you have a giant band mascot chasing you during the show. Offstage, singers must train vigilantly in high intensity sports such as fencing and golf. If you can actually endure playing 18 holes of golf, you’re in great shape.

I’m glad summer reality shows are easy and cheap for networks to make, because it’s hard to see promising dramas and comedies dropped because they didn’t draw enough viewers. I still haven’t gotten over how quickly Roar and Danger Theater came and went. And yes, I am aware that Roar does not hold up over time, but the 20-year-old me will still fight you for disparaging her precious Heath Ledger.

It’s halfway through the summer, everyone’s caught up in Rock Star:INXS fever. Well, not really, but let’s pretend, since MSN did decide to link to it on their front page. Wednesday night’s elimination of two contestants, Heather and Daphna, addressed one of the show’s glaring flaws (the other being Kirk Pengilly’s dastardly moustache): too many contestants. Of all the singers on the show, maybe a few would be able to do a decent job filling in for Shower Rod, er, Michael Hutchence. Instead of just making it an extended competition between a handful of contestants whom we’re able to see develop, we’re given 15 wannabes. Many of them aren’t even really rock singers, and the rest of them are chicks.

Seriously, Heather? Like she ever had a chance. Her voice is comparable to Janis Joplin, and by that I mean she sucks. And Daphna? Her tone was clearer but what image was she trying to project? Her circus performer wardrobe took the focus off her singing, at least until she ruined “Rock the Casbah.” All the other losers who’ve gotten the boot thus far have also been wildly inappropriate for INXS.

Who’s left? Tara’s got a great career ahead of her performing at Six Flags, and Deanna looks like an older Joni Mitchell. Suzie belongs on Old and Busted American Idol, and J.D. and Brandon look like they should be working at a gas station. In fact, let’s just eliminate all the Canadians right now, and not just the ones on the show. Jessica actually has a decent voice, but she’s a barista. C’mon.

The final four should be Marty, Mig, Jordis and Ty. Marty can rock, and he’s a frontman, not a solo artist with a backup band. But I haven’t seen his band, The Lovehammers, perform yet, so he can’t win. Ty has great stage presence and can sing anything, but he’s a little too musical theater. I bet he’d make a helluva Rum Tum Tugger, though. That leaves Jordis and Mig. Jordis is the best singer in the competition, with natural stage presence and tons of charisma, but she won’t win. It’s too risky to pick a girl when they’ve got Mig, a shirtless Aussie who’s probably the fourth Farriss brother anyway. He’s a good singer with enough charm to be marketable. After the show’s over, any other well-known band looking for a lead singer should snatch Jordis up in a heartbeat. Personally, I’m pulling for RATT to boot Stephen Pearcy and let Jordis take over. That’d be way cool, junior.

Ah, reality television… I think of the years before reality TV, and it saddens me. I’d spent so many years fulfilling my need to feel superior to others by humiliating people I actually knew. How many people’s feelings could’ve been spared? How many parties might I have been invited to?

The Real World provides such easy marks, it’s hard to find it completely satisfying. Big Brother seems like an even bigger magnet for less entertaining famewhores. Survivor offers great opportunities to criticize groupthink, especially the inability of individuals to actually act in their own best interests, despite what they might tell the camera.

However, no program manages to fully capture all that is best about reality television the way that The Amazing Race does. The show’s compelling format helps; it’s a game show that takes contestants all around the world. Throw in sleep deprivation and an irregular dining schedule and you’re in for some spectacular meltdowns. Almost every couple on the race reaches some kind of breaking point, but none has fallen apart as dramatically as Colin and Christie of TAR5. The most dominant pair of the season, the couple’s paranoia and bickering got the best of them in the Philippines.

Colin & Christie’s late arrival to a clue box got them yielded by eventual winners, Chip & Kim. The yielded team was forced to wait a predetermined period of time before continuing the race, and by the time they finished and hopped in their taxi, Christie was begging their driver to run down pedestrians.

The next task required teams to use an ox to find a clue in a muddy field, one person driving the ox’s plow while the other leads. All the other teams had finished and departed before Colin & Christie arrived, giving them no example to follow. Colin proceeded to drive the ox by himself because Christie 1) didn’t think she could help, and 2) didn’t want to get muddy.

As the ox dragged Colin all over — and, at times, outside — the field, Colin quickly lost his mind. He started screaming at the ox and at Christie, who’d been less than encouraging, herself. Colin cried out, “My ox is BROKEN! This is bullsh*t!” And then he quietly muttered, “Oh God, I hate you.” Whether this was directed at the ox or Christie, only Colin really knows.

Watching this episode of TAR5 was the greatest television experience of my life. Never has one man’s tragedy been so hilarious. So, Colin, I dedicate this blog to you in the hope that some other reality show contestant will fall apart even more completely than you did, and that you will be able to watch it all, smug and content in your living room, just as all of us watched you.