I wasn’t shocked by the couple eliminated on tonight’s Dancing with the Stars Results Show. I was shocked by how little respect ABC has for the stars that make the show a success.
The Week 3 Results Show began with a recap of last night’s performances, including the missing footage of the very end of Ian & Cheryl’s Jive. When the camera cut away accidentally during the Performance Show, all viewers missed was Ian losing his footing and dancing out of time with Cheryl — nothing as salacious as I’d hoped for.
Speaking of all things Salacious, Joey & Kym were asked for an encore of their Star Wars Tango. I was able to focus more closely on the dancing this time, and I was impressed — although Joey really does need to tuck in his butt.
The first performer on a performance heavy night was by Ciara (pronounced like Sierra), accompanied by some random dancers. Since none of the DwtS pros were involved, I took the opportunity to check in on the NCAA Women’s Basketball title game. Candace Parker, the pride of Naperville, Illinois, was leading her Tennessee Volunteers to victory.
After Ciara’s performance, Samantha Harris caught up backstage with two couples who took a beating from the judges last night: Ian & Cheryl and Laila & Maks. Ian vowed to work harder in practice this week, and Laila admitted that she and Maks regretted breaking the rules.
Then, Joey & Kym and Apolo & Julianne were announced as the first couples safe from elimination. Joey & Kym plan to keep emphasizing showmanship, and Apolo hopes he and Julianne will be ready to take over the top spot should one of the other couples slip up.
The highlight of the Results Show was, as it often is, a performance by the DwtS Pros. Cheryl, Elena, Karina, Edyta, Jonathan, Brian, Maks, and Alec danced the Paso Doble to "Eye of the Tiger," performed live by Survivor. With all of the close-ups of the aging rock band, be thankful if you didn’t see it on HDTV.
In reference to Rocky, the men wore wear boxing robes and the women wore championship belts. The routine was certainly a spectacle, but it was also a quality Paso Doble. Jonathan and Cheryl were responsible for the fantastic choreography.
The performance was followed by another Jimmy Kimmel bit, which again centered putting his parking lot security guard, Guillermo, in a dress. If that’s going to be the joke every week, I’m not even going to bother mentioning the segment.
Then it was time for another performance, this time by Josh Groban. Tony and Julianne provided the dancing accompaniment, including a number of lovely lifts.
Before the season began, a clairvoyant and a numerologist made predictions about who would win this season of Dancing with the Stars. The numerologist picked Laila & Maks, while the clairvoyant chose Ian & Cheryl.
Both are good picks, unfortunately, the reasoning behind those picks doesn’t hold up under too much scrutiny. Apparently Ian has a purple aura, which is generally reserved for heads of state and CEOs. And Steve Sanders.
They had a few other predictions as well: Heather will cry by week 5. John’s aura indicates a "significant lower back problem." And Joey is going to drive Kym to a breakdown.
I think the only people less reliable than these pseudoscientists are baseball analysts who hate Moneyball. Maybe ABC can borrow Joe Morgan and Steve Phillips (or, as my husband calls him, "the profoundly stupid Steve Phillips") from ESPN to make predictions on next season.
In another pretaped segment, the celebs talked about how horrible and scary the Results Show is. Most unnerving is that they have trouble hearing the hosts, so last week, Billy Ray didn’t immediately realize that he was safe.
Fittingly, when Tom then announced that Heather & Jonathan were safe this week, Heather turned to Jonathan and asked, "Huh? What’s that?"
Shandi & Brian and Leeza & Tony were announced as the couples in tonight’s Bottom Two. After plenty of commercials and much suspenseful stalling, Shandi & Brian were told they’d been eliminated.
As soon as their names were read, Tom asked the couple to quickly come over to the microphone: the show was almost out of time. Shandi said, "I honestly cannot speak highly enough of everyone," and hoped that she hadn’t disappointed Brian.
Before they could say anything else, they were ushered onto the dance floor.
If ABC is going to make the Results Show an hour long — and loaded with cross-promotional filler material — the least they can freaking do is give the ousted celebrities and their partners a couple of minutes to say good-bye.
The stars are the reason that people watch the show, and by cutting them off, it slights the fans of the show. It’s rude and disrespectful. But I guess we can’t expect much from the same network that cuts off Academy Award winners mid-speech.
When Shandi & Brian began their farewell dance, the band and singers crooned, "So I’m never gonna dance again…" — the chorus to Wham’s "Careless Whisper."
Next week, the remaining couples will dance either the Paso Doble or the Waltz. Here’s hoping that ABC shows more respect for whoever’s eliminated next week than they did for Shandi.
Just a quick note to let everyone know — in case you’ve missed the oodles of commercials and banner ads — that Season Three of Deadliest Catch returns tonight on the Discovery Channel. Unfortunately, its season premiere coincides with Dancing with the Stars. But not to worry; Deadliest Catch reruns are airing pretty much all the time.
If you’ve never seen the show, Discovery has assembled a Season Two "best of" special, which airs tonight at 7 EDT, and again at 8 EDT. Skip the dinnertime Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune (or wait an hour and skip American Idol), and learn to love the Hansen brothers, as I have.
This week’s routines weren’t as impressive as last week’s performances, and the judges were noticeably more critical in their comments. But, once again, the 7 and 8 paddles were given a thorough workout. Of the thirty paddles waved, twenty-six were either a 7 or an 8. No wonder the field is so tight!
Technical Knockouts
Apolo & Julianne
Another delightful, lively, entertaining performance. Apolo & Julianne definitely win the cutest couple award. Even their antics on the speedskating track made me chuckle. Their Jive routine had lots of fun, innovative moves and I found myself watching their entire dance with a grin on my face. Despite a few missteps and breaks in unison, I thoroughly enjoyed their performance.
However, I have to agree with Len that there was too much "messing about" on stage at the beginning of the routine. And even if this pair was channeling John Travolta and Uma Thurman from Pulp Fiction, Apolo’s hairdo almost made me miss his bandana from a couple of weeks ago. That being said, the chemistry between this energetic pair is almost tangible and I’m confident that they’ll continue to enchant and entertain us for several more weeks.
Cheryl & Ian
A bootylicious performance from the 90210 star. Cheryl & Ian’s behind-the-scenes footage was pure gold this week. I’m really beginning to enjoy these out-of-the-studio excursions (and tonight’s eye candy was exceptional!) Ian’s exposure to all that hip wiggling and booty shaking certainly paid off in spades. I thought this couple’s Jive was the best dance of the night: quick, fun, energetic, lots of kicks, bum-wiggling – a real pleasure to watch. I have no idea what happened in the last couple of bars of the song, when the camera panned away, so I’m just ignoring that brief gap in their performance. Ian is out to win this competition and he’s doing an admirable job. This pair will certainly move on to the next bout.
Joey & Kym
A triumphant "Return of the Joe-i." This couple’s Star Wars-themed Tango was a campy, charismatic and captivating routine. All of the required dance elements were present – the sharp turns, clipped movements, and flexed knees stance. The limited use of well-recognized props like lightsabers and Jedi robes added to the overall charm of their performance. I thought this pair did a great job and presented us with a solid, well-executed dance. Kym is really getting the opportunity to showcase her choreography this season and I think she’s doing a fantastic job. The force was certainly with this couple tonight and will easily propel them to the next round.
Heather & Jonathan
Another unbelievable performance from the incredible Heather Mills! I had really expected Heather to have problems with the Jive but her determination is amazing. This pair’s infectious routine, full of crisp movements and fun choreography, even made Carrie Ann want to jump up and dance. Once again, Heather outshone several of her competitors with two feet. She has great musicality and a natural exuberance that effortlessly charms both the judges and the audience. I am also becoming increasingly impressed with Jonathan — both as a choreographer and a dancer. He has done a fantastic job designing routines around Heather’s disability. This pair deserves to continue on in the competition. They are truly remarkable.
Split Decision
Laila & Maks
A surprising setback for the reigning couple. Apparently dancing rules are not just for the little people — even the King of the Dance and the Queen of the Ring have to follow them! Although this couple’s Tango was well received by the studio audience, the break in the middle was a serious rule violation. The judges verbally chastised and marked down Mario & Karina for the same violation last season. Surprisingly, Laila & Maks’s break was even longer than that of the Season 2 runners-up.
From a pure entertainment point of view, I loved this pair’s Tango. Their hold, passion and intensity were all first rate. Laila & Maks are fascinating to watch, and Laila looked beautiful and moved effortlessly on the dance floor. How lucky is she to have had a double dose of the Chmerkovskiy testosterone in her practice sessions! Despite their low marks, I think that this pair is strong enough to regain their throne, even though they may be a little battle weary.
Leeza & Tony
A stepped-up performance for the Tango Tramp. This couple’s Tango showed surprising improvement over previous weeks. Leeza seemed much more comfortable and fluid on the dance floor. She clearly had the head swiveling down pat and her unison with Tony was exceptional. Their routine may not have been as difficult as other competitors but its clean execution made up for its lack of complexity. I thought they did a fabulous job and I’m delighted to see Leeza more relaxed on the dance floor.
Since I complained about Apolo’s hair, I’m also going to mention that I really wasn’t into Leeza’s headgear – her hat was hideous! Despite Leeza’s much improved performance, I still don’t think this pair deserves to be ranked amongst the leaders of the pack. But they’re putting up a good fight and I hope they have enough voting support to stay in the competition.
Shandi & Brian
A noticeable improvement, but still no sparkle. Shandi’s Jive contained crisp, bouncy footwork with good unison between her and her partner. However, Shandi’s free arm flopped around — like laundry on a clothesline, according to Len — throughout the entire routine, spoiling the visual impact of their performance.
This pair still has a lot of ground to make up, particularly in the popularity department. Fortunately, this week’s behind-the-scenes clips showed a more subdued couple whose focus was firmly directed on perfecting their dance steps, rather than on each other. This new attitude, combined with their improved dancing, will likely win them some points with viewers. It might be just enough to allow them to squeak through another elimination round.
On the Ropes
Clyde & Elena
A disappointing effort from this light-footed goliath. Clyde’s Jive fluctuated between lukewarm and cold. The routine included sections where the footwork was lively, quick and totally in unison, and sections where Clyde either lost his focus or just missed the beat. Technical errors included failure to point his toes, dangling arms and lack of precision. Clyde still does not own the dance floor. His constrained movements give him the appearance of being stiff and uncomfortable. I agreed with Len that this week’s performance represented a step backwards for this NBA Hall-of-Famer. I question whether Clyde’s fan base will be enough to ensure that he has another opportunity to redeem himself. Maybe thinking about dancing as an art rather than a procedure would help!
John and Edyta
A less than stellar performance from this season’s senior celebrity. John seemed to have lost his "machismo" attitude somewhere between the movie theatre and the dance studio. This pair’s routine lacked the clipped, staccato movements that characterize the Tango. John’s head swivels were out of synch with his partner’s and didn’t conform to the Tango’s distinctive quick, sharp turns. If there was any intensity or passion in their performance I must have totally missed it. Unlike Len and Bruno, I did not think that John sold the character of this piece. In fact, I thought the judges were overly generous with their scores, given this routine’s technical and dramatic shortcomings. But John remains a positive and personable competitor, and I imagine he will ride out this backslide and reappear in next week’s lineup.
Billy Ray & Karina
A barely average performance from Hanna Montana’s dad. Despite the judges’ enthusiastic praise, I remain unimpressed by Billy Ray’s dancing. He may have been connecting with his inner cowboy, but he left his sense of rhythm and good posture in the saddle. Billy Ray continues to look uncomfortable and sluggish on the dance floor. While he has moments of clarity, overall his routines are peppered with missed footwork, broken frames, and poor synchronization.
It is apparent that he is making an effort to improve but I just don’t think he has the genetic make-up to be a dancer. He reminds me a little of Harry Hamlin from Season 3. The will may be there, but the goods are missing. I certainly thought that the judges’ scoring of this pair was seriously overstated. I would not be disappointed if he moseyed off into the sunset on Tuesday’s elimination show.
Agree? Disagree? Let us know what you thought of the dancers (and the judges’ scores) this week!
Heather Mills continued to impress the judges during the third week of Dancing with the Stars 4. But her performance was overshadowed by Leeza Gibbons’ new tattoo and a rule-breaking controversy by a formerly front-running couple.
Shandi Finnessey & Brian Fortuna — Jive Song: Elton John, "Crocodile Rock"
Shandi took sole responsibility for their stint in the Bottom Two, and she vowed to do exactly what Brian told her to from now on. "I don’t want to be the reason why we leave," said Shandi.
Wearing a pretty blue dress with lots of fringe, Shandi did a good job executing the routine. But in her effort to remember the steps, she forgot about the finishing details. Her arms were all over the place. She’s so close, but then again, I’ve thought that after all of her dances.
Len voiced his concern about Shandi’s arms: "Your free arm…was a little bit like a bit of washing floating about in the breeze." Bruno called Shandi a "bouncing, bubbling babe," but warned her to "watch the precision." Carrie Ann said, "This week, I was a little more impressed. What you have to work on is strength. You’ll get a little more grounded."
John Ratzenberger & Edyta Sliwinska — Tango Song: Astor Piazzolla, "Libertango"
Edyta told John that the Tango is "like a cat trying to go after the prey." To inspire John, she showed him footage of silent film actor Rudolph Valentino, who was known for his Tango. After this week’s performance, Edyta promised her partner would be nicknamed "Tango Legs" Ratzenberger.
I don’t know if Edyta accomplished her goal, since I hardly noticed much about John’s dancing. He took the dance so seriously that Edyta completely stole the show. It wasn’t bad, just not memorable…until I spotted Lorenzo Lamas in the audience. Renegade!
Len was concerned about John’s technique: "This hold is the only constant in ballroom dancing. It shouldn’t move, and it was flaying about a little bit." In regard to his hold, Carrie told John, "I’m gonna cut you a little slack. I actually thought you could’ve done a little more with your theatrics." Bruno said, "I thought the character was spot on."
Clyde Drexler & Elena Grinenko — Jive Song: Creedence Clearwater Revival, "Bad Moon Rising"
Clyde’s mom, Eunice, is a zydeco dancer, she came to practice give them pointers. "Elena is really good. She’s a great dancer," Eunice said. "And Clyde…Clyde is coming along."
The Jive exposed all of the problems Clyde’s height presents. His footwork wasn’t crisp or fast, and his upper half was stiff. It even looked as if he’d forgotten some of his moves. It was a nice attempt, but not a great performance.
After first calling Clyde "endearing," Carrie Ann told him, "I still feel like you’re only giving us 25%." Bruno said, "It was like a Jive through a dense fog: a bit fuzzy, and blurred at the edges." Len was also disappointed: "This week, you’ve done a U-turn, Clyde. It was a great effort, and I love you, but I’m afraid, as a dancer, it didn’t happen."
Dr. Drexler’s clinical assessment of his own performance: "We performed a seamless procedure."
Laila Ali & Maksim Chmerkovskiy — Tango Song: Shirley Bassey, "Goldfinger"
Laila’s schedule was very busy, and Maks traveled with her to New York. His brother, Valentin, stopped by practice to help. Laila greeted Valentin — or "Valentine," as she called him — by saying, "You look a lot better than your brother."
Wearing a black, sequined, halter-topped jumpsuit, Laila looked every bit the classic Bond Girl. And Maks was stunning, with his slick hair and tuxedo. About halfway through the routine, they broke from the Tango hold — a fact that didn’t register as important at the time, but that the judges would bring up in their comments. All I remember is that the performance gave me goosebumps.
Bruno pointed out the problem with their performance: "This long break in the middle…you have to keep contact in the Tango. (Looks at Maks) You should know." As the audience booed, Tom pointed out, "That’s the part that the audience enjoyed most." "Well, they got it wrong," Bruno retorted. Len agreed: "Bruno is completely correct." Carrie agreed, but added, "Beyond that, you are still the most fabulous girl out there."
In his three seasons with DwtS, Maks must have earned himself a reputation as a guy who won’t hold back when he’s upset. Tom light-heartedly but quickly ushered the couple backstage without letting them respond to the judges. Samantha directed her questions at Laila, saying, "I don’t want Maks to talk because he’s probably gonna go off," earning a round of laughs from the dancers waiting backstage. Maks was not amused.
Apolo Anton Ohno & Julianne Hough — Jive Song: Chuck Berry, "You Never Can Tell"
As payback for Julianne’s shouted commands during practice, Apolo took Julianne to the ice rink to teach her speedskating. He especially enjoyed screaming at her: "Lean, lean, lean, lean! Where are your arms?"
Since their song was featured in Pulp Fiction, Apolo and Julianne dressed as (smaller) versions of John Travolta and Uma Thurman, starting their dance with a recreation of the dance scene from the movie. It would’ve been more refreshing had they avoided referencing the film. Apolo had no problem with his footwork, and the routine was fun and well-executed, as all of theirs have been.
Carrie Ann said, "You guys have great energy. But tonight, it was a little sloppy." Bruno saved his strangest comments of the evening for Apolo: "I thought I was seeing John Travolta’s Mini Me. You are so much fun, you should be a ride in Disneyland." Len groused, "What I don’t like is all that messin’ about on stage, doing the twist. It really gets on my nerves." Judges’ Scores: Carrie Ann…7, Len…8, Bruno…8 = 23/30
(It was at this point in the show that my father-in-law called to ask if my husband was watching dancing or the NCAA basketball championship. I asked if he was questioning my husband’s masculinity, and he said, "Yes!")
Joey Fatone & Kym Johnson — Tango Song: John Williams (and Harold Wheeler), "Star Wars"
In honor of their song, Joey brought R2-D2 into rehearsal — and the robot hit on Kym. "Yes there’s a few gimmicks," admitted Kym, "but Joey’s doing a technically brilliant Tango that the judges will be very impressed by."
The routine began with Joey in a Jedi robe wielding a lightsaber. Kym had on a marvelous version of the metal bikini Princess Leia wore on Jabba the Hutt’s pleasure barge in Return of the Jedi. The song even featured R2-D2 sound effects. They ended the dance in the same pose as featured on the poster for the original movie. And I was almost too distracted to notice the quality of their dancing.
Len said, "It was good. The only bit of advice: your bum sticks out a bit." Carrie described the performance as "well-rehearsed, tight, solid, entertaining." Bruno said, "Great Obi-Wan, the force is still with you. Watch your posture." Yep, that’s what killed the original Obi-Wan.
(Before introducing the next couple, Tom said, "By the way, to those of you who feel left out…" He then flashed the Vulcan hand salute for "Live long and prosper." This is really turning out to be my kind of show.)
Ian Ziering & Cheryl Burke — Jive Song: Elvis Presley, "Hard Headed Woman"
To show Ian how to loosen up his hips, Cheryl took him to see a male stripper revue. After getting over his embarrassment, Ian got greased up and took the stage to show off some of his own butt shaking.
Ian has the best legs of any of the guys, and he gave a great performance with lots of hip action. Unfortunately, he messed up one of the moves at the end, but the producers cut to a different camera and the audience didn’t get to see it. I’m guessing Ian mouthed some four-letter words, and ABC cut away to avoid angry viewers or an FCC fine.
Bruno told Ian, "You are turning into a hot rod." Len said, "I was looking at you and I thought, This is a 9. But right at the end, you messed up." Carrie Ann agreed with Len but said, "The Jive is your dance."
Leeza Gibbons & Tony Dovolani — Tango Song: Billy Fury, "Jealousy"
"With two performances under my belt, I beginning to feel less like an impostor," said Leeza.
Tony’s new facial hair made him look like evil Star Trek Tony. This was Leeza’s best performance so far. She looked confident throughout their solid Tango.
After Leeza walked over to the judges table, the producers got another scare. They had to cut away as Leeza slowly pulled her top down. They came back as she showed Bruno a fake tattoo that read "Tramp" above her left breast. Tony laughed loudly when Tom said, "And somewhere, Janet Jackson is going, ‘And they gave me a hard time’."
Carrie Ann said, "I totally believed you in the character. It was basic but fantastic." Len nicknamed her "Leeza the Eyeball Pleaser." And Bruno approved of the tattoo: "A touch of the Lady of the Night never hurt."
Heather Mills & Jonathan Roberts — Jive Song: Marvin Gaye, "Can I Get A Witness"
For the Jive, Heather needed to get a bouncier prosthesis. She also had to wear tennis shoes for her performance because "you can’t get a bouncy foot in heels."
Heather started the routine by leaping off of the stage, and she followed it up with a front walkover. When not trying to show off just how athletic Heather can be, Jonathan cleverly finds ways to support her without making it look obvious. They managed to stay in contact during nearly all of the routine’s kicks and flicks. The only trouble was with Heather’s upper half, as she shrugged her shoulders strangely at times.
Bruno renamed her "The Incredible Heather Mills. You did a fantastic job; how can I knock this?" Carrie Ann said, "You make me wanna dance." Len was also complimentary: "You’ve got such great musicality in your dancing. Well done to you both."
Billy Ray Cyrus & Karina Smirnoff — Tango Song: The Clash, "Rock The Casbah"
On his training this week, Billy Ray said, "I love to dance the Tango, and if I could do it, I’d love it even more."
Billy Ray is still counting his steps out loud; it would be less distracting if he just sang along with the song and relied on lyrical cues to help him remember his place. His posture needs some work, but Billy Ray is slowly coming along.
Carrie said, "That took…can I say ‘balls’? You are still the most improved from week one." Len gave Billy Ray credit: "You look as though you’re really trying to do it, even if it doesn’t come off." Bruno told Billy Ray: "You are like a Bingo caller sometimes, counting."
When Samantha asked Billy Ray how he’s going to handle learning eight more dances, Karina covered her hands and pretended to cry. At least I think she was pretending.
Tim didn’t know it, but the minute this week’s Apprentice started, he was already dead. And it was all thanks to his girlfriend, Nicole.
As she was exiting the Boardroom after Angela’s firing, Nicole asked Trump to give Tim the option of joining her on team Kinetic. She was curious to see which team Tim would choose.
James, who’d been sitting in on the Boardroom as the winning Project Manager, was curious, too. As soon as he returned to the mansion, he gathered the members of team Arrow for a discussion about loyalty.
Instead of playing it smart and telling his teammates that he was loyal to them first (whether it was true or not), Tim foolishly tried to be honest. He said he would work hard for Arrow, but couldn’t turn off his feelings for Nicole.
Of course, all that Frank, James, and Stephani heard was "Nicole." In the event that they failed in the next task, they would have no problem blaming the loss entirely on Tim, regardless of whether the loss was his fault or not.
Arrow gave Tim plenty of opportunities to fail. They gave him sole creative responsibility for designing a mouthwash ad that would appear as a circular in the Sunday L.A. Times, and then stepped aside to let the whole project fall apart.
In their defense, Stefani and Frank did go to Pink’s Hot Dogs to recruit average folks to model for their ad; I’m not sure what James did besides "lead." But Frank’s attempt at directing the photo shoot was so bad that Tim had to step in and provide his own, mostly-useless attempt at directing.
Only after the photographers and models had left did Frank voice his objections to the ad’s concept. When his teammates didn’t automatically say, "You’re right, Frank. Let’s start over from the beginning," he childishly sulked.
Ultimately, the crappy, folded-piece-of-paper-looking ad featured a bunch of people in their pajamas covering their mouths and looking sleepy — instead of looking like they had bad breath. There was a free-floating insert which contained a bunch of scientific facts about bad breath, but no connection to the sleepy people in the main ad.
It’s a wonder that none of them noticed how amatuerish the ad looked as it was being designed. I’m assuming that the graphic designer working with the team only did what he was told, without offering any input. (I can imagine Frank destroying a designer’s soul by making creative suggestions: "We should use Comic Sans. It just looks so FUN!")
Appropriately, Arrow got their asses kicked by the babes of Kinetic, who featured sultry pics of themselves in an ad shaped like a couple bottles of mouthwash. For their reward, they were visited by Nicole’s mom, Heidi’s mom, and Kristine’s chef husband, who cooked them dinner.
In the Boardroom, everyone ganged up on Tim, blaming their loss on the distraction caused by his relationship with Nicole. So that’s it! Stefani, James, and Frank couldn’t come up with any ad ideas of their own because they were so busy thinking about Tim and Nicole. That explains why their ad looked like garbage.
Tim was doomed anyway because of Trump’s goofy ideas about loyalty — which are all the more hilarious in the context of a game where it’s also considered appropriate to do whatever it takes to get yourself to the top. But Tim didn’t go out without a fight.
Tim targeted Frank’s arguably more distracting last-minute indecision as the real source of the team’s problems. Then he called Frank out for being what he is — an errand boy. Frank hasn’t been a leader, and he’s not an "idea guy," so his role has been to carry out the tasks he’s assigned.
When Frank went schoolyard-bully on Stefani and James and demanded that they defend him (the same dumb move that got Muna fired), the best James could offer was something like, "Frank is an errand boy, but he’s a really good errand boy."
Tim was fired, but at least he gave Trump a new target on the way out. Time to "step up" and "give it 110%," Frankie.
Next week, Trump doesn’t just fire someone; he FIRES someone.
This week’s episode began with teams heading from Zanzibar, Tanzania, to Warsaw, Poland. Because of the scarcity of flights out of Zanzibar, all of the teams were given tickets that would get them to Warsaw by 11:25 the following morning. However, teams were free to try finding better flights.
The four lead teams started jockeying for the best flights when the local travel agencies opened at 8:30 a.m. The two trailing teams, Eric & Danielle and the Guidos, wouldn’t be starting the leg until late in the day, leaving them stuck on the prearranged flight.
Good manners when dealing with travel agents — as well as prompt connecting flights — got Beauty Queens Dustin & Kandice into Warsaw at 9:07 a.m. Charla & Mirna and Ozzy & Danny arrived within 30 minutes of the first flight, and Uchenna & Joyce — who were originally on the Beauty Queens flight, but missed a connection — arrived shortly thereafter.
The 11:25 a.m. flight would’ve gotten the Guidos, Joe & Bill, back in the race after finishing the last leg nearly 15 hours behind the lead team. Unfortunately, both the Guidos and Eric & Danielle missed their connection and didn’t arrive in Poland until late in the evening, over twelve hours after the other teams.
The Beauty Queens were first to the Detour, and they made it look easy. Given the choice of tuning one key on a piano (in honor of Warsaw’s Fryderyk Chopin) or X-raying a mannequin to find a hidden clue (in honor of Marie Curie), the Queens elected to take advantage of Dustin’s years of piano lessons and tune the piano.
After watching a demonstration, they quickly figured out how to properly tighten the strings and received their next clue. They took a cab to the statue of Jan III Sobieski, the great, great, great, great uncle of actress Leelee Sobieski (really) — although that’s not why they made a statue of him.
From there they ran to the Pit Stop, where Phil Keoghan told them they’d arrived in first place. They won a trip to Puerto Rico, with free, unlimited access to their hotel’s spa. The word "spa" triggered a reflex response, and the girls started hopping and shrieking uncontrollably.
Charla & Mirna didn’t have nearly as enjoyable an experience as the Queens did. No one on the street would give them directions, and Mirna pouted, "It’s like we’re the plague or something."
When they arrived at the piano tuning Detour, they succeeded in only making their piano more out of tune. After Ozzy & Danny figured out the secret to piano tuning — breaking two strings in the process — and left for the Pit Stop, Charla & Mirna finally gave up and went to the X-ray Detour.
The cousins eventually found the clue hidden inside the mannequin, but by the time they checked in at the Pit Stop, Uchenna & Joyce had already tuned the piano and beaten them there.
At 10:54 p.m., the Beauty Queens were ready to leave the Pit Stop and start the next leg. To give you an idea just how far ahead they were, Eric & Danielle would not even arrive at the Pit Stop until 1:50 a.m. — nearly 3 hours after Dustin & Kandice had already left.
The Guidos checked in at 3:32 a.m. but were not eliminated. Instead, they were "marked for elimination" and needed to finish in first place or face a 30 minute penalty. Being almost 16 hours behind the lead team, a first place finish was all but impossible.
The Beauty Queens’ impressive lead was all but abolished when they had to wait for one of two charter buses to take them to Auschwitz. They boarded the bus at 1 p.m. with Ozzy & Danny and Uchenna & Joyce. The second bus left at 5 p.m.
All of the teams were affected by their visit to the notorious concentration camp, but none more so than Ozzy & Danny and Joe & Bill. When thinking about the Nazi persecution of homosexuals, Bill cried as he said, "Joe and I were born in a time where we can be ourselves. There were people like Joe and me who weren’t allowed to express themselves as we are now."
Teams then traveled by taxi into Krakow, where they were confronted by an Intersection. This meant teams were forced to pair up to complete the next task, and because the Beauty Queens were the third team to the clue box, they had to wait for hours for the next charter bus to arrive.
Meanwhile, the two lead teams, Ozzy & Danny and Uchenna & Joyce, paired up to complete a Fast Forward. After correctly counting the steps inside two towers, they were able to skip all tasks and proceed to the Pit Stop. Both teams jumped on the mat at the same time to finish in first place, but Ozzy & Danny let Uchenna & Joyce have the prize: a trip for two to St. Lucia.
Ozzy vowed, "But we won’t be giving away $1 million."
As the producers’ luck would have it, the Intersection forced the teams that despised each other the most to pair up together. The Beauty Queens and Charla & Mirna were the first to team up, and they had a choice of Detours: eat eight feet of kielbasa (two feet per person), or correctly make 20 bagels in the traditional style as a team.
Despite Mirna’s reluctance, the all-girl squad decided to go for the sausage. Imagine every sausage-related double entendre you can think of, and rest assured that every last one was uttered during the Detour.
When Mirna asked to pray before they ate, Dustin lead them in an earnest, respectful plea: "Hey, Lord, help us to be able to get this sausage down. Help it to taste GREAT. In your name we pray. Amen."
Food challenges are always risky because you are only as fast as your slowest member. Dustin & Kandice didn’t seem to mind all that much since they had Mirna’s belching, Charla’s puking, and the cousins’ ceaseless bickering to entertain them.
After failing to find the bagel bakery, the Guidos and Eric & Danielle showed up to eat kielbasa, and quickly proved the more adept pair of teams when it came to downing sausage. They got their clue, while Charla was finishing her final bites.
Thanks to some careful clue reading, the girls realized that they needed to drive themselves to their next destination — a castle in the town of Skala — and ran straight to the parking lot. The Guidos and Eric & Danielle wasted time talking to cab drivers before realizing their mistake.
Mirna’s in-race driving troubles are legendary, and this night was no different. First she couldn’t release the parking brake. Then she accidentally asked two taxi drivers at once to lead her to the castle.
When the drivers realized they were both doing the same job, they pulled over to talk to Mirna. They demanded $100, and started to walk back to their cabs.
Overwhelmed by a stomach full of sausage and the prospect of being lost in Poland at 2 a.m., Mirna started to cry. One of the cabbies took pity on her and agreed to help for $50. He even lead her to the castle via a shortcut, and they arrived in second, behind the Beauty Queens.
A short Roadblock waited for the teams at the castle. One team member needed to don a suit of armor and lead a horse down a half-mile path to the castle gates. Dustin dressed in her knightly gear and was off.
Charla, who was logy from the pounds of kielbasa she’d eaten, was determined to prove to Mirna that she was an asset to the team. So she donned her own diminutive suit of armor and attempted to lead the gigantic horse. It led her in circles a few times, but Charla only fell flat on her face twice.
The Beauty Queens finished in third place overall, followed by Charla & Mirna. Joe & Bill reached the Pit Stop minutes ahead of Eric & Danielle, but because of the 30-minute penalty, the Guidos were eliminated.
Next week, Charla & Mirna start a feud with one of the only teams they haven’t irritated thus far: Eric & Danielle. And Ozzy & Danny take their frustrations out on each other.
The early departure of Paulina & Alec was a real shock. I’d pegged them to last at least several more weeks. Their elimination — and some unexpected gymnastics by Heather Mills — caused a bit of an upheaval in the Power Rankings.
10. Shandi Finnessey & Brian Fortuna
Standing alongside Paulina & Alec in the Bottom Two gave Shandi & Brian more than enough reason to be nervous. To paraphrase Carrie Ann Inaba, there’s been nothing special about the couple’s performances. They’ll be dancing the energetic Jive next week, which should give them plenty of opportunities to work in some show-stopping moves.
9. Leeza Gibbons & Tony Dovolani
Leeza got a pass this week because it was her birthday. As nice as she seems, she just doesn’t have the dancing chops to warrant a long-term spot in the lineup.
8. Billy Ray Cyrus & Karina Smirnoff
Billy Ray made some real improvements after his disastrous Cha Cha Cha, but I’m not sure that his ceiling’s as high as those of his competitors. If he can’t do something absolutely dazzling in the next few weeks, then I doubt he’s ever going to be able to.
7. Clyde Drexler & Elena Grinenko
Like Billy Ray, Clyde showed some real improvement with his Quickstep. But also like Billy Ray, Clyde’s best dancing probably won’t be as good as Apolo’s, Joey’s, or Ian’s best dancing. Not that there’s any shame in that.
6. John Ratzenberger & Edyta Sliwinska
Fans seem to like John, and Edyta definitely knows how to choreograph for the older gentlemen. But, like the two guys who precede him on this list (Drexler and Cyrus), there may be limits to what he can do. If he lasts past the top six, it will likely be at the expense of a more talented dancer.
5. Heather Mills & Jonathan Roberts
Heather’s marvelous back walkover totally upset the applecart. She’s dancing to win, and showing she’s capable of doing it. Her limitations may become more apparent as her competitors continue to improve, but that won’t happen for several more weeks.
4. Apolo Anton Ohno & Julianne Hough
They’re so cute and nice that I really want Anton & Julianne to do well. I don’t know if they’re good enough to win it all, but they’ve got plenty of time to prove me wrong. Bonus points to Apolo for ditching the headbandana this week; too bad his soul patch looks like a fixture.
3. Ian Ziering & Cheryl Burke
At the end of this week’s Performance Show, there was a contained fury in Cheryl’s eyes as she and her partner were announced as "middle of the pack" competitors. That should scare the sequins off of the other couples. Cheryl’s going to take advantage of Ian’s work ethic and do whatever it takes to get them to the top of the leaderboard.
2. Joey Fatone & Kym Johnson
Joey & Kym have been fun to watch during their first two performances. We’ll see if he has the range to pull-off the more serious dances, like the Tango and Paso Doble, but Joey’s the man to beat for the moment.
1. Laila Ali & Maksim Chmerkovskiy
Laila has been the most pleasant surprise of the season thus far. She’s feminine and graceful, and boy can she move. As Canadian 80s icons Loverboy once said, "Everyone’s watchin’ to see what you will do." And I predict everyone will be keepin’ their eyes on Laila until the finale. I also predict that someone will have to dance to a crappy Loverboy song at some point between now and then. (Sadly, that prediction is probably a safer bet than any of my preseason guesses.)
When both of the castaways targeted for elimination are pretty much despicable, it’s going to be a happy ending for Survivor viewers, no matter who goes home.
The day after their first victory with the new Moto tribe, Earl and Yau-Man enacted a plan to find the hidden Immunity Idol. While Earl led everyone on a mission to rescue Moto’s stranded boat, Yau-Man stayed behind to tend camp. As soon as everyone was out of sight, Yau-Man started digging.
Thanks to the pick and shovel Moto happened to have at camp, Yau-Man quickly unearthed the Idol. He celebrated for a bit, smooching the protective turtle pendant (it looked like Soap-on-a-Rope with an exoskeleton), before hiding the evidence of his excavation.
His tribemates didn’t suspect anything after they returned to camp, and Yau-Man made up an excuse to get Earl away from the rest of the group. He showed Earl the Idol, and the two agreed to continue protecting one another. "I would have never thought a big, strong black man would become one of my best allies in this game," mused the wee, Asian Yau-Man.
Later that day, the teams met for a Reward Challenge, Ravu’s first with new tribemember Lisi — not that they were happy to have her. Last episode, when sent to exile island, Lisi nearly broke down, and started babbling about how she was excited to go home. Now that she was on Ravu (replacing Anthony, who’d been voted out), the other guys were counting the days until they could get rid of her.
At the challenge Survivors faced off one at a time in a game of giant, fiery jai alai. Each team had to light three targets on fire by flinging a flaming metal sphere.
In an effort to impress his teammates — if his teammates were all 10-year-old boys — Mookie mocked Yau-Man’s shaky throwing technique. Fittingly, Yau-Man hit the target with his first fling.
Unfortunately for Moto, Yau-Man was the only one to hit a target. Ravu won its first challenge ever and earned a trip to a Fijian arcade parlor. They also sent Earl for his third trip to Exile Island — or as he renamed it, Earl Island.
At the arcade, the men of Ravu (the biologically male members and Lisi) gorged on hot dogs, brownies, and beer, and then played pool and video golf. When the gang complained about overeating and feeling sick, Rocky complained even more loudly about their complaining. I’m sure he was just trying to be helpful.
Meanwhile, Yau-Man waited for his fellow Motites to take their afternoon siestas before enacting an absolutely brilliant plan. He sanded and decorated an empty coconut shell, wrapped it up in the Immunity Idol’s original packaging, and buried it exactly where he’d found the real idol. If someone finds and actually tries to use the fake Immunity Idol at Tribal Council, it will have to go down as one of the best moments in Survivor history.
Earl rejoined his team at the Immunity Challenge, which was another resurrected classic. One tribe member stood on a raised platform shouting instructions to his or her blindfolded teammates.
One at a time, a blindfolded tribe member walked across a field, following the verbal commands of his caller to where a skull hung above his head. He then swung a club, pinata-style, to break the skull, dropping a bundle of puzzle pieces to the ground. He dropped the pieces on a puzzle table at the far end of the field before heading back. After all the pieces had been found, the team removed their blindfolds and worked together to solve a word scramble.
Moto got a slight lead thanks to Michelle’s accurate directions. It’s just a shame that her blindfolded teammates never saw Michelle, in her enthusiasm, actually fall off of the platform while shouting at Yau-Man to "go forward!" (They probably saw it for the first time on TV, like the rest of us.)
Alex’s slightly less specific instructions had even more painful results, but not for Alex. At least twice, Mookie took a bamboo pole to the gut because Alex didn’t tell him to stop quickly enough.
Moto’s slight lead and superior brain power enabled them to solve the puzzle first, forcing Ravu back to Tribal Council again.
Rocky and Mookie were in agreement that Lisi should go because she’s a chick, and chicks are wimps and they talk too much. Okay, they might not have said that out loud, but you know that’s what they were thinking.
Edgardo finally realized what the viewing audience learned long ago, and shared his discovery with Alex: "Rocky just has this bad vibe about him, and I think one of the reason’s Ravu didn’t ever win is his attitude about stuff." Too bad none of the original Ravu-ites realized that in time to save Jessica, Erica, Sylvia, Rita, or Anthony.
At Tribal Council, Rocky was pretty confident, since the one girl on the team was the obvious boot. He didn’t notice that Lisi — who’s just as socially and intellectually savvy as Rocky — was acting a little over-confident herself.
Turns out Lisi had Alex, Edgardo, and Dreamz on her side. Well, not really on her side. She just happened to be slightly more bearable than Rocky. He became the first member of the jury.
Rocky’s exit interview was, well, not surprising. First, he screamed at the top of his lungs. Then he vowed to use his jury power to single-handedly prevent Lisi, Alex, Edgardo, or Dreamz from winning the million dollars, should they make it to the finale. I’m sure none of the producers had the heart to explain to him that he only gets one vote.
Next week, the Ravu guys take advantage of the fact that Lisi was foolish enough to tell them the (other) hidden Immunity Idol’s whereabouts. As Lisi and Dreamz sleep mere feet away, Alex, Edgardo, and Mookie dig for the idol.
Robert Forster, Career Counselor Reality Blurred linked to a Jam! Showbiz interview with Survivor host Jeff Probst, in which he revealed the best piece of career advice he ever received. It came from actor Robert Forster, who’s best known for his career-resurrecting role in Jackie Brown. The advice? "Don’t you ever walk away from the show."
It’s why Probst stays with Survivor, even when Producer Mark Burnett does stuff that Probst hates — including this season’s rich tribe / poor tribe gimmick.
SOS: Save Our Sleuth Pop Candy posted a reminder to vote in Kristin Veitch’s Save One Show campaign. The TV shows in the race — and therefore in danger of being cancelled — are Veronica Mars, The Class, Studio 60, How I Met Your Mother and Gilmore Girls.
My vote goes to Veronica Mars, which has managed to maintain high standards for its writing despite misguided network interference. The VM Season 1 DVD is the perfect entertainment on a rainy spring day.
Heche Ho, Let’s Go!
In an odd move, ABC is reportedly bringing back a show next season that it’s stopped showing this season. Men in Trees has several unaired episodes already filmed and ready to go. But ABC has apparently decided to integrate those shows into next season, after the show returns in the fall.
DwtS Video Updates
As videos of this week’s Dancing with the Stars performances find their way to the web, I’ve added them to our recaps. The Week 2 Performance Show recap has videos of Apolo & Julianne, Shandi & Brian, Ian & Cheryl, Billy Ray & Karina, Laila & Maks, and Joey & Kym. And for all the mothers-in-law out there, including mine, the Week 2 Results Show recap has video of both performances by Dionne Warwick.
Monday night’s surprisingly good performances were followed by an equally surprising elimination on Tuesday.
The first Results Show of the season got off to an ordinary enough start. Samantha Harris looked lovely in purple and wore her hair down, after sporting a shoulder length ‘do at the Performance Show. The shorter hair style was very flattering, and I hope it’s not a fluke.
But enough with the girly stuff. Laila & Maks were awarded the season’s first encore because their Mambo "took the biscuit." (Len’s words, not mine.)
After the performance, two of the couples moving on to next week were announced. Heather & Jonathan and Clyde & Elena all survived, thanks to their fans. Clyde promised to show more personality and creativity in his next performance.
(As an aside, I hope that, before the next show, someone tells Clyde that he doesn’t need to try to grab the microphone away from Samantha during interviews. Her evening gowns won’t look as flattering if her arm is in a sling.)
Then it was time for another performance, this time by the legendary Dionne Warwick. She sang her hit "I Say a Little Prayer," with the dance accommpaniment of Cheryl Burke, Jonathan Roberts, Anna Trebunskaya (Jonathan’s wife and Jerry Rice’s partner in Season 2), and Pasha Barsuk (Anna’s professional partner). The performance was a great reminder of just how talented Anna is.
After last night’s Performance Show, show producers had filmed some audience members’ comments. Since celebrities are the only people who matter, I’m only including the celebrity comments. Brian Austin Green was impressed by Laila, and Sela Ward gave Billy Ray a "Woo!" The ever diplomatic Chuck Woolery couldn’t — or wouldn’t — say who he thought would be first to go.
Robbie Williams, whom I love, was a little more forthcoming: "There were some lazy feet. I noticed some lazy feet. I’m not gonna say who. It wouldn’t be fair… Leeza Gibbons."
Another two couples were then announce as safe from elimination: Ian & Cheryl and Laila & Maks. When asked to describe what it was like to stand under the lights and await his fate for the first time, Ian said, "It’s a lot of pressure, but pressure makes diamonds."
In preparation for next week’s dances — the Jive and Tango — two demonstration dances were performed. First, the DwtS pros (minus Cheryl, Julianne, and Jonathan) danced a Jive, choreographed by Tony and Maks, to Queen’s "Don’t Stop Me Now." The dancers went into the audience, including the balconies, for a little direct interaction with the fans, before posing in front of the judges’ table to end the routine. To ensure a little future goodwill, Maks smooched Carrie Ann on the cheek.
The Jive demo was followed by a Tango lesson… from Jimmy Kimmel. Considering that his dance partner was his parking lot attendant, Guillermo, you can imagine how helpful the instruction was.
Finally, it was time to announce the first couple in the Bottom Two. Surprisingly, it was Paulina & Alec, who’d been positioned directly in the middle of the Leaderboard.
What better way to recover from the shock than another performance by Dionne Warwick. Her remix of "Do You Know the Way to San Jose?" was accompanied by two sexy dancing girls — Yessenia Adame and Claudia Velasco — who could’ve passed for twins. It felt like some raunchy scene in a B-movie, and I was half expecting the girls to kiss.
In a pretaped segment, the celebrities talked about some of the surprising things they’ve encountered during their participation in the show. Heather said she feels like a "drag queen" when she’s made up for show day. Related to that, Ian said Cheryl wears so much glitter that she’s "slippery."
But it’s certainly a good workout. Shandi said, "You could bathe in bacon and you would never gain an ounce." That explains how she stays so thin. She doesn’t eat food, she bathes in it.
To help prepare this season’s couples deal with the pain of being ousted, the first couples eliminated from the previous seasons offered their thoughts. Unfortunately, Trista Sutter, Kenny Mayne, and Tucker Carlson weren’t helpful, since all of them are still a little ticked about it. Kenny summed things up for all of them: "Damnit. Why’d they kick me off?"
Paulina & Alec were then told who’d be joining them in the Bottom Two: Shandi & Brian.
It was at this critical point in the show that someone at ABC’s Chicago affiliate decided to take a coffee break. Just as the show was scheduled to come back from commercial, the screen went dead for well over a minute.
When the show’s feed finally returned, the first eliminated celeb had already been announced. It was Paulina, who was in the middle of telling Tom about how bummed she was to leave.
"I guess my family was my fanbase," she said, "and it just wasn’t extensive enough."
The first humorously cruel outro song of the season was "One More Night," by Phil Collins.
I’m still reeling from the shock, as I was all but certain that Shandi & Brian would be eliminated. And there were several other couples that I thought were in more danger than Paulina & Alec. Hopefully, Alec will continue to participate in the professional demonstration dances, because it’s a shame to see his return to the show cut so short.
My Ox Is Broken 