Surya’s days were numbered the moment he joined the dysfunctional Arrow Corporation. He finally had to pay the price on The Apprentice: L.A., when his team’s luck ran out and his lack of leadership skills was exposed.

Teams had to design a halftime show to promote GNC. The show was then performed at an L.A. Galaxy soccer game.

Kristy
of Kinetic Corp. had experience planning this kind of event, and she
went with the classic on-field race of the oversized mascots. It works
every time. Need proof? Watch these sausages:

Kinetic
ran several giant vitamins around obstacles like Osteoporosis and Heart
Disease, while Angela narrated the race in an incomprehensible,
screeching voice. To cater to the Spanish speakers in the crowd, Muna
narrated some of the race in that language, as well.

So far,
Muna’s only positive contribution to her team seems to be her
Spanish-speaking skills. She spent the rest of this task micromanaging
and questioning the abilities of the professional prop builders and
trying to undermine Kristy’s authority.

Still, Kinetic was in
much better shape than Arrow. Tim had the dumb idea of staging a mock
boxing match between Average Joe (played by Tim, of course) vs. Life
(symbolized by four guys dressed like high school goths). Only after
some assistance from GNC Vitamin Guy (played by James in a costume that
looked like a big tube of lipstick) could Average Joe beat life’s
problems.

Not only was the story lame, but it relied heavily on
narration — not exactly the kind of spectacle that plays well in front
of tens of thousands of fans. Frank’s voice was fine for the
announcing, but the story went on and on.

Only after buying
their props and writing their script did James mention that perhaps the
team’s idea wasn’t a good one. Since it was too late to change course,
the complaint was little more than James pre-planning his own defense
when they wound up in the Boardroom.

And wind up in the Boardroom they did. However, according to a fan who attended the Galaxy game, Kinetic didn’t win by as big of a margin as producers would have you believe.

In
the Boardroom, Surya blamed the loss on Tim’s stupid idea and James’s
complaining. Surya railed against James for his “disloyalty” — an
argument that seemed pretty flimsy when Surya followed it up by saying
he wished that he’d never left Kinetic, as they were the superior team.

Tim
displayed some surprising honesty, once he realized that he was in no
danger of being fired. When James attacked Surya for going with the
first concept suggested, Tim backed up Surya (instead of his buddy,
James) and said that the PM had actually asked several times for more
ideas.

Just as it seemed he had a chance, Surya made the perfect
argument for his own elimination. He proudly announced that he is a
great team member, just not a great leader.

After hearing that,
Trump fired Surya. And, like any true bitterman, Surya sulked, “It just
shows that the best person doesn’t always win.” Maybe. But neither will
you, Surya.

Next week, the candidates head to Hollywood and the feud between Kristy and Muna heats up.

One good result of tonight’s episode of The Amazing Race: All Stars
is that the other teams will now have to find something besides Rob
& Amber to focus on. As for me, I’ll actually miss them a bit. I
didn’t want them to win, but they never made for boring TV.

Teams
started the leg in Petrohue, Chile, and flew to Punta Arenas, Chile, to
search for a wrecked ship. The last two teams to leave the Pit Stop,
The Guidos and Charla & Mirna, missed the first flight, putting
them almost two hours behind the pack.

In fairness, Charla &
Mirna have more to overcome than their competitors. If you don’t
believe me (and I myself don’t), just ask Mirna. According to her: “I
do more than any one single person has probably ever had to do on the
race to compensate for any shortcomings that we have.”

At
the shipwreck, teams found a Detour — Navigate It or Sign It — that
drew on the region’s connection to explorer Ferdinand Magellan.

In
Navigate It, teams used maps and a compass to find a building housing a
deep-sea salvage business. In Sign It, teams had to use another map to
correctly identify and spell the fourteen stops on Magellan’s voyage,
and then arrange them correctly on a vertical signpost.

Oswald
& Danny, Eric & Danielle, and Teri & Ian immediately chose
Navigate It. This turned out to be the much simpler task because there
was only one way to screw it up — you were either walking the right
direction, or you weren’t.

On the other hand, Rob & Amber, Uchenna & Joyce, and the Beauty Queens each found a different way to fail at Sign It.

Rob
& Amber got the order of the ports correct, but misspelled
Philippines (as “Phillipeans”). Uchenna & Joyce thought that the
legendary Portugese explorer started his voyage in Guam, instead of
Seville. And Dustin & Kandice invented extra rules to follow,
halting their progress.

Uchenna & Joyce were the only ones
to figure out their error, but they didn’t do it quickly enough. The
three teams who’d chosen Navigate It had already taken all of the seats
on the first of two charter planes to their next destination: Ushuaia,
Argentina. The second charter would leave three hours later than the
first.

The Beauty Queens suggested working together with Rob
& Amber on Navigate It, rather than allowing the Guidos and Charla
& Mirna to catch up. Unfortunately, the sign debacle had shattered
Rob’s confidence, and he started making mistakes that hurt both teams.

As
the teams tried to figure out their compasses, the Guidos (whose flight
had landed two hours later) ran right past them, mid-Detour. Then, Rob
led the teams to a naval museum instead of the salvage company. After
finally finding their clue, Kandice observed, “I don’t think that
teaming up with Rob & Amber was necessarily helpful.”

Meanwhile,
Charla & Mirna worked against themselves, spending more time
arguing about their slow progress than picking up the pace. They were
lucky that there were only two charter flights.

When the first
flight arrived in Ushuaia, teams rode to the seaside Playa Larga to
look for their next clue. Teri & Ian ran down the first trail they
saw, in the opposite direction of the trail marked with red-and-yellow Amazing Race flags.

Ozzy
& Danny and Eric & Danielle found the clue first, directing
them to Isla Redonda, the southernmost point of South America. Ferries
to the island ran every 20 minutes, and each could carry a maximum of
two teams.

Eric & Danielle and Ozzy & Danny shared the first ferry, and Teri & Ian caught the second.

On
Isla Redonda, teams entered “The Post Office at the End of the World”
for their next Roadblock. One team member sorted through a large bag of
mail looking for a letter addressed to his team.

Ozzy, Eric, and
eventually Teri did the sorting, and were pleased to discover that
their letters were written by another team from their original season.
Ozzy & Danny heard from Blake & Paige, Eric & Danielle from
their former partners Jeremy and Dani, and Teri & Ian get a letter
from Season 3 winners Flo & Zach.

After reading their letter
and getting their clue, Ozzy & Danny ran to the Pit Stop, finished
the leg in first place, and won a trip to Maui. When Danny asked Phil
Keoghan if he’d like to join them on vacation, Phil replied, “That’s a
whole different reality show.”

Eric & Danielle came in second, followed by Teri & Ian in third.

When
the second charter arrived, the Guidos, Uchenna & Joyce, and the
Beauty Queens got the only cabs outside the airport, and Rob &
Amber and Charla & Mirna were forced to wait. The lead teams found
their clue with no problems and gathered at the dock to wait for the
ferry.

After finally hailing cabs, Rob & Amber reached Playa
Larga first and ran down the same incorrect path that Teri & Ian
had. Amber realized they’d gone the wrong way, and they turned around.
As they approached Charla & Mirna, Amber shouted, “I got it!” and
Rob waved an old clue around.

For just a moment, Charla &
Mirna believed Amber, and they continued down the wrong path. When they
realized they’d been had, they cursed Amber as a liar and turned around.

Of
the teams still racing, The Guidos and the Beauty Queens were on the
first ferry to Isla Redonda. The Guidos got a nonsensical rhyme from
Frank, one half of Frank & Margaretta. The Beauty Queens received a
kind letter from Lyn, the nicer half of their Season 10 arch-rivals,
Lyn & Karlyn.

Season 7 rivals Uchenna & Joyce and Rob
& Amber travelled in the next ferry. Uchenna & Joyce got a
letter from Susan & Patrick, encouraging them not to trust “you
know who.” (Rob & Amber, of course)

As Rob sifted through
his sack of mail, Charla & Mirna showed up. When Mirna found her
team’s letter first, they taunted Rob & Amber, Charla going so far
as to call Amber, “Lying bitch!”

Fittingly, the cousins’ letter
was from Marshall & Lance, the two brothers famous for coining
“Mirna & Schmirna,” and for driving by Mirna and yelling out,
“Bitch!” during Season 5. The pizza-making brothers hoped for the
cousins’ swift elimination.

Rob found his team’s letter, which
was also from Susan & Patrick. Like Marshall & Lance, the
mother-son duo took the opportunity to hurl childish remarks, while
their targets were half-a-world away. Patrick wished car trouble and
starvation upon Rob & Amber.

Not knowing how far this
season’s biggest threats were behind them, Mirna screamed at Charla,
“Level 5! Level 5!” Whatever the hell it meant, it worked, and Charla
& Mirna finished second to last, again.

Rob & Amber
reached the finish mat and were informed that they’d been eliminated
from the race. They lied and said they were happy just to have had the
chance to compete again.

Next week, expect many of the teams to
attribute Rob & Amber’s elimination to some kind of karmic
retribution. Also, teams take part in a challenge involving a giant rat
— and Joyce is the only one who thinks the rat is cute. I guess that
explains Uchenna. (Zing!)

Even though Moto continues to dominate challenges — and Ravu finds
innovative ways to lose — the tribes may be more similar than they
might appear. All the men of Survivor: Fiji have one thing in common: they can’t stand the women.

The
episode started with another lopsided Reward Challenge, in which Moto
demolished Ravu. Members of each tribe faced off in sumo-style matches,
using a padded bolster to push their opponents out of the ring.

Everyone
matched up with an opponent of the same gender for the first six
matches. Yau Man and Stacy were the last competitors for their teams
and had to face off against each other. It was the only match that Ravu
won, and Yau Man received tepid applause from his teammates.

Moto
claimed the spoils of victory: more fishing gear, a pot full of
potatoes, a basket of toiletries, and a tray of equipment for brewing
coffee. They also sent Earl to Exile Island.

It was back at camp
that the first real social rifts in Moto were exposed. Dreamz didn’t
know how to use a French press to make coffee, and because he wasn’t a
part of her alliance, Stacy wouldn’t tell him. She and Lisi almost went
out of their way to be rude to Dreamz. (They didn’t show Cassandra how
to use the press, either, so she was also stuck sipping coffee grounds.)

Alex
pulled Stacy aside and tried to explain why it was in the alliance’s
best interests to keep outcasts Dreamz and Cassandra happy. Assuming
that the teams are to merge when there are ten survivors left, if Moto
won every challenge until then, the balance of power would be 7-3.

If
Dreamz and Cassandra defect — or as Alex put it, “deflect” — to Ravu,
the teams would be tied at 5-5. Moto would lose the advantage it had
worked so hard to earn from its run of challenge victories.

Stacy
was not convinced by Alex’s logic, and she planned to continue being
rude to Dreamz and Cassandra. So did Lisi. So did Boo.

Alex sat
on a hill screaming, “Kill me! Kill me! God, kill me now!” after his
words failed to sink in with his foolish alliance members. Only Edgardo
agreed with Alex, but stupidity still ruled the alliance, 3-2.

The
men of Ravu were similarly suffering at their camp. Anthony, Mookie,
Rocky, and Yau Man could only pretend to sleep as Rita and Michelle
discussed in detail the intricacies of their makeup routines.

Rita
also said that, despite what some people thought, she was actually a
very low-maintenance kind of girl — a lie born of willful ignorance.
Women, if people think you are high-maintenance, it’s because you are.
Sorry.

The girl talk was bad enough that Rocky pulled Anthony
aside so that they could bond by complaining about Rita, even though
days before Rocky had been trying to vote Anthony out of the tribe.

When
the teams met for the Immunity Challenge, it seemed like the playing
field had finally been leveled. The tribes played a good, old-fashioned
game of Memory.

One at a time, a member of each team flipped
over a card attached to an easel and searched for its match among a
couple dozen other easels. All of the competitors could see the cards
as they were flipped, but were not allowed to offer help to the players
on the field.

Yau Man made an early mistake when he forgot the
location of a card he’d seen less than a minute before. Later, the
teams were tied,when Rocky’s turn came up for the winning point.
Everyone offered him suggestions on which cards to flip, and Rocky’s
exhausted, malnourished brain simply couldn’t process all of the
information.

He walked out onto the field, flipped over one
card, and realized he had no idea what to do next, even though the
matching card had recently been shown. Rocky ended his turn without a
match. Cassandra went next and quickly handed Moto yet another victory.

Rocky
took the blame for the loss when Ravu got back to camp, but his team
only briefly considered eliminating him. The girls still wanted to get
rid of Anthony, and Rocky was done listening to Rita.

At Tribal Council, the men of Ravu decided that Rita was way more annoying than Anthony, and Rita was eliminated.

Survivor
takes a brief hiatus next week due to the NCAA basketball tournament.
It will return with a new episode on Wednesday, March 21. That episode
promises a twist — which, according to the previews, looks like a
chance for the Survivors to switch teams.

If Alex is really as
smart as he seems to be, as soon as Dreamz and Cassandra start walking
toward the Ravu tribe (which you know they will), he should follow
right along.

If Alex stays with his Coalition of the Stupid,
he’s doomed. But if he “deflects” to Ravu, he might have a chance. A
foursome of Alex, Cassandra, Anthony, and Earl could make it very far
in the game.

We’ll see what happens. This episode, with its
coffee incident and Alex’s inability to sway his teammates, could wind
up being the pivotal 60 minutes of the season.

In the boardroom, Donald Trump managed to turn an otherwise uneventful episode of The Apprentice into a memorable one — thanks to a little help from Derek and Jenn.

This
week’s task was boring: throw a party for Lexus owners to show off a
new car model. Team Arrow, renewed by several days of mansion living,
did just enough to win the task. Bring out a few trays of fancy snacks,
let the fat cats drive the car around the parking lot, and bingo —
easy victory.

It should be noted that Stefani and Frank set the
entire event up themselves, with no help from inept Project Manager
Surya, who was too busy writing strategy notes on a dry erase board to
actually implement any strategy.

Jenn was eager to prove herself
and took the helm as Project Manager of the tent-dwelling Team Kinetic.
The team sat quietly for three hours, at which point “Creative Team
Leader” Angela admitted that she had no ideas for the event.

The
group decided to call their event “The Sixth Sense of Luxury” and
wanted a supernatural theme. So Derek — just throwing out ideas —
suggested go-karts and a magician. For some reason, Jenn agreed.

Kinetic’s
event ran as well as it could have (i.e., terribly). Jenn stumbled
through a presentation about the new car, and then customers weren’t
even allowed to take the car for a spin. Instead, skirt-clad women
tried to demurely wedge themselves into tiny go-karts. Not exactly the
image of luxury Lexus had hoped to present.

Trump’s viceroy for the week, Apprentice 4
winner Randal, announced Arrow’s victory in the Boardroom. The winners
got the chance to rap with Snoop Dogg, although I use the term “rap”
loosely.

In the Boardroom, Trump tried to figure out who to
blame for Kinetic’s loss. Derek admitted to suggesting the go-karts, in
part, he said, because he was “white trash” and didn’t know how to
throw a party for wealthy Lexus owners.

Trump became incensed at
the term “white trash,” called Derek stupid, and fired him on the spot.
But the others weren’t off the hook just yet.

Randal had a
million questions for Kinetic, specifically Angela and Jenn. He
interrupted Trump several times to ask his questions before Trump
finally told him to shut up. Meanwhile, Surya, predictably, said
nothing.

Muna, Kristine, and Heidi all agreed that Jenn’s
decision to use the go-karts was the team’s downfall, and it became
clear that Jenn’s number was up. Trump said to Jenn, “Your team didn’t
have great respect for you.”

Jenn smiled at Trump and said,
“Before you fire me, can I just say one thing? Because I know you’re
about to do it.” Trump allowed Jenn her final words.

Jenn turned
to her team and asked about Trump’s comment that they didn’t respect
her. Heidi spoke for the team and said, “We respect you.”

Trump
said, “Fine. They respect you. Jennifer, you’re fired.” As she stood to
leave, Jennifer said she’d had fun and that her teammates were “great.”

After
a group hug in the driveway, Jenn got in her chauffeured car and drove
off. As she departed, Jenn said cheerfully, “You never know who’s gonna
be the next Apprentice. It’s not me!”

Finally, someone kept this damned show in perspective. As far as I can tell, all that winning The Apprentice allows you to do is fill in as a viceroy when Trump’s kids are busy.

And,
as has been the case in the past few seasons, this season has no real
stars. Heidi and Stefani have shown to have some leadership ability,
and Muna and Kristine have displayed some competence.

But would you hire any of the other jabronis
to mow your lawn, let alone run a company? I don’t think so. How much
value would a victory over these clowns be worth anyway? Jenn correctly
figured the answer: not much.

Tonight’s episode of The Amazing Race: All-Stars
proved what many of us had long suspected: David & Mary are nothing
without their buddies from last season, the Cho Brothers.

Teams
started the leg in Calama, Chile, and they headed to the airport in the
middle of the night to book flights to Puerto Montt, Chile. Race
leaders Rob & Amber found an all-night travel agency and booked
seats on a flight that arrived at 12:55 the following afternoon.

At
the airport, Uchenna & Joyce announced to the other teams present
— Ozzy & Danny, Eric & Danielle, and the Guidos, Joe &
Bill — that they were going to find a hotel with an Internet
connection. They offered to book seats online for the other teams, who
then wrote their credit card information on slips of paper.

Unfortunately,
the Guidos were the only team to write down their credit card’s
security code, so they were the only other team Uchenna & Joyce
could buy tickets for.

Eric & Danielle were first in line
when the airport ticket counters opened and were still able to get
tickets on the early flight. Everyone else wound up on a flight that
arrived one hour later.

In Puerto Montt, teams drove to a fish
farm for this leg’s Roadblock. One team member needed to use a basket
to transport 80 live flounder from a small breeding tank to a large
holding tank approximately 50 meters downhill.

Danielle
regretted her choice to do the Roadblock as soon as she got near her
tank. She didn’t like fish to begin with, and being forced to catch
them with her bare hands didn’t help. She could barely hear Eric
calling her a “baby” over the sound of her own screaming.

Only a
few of the floppy fish would fit in the basket at once, so the fish
wranglers had to climb out of the tank frequently to lug their cargo to
the holding tank. Rob could only chuckle as Eric, with the utmost
sensitivity, encouraged Danielle to “use your boobs” to pin the fish
down as she carried them. She did.

Bill remained calm as he
lugged his cargo, bragging, “I’m the fish whisperer.” Ozzy urged his
partner to follow Bill’s lead, telling Danny in a serene voice, “Be the
fish. Become the fish.”

Once all of the fish were transported, a
clue written on the bottom of the tank became visible. The team member
who did the Roadblock had to get back in the tank to copy it down.

The
clue told teams to head toward the town of Petrohue, where they would
find a popular tourist spot along the way called La Maquina.

Bill
scanned the bottom of his tank too quickly and missed the part about
Petrohue. He and Joe drove around aimlessly, asking people where La
Maquina was (Nobody knew, as it was an hour away). Luckily for the
Guidos, they chanced upon Charla & Mirna — the last team to
complete the Roadblock — at a gas station.

When teams arrived
at La Maquina, they were given their choice of Detour tasks. Team
members could walk 200 yards to a rock face and each climb 40 feet, or
drive over two miles farther and raft through level-4 rapids.

All
of the teams chose the river rafting. Teri was the only racer to fall
in the water. Afterward, she said, “It was exciting to fall out of the
boat!”

Beauty Queens Dustin & Kandice, who’ve had some
trouble navigating this season, made a potentially disastrous blunder.
They found the river rafting Detour before they found the La Maquina
clue that actually told them to do the Detour. Instead of realizing
they’d skipped a step, they jumped right into a raft.

When they came ashore, the clue they found directed them to the Pit Stop at a camp three miles up the road.

Rob
& Amber had already finished in first place (for the third
consecutive time), followed by Uchenna & Joyce and Eric &
Danielle. Host Phil Keoghan told the Beauty Queens that they couldn’t
check in until they retrieved the clue they’d missed.

Fortunately
for them, the girls figured out their mistake and returned with their
clue before any other teams had checked in. The were followed by Ozzy
& Danny and Teri & Ian.

Charla & Mirna and the
Guidos caught a break when Dave & Mary made a wrong turn, although
the cousins managed to squander almost all of the meager lead they had.

Charla
& Mirna were first into their raft, but the Guidos chased them down
the river. Then, Mirna realized she’d left their car keys in a tent
where they’d changed into their rafting gear. By the time she found the
keys, the Guidos had checked in, and David & Mary had almost caught
up.

Almost.

The Kentucky coal miner and his wife were the latest
victims in a very satisfying trend this season. Thus far, only the
weakest teams have been eliminated. Even when the stronger teams have
made mistakes, they haven’t been too costly — yet

Assuming that
the trend continues, Charla & Mirna could be the next team to go.
As entertaining as their manic overreactions and mangled attempts at
Spanish are, they’re just not racing as well as they did during Season 5.

The tribe that won the reward and immunity challenges on this episode of Survivor: Fiji also lost two of its members. Meanwhile, the tribe that lost both challenges remained completely intact. Huh?

Ravu
started the episode still reeling from its fifth consecutive loss.
Earl’s suggestion that the tribe clear the air and talk about their
problems resulted in Rocky launching a volley of insults against
Anthony, whom Rocky blamed for the team’s failures.

Privately,
Anthony tearfully confessed to being hurt by the comments, but he vowed
to continue. Earl admitted that, while it was becoming harder to
protect his friend, he wasn’t ready to give up on Anthony just yet.

The
Reward Challenge was another rehashed Survivor classic: one at a time,
contestants had to move past their tribemates, who were standing
side-by-side on a balance beam over the water. The trick is to lean
back while holding hands, allowing you to effectively swing slowly past
your teammate, as you counterbalance each other.

As both teams
struggled early on, Jeff Probst said that there was a learning curve to
the challenge. But nobody figured out the lean-back-and-swing tactic.
Instead, the members of Moto squatted down and let one person at a time
crawl over them. Crude, but effective.

Moto won a big, fluffy
bed and pillows for their camp, along with some fish and a selection of
spices. They sent Yau Man to Exile Island, where he learned that the
Hidden Immunity Idol is buried directly under the highest point of
Ravu’s cave.

Moto didn’t have much time to celebrate their
victory after returning to camp. Gary’s health woes finally became too
much for him–he couldn’t breathe and had been lightheaded for days —
so the medical boat ferried him out of the game to a facility where he
could receive proper treatment.

Meanwhile, at Ravu’s camp,
Michelle and Rita suffered a totally different kind of pain. They
witnessed Rocky’s plan for boosting team morale before the next
challenge: walking around camp naked. Rita winced as she recounted the
horrors of seeing cocky Rocky’s Equus audition.

Losing
a member didn’t hurt Moto at the Immunity Challenge; in fact, shedding
the physically unfit Gary may have helped. And Rocky’s striptease did
nothing to help his team. Ravu quickly fell behind, as both teams raced
across styrofoam squares to rescue tribemembers from floating cages,
and a last minute surge wasn’t enough to earn them their first win.

But
Jeff Probst had a trick up his sleeve: a note with special instructions
for the winning team. Moto was given the choice of retaining their
immunity but switching camps with Ravu, or surrendering immunity to
Ravu but staying at the nice camp.

Moto chose comfort and agreed
to head to their first Tribal Council. Because of Gary’s departure, the
choice to stay at the nice camp meant that, after Tribal Council, both
teams would have an equal number of members (seven).

Dreamz,
mistakenly believing that no one had formed alliances yet, suggested
that they choose between voting out Cassandra or Lisi, the tribe’s
weakest challenge competitors. However, Lisi had already formed a
partnership with Stacy, Edgardo, Alex, and Boo, and they weren’t going
to vote for her.

Lisi and Stacy suggested that their alliance
vote for the flirtatious Liliana, the only woman with any chance of
breaking up their alliance. Alex and the other men said that it was
foolish to eliminate the strongest woman on the tribe.

That’s when Lisi and Stacy made it clear that voting for Liliana wasn’t a suggestion, it was an order.

At
Tribal Council, the men of the alliance caved to the pressure, and
Liliana was eliminated. She was stunned (as was Cassandra, who clearly
expected to go home), and told Jeff on her way out that voting her out
this early was the only way any of her tribemates could’ve beaten her.

Next week, Yau Man searches for the Immunity Idol, and Rocky reignites his feud with Dreamz.