It’s a slow news day, so please enjoy this video of Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog, at the Tony Awards.

Even on a ship full of pirates, politeness counts.

As the seafarers journeyed to the site of their next treasure hunt, professional glass blower Laurel mused about how living in a van for the last year prepared her for Pirate Master: "Being a pirate is more about your state of mind than anything. Doesn’t matter if you’re on a boat or on a van."

Fashion publicist Alexis was similarly philosophical about life on a ship: "Dude, like, this is a lot of work."

Then it was time to choose teams and hunt for loot. Captain Joe Don and his officers Cheryl and Ben lead the Black Crew, accompanied by Alexis, Joy, Laurel, and Sean. If his Red Crew was successful, Louie’s nemesis, Capt. Joe Don, would lose his title.

Rowing to shore, the Red Crew gained a lead on Black. The lead grew when, after getting out of the boat to pull it over a sand bar, Alexis refused to get back in the Black Crew’s boat, preferring to walk on the sand instead.

After a run through the jungle, both teams arrived at a river to hunt for a submerged skull containing the key to the next treasure chest. Louie found the key for the Red Crew, and the race was essentially over.

The treasure chest they brought back to the boat contained $35,000 in gold pieces. More important than the money, Joe Don and his cronies were out, and the Red Crew needed to elect a new captain. They chose seventh-level chaotic evil sorcerer Azmyth, who picked his crush, Jupiter, and Jay to be his officers.

Azmyth’s rise to power immediately brought about some changes. First, he combined his share of the money with his officers’, and they divvied it up so that everyone on the Red Crew got the same amount.

More importantly, Azmyth inexplicably began speaking with a quasi-British accent. Jay said it was "like somebody gave him, like, an English pill or something," since the accent only surfaced after Azmyth first walked into the captain’s quarters.

But the pill never wore off, and the accent remained, even as the captain and his officers deliberated over which crew members should be given The Black Spot, marking them for elimination.

Alexis was an obvious choice, after the way her dawdling hurt her team. They hoped a black spot might serve to motivate Laurel, who seemed to be coasting. That left one more spot, and Joe Don certainly deserved it.

But Jay — who’d been getting money on the side from Joe Don — suggested that Cheryl might be the better choice. He didn’t like her aloof attitude, and he argued that she should be forced to defend why she’s kept her distance from the rest of the crew.

Captain Azmyth and his officers gave the final spot to Cheryl. Once the crew learned who was up for elimination, Jay began to rally troops to get rid of Cheryl. Nessa, Christa, and Kendra were on board, as was Louie, who was eager to get rid of anyone remotely tied to Joe Don.

Since eight pirates would vote to determine who would be cut adrift, Jay needed to secure one more vote against Cheryl for a majority. He gave Sean, who was inclined to vote for Alexis, $1000 to vote his way.

At Pirates Court, Aussie host Cameron Daddo asked Azmyth, "Have you got an accent now?" Azmyth replied that it came with the hat and coat. He then explained his reasoning for giving the black spot to Cheryl, Laurel, and Alexis.

Jay arrogantly disclosed that he’d been the one to nominate Cheryl for elimination, because of the way she "looked down her nose" at him. If she didn’t go home that night, Jay had made himself an enemy with that speech.

Then it was time for the three pirates in jeopardy to defend themselves. Laurel said that she really wanted to be there, and hoped everyone knew it. Cheryl said that she’d stayed apart from the crew at Joe Don’s request, and was doing her best to be a team player.

Alexis offered an argument that has become the standard reality show explanation for a bad attitude: "I’m me, and I haven’t put up any front or any facade, or tried to do any sugar-coated tap dance ‘this is me’ for any of you. You know what you’re getting."

The essence of that argument is, "I’m a jerk, and I’m not going to change for you," and that ‘sugar-coating’ is more commonly known as manners. Admitting to a lack of understanding of basic social graces didn’t give Alexis’ fellow pirates much reason to keep her around.

When the votes were cast, they were split evenly between Cheryl and Alexis. It turns out that, in the event of a tie, the captain casts the deciding vote. Azmyth voted for Alexis, and she was cut adrift.

Next week, Sean has to explain to Jay why he changed his vote from Cheryl to Alexis.

Tonight on So You Think You Can Dance, the judges cut the two dancers they felt gave the worst solo performances — even though it meant eliminating a couple of early favorites.

The Results Show started with all twenty contestants performing Wade Robson’s choreography to Busta Rhymes’s "Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Can See."

Recapping last night’s show, Jamie & Hok and Anya & Danny were told they were safe, while Sabra & Dominic became the first couple in the Bottom Three.

Then, Lacey & Kameron, Ashlee & Ricky, Sara & Jesus, and Jessi & Pasha were brought on stage. Ashlee & Ricky were told they were the next couple to join the Bottom Three. Nigel said that, in future choreography, their height should be taken into consideration, so that Ashlee doesn’t look much larger than Ricky.

Finally Faina & Cedric, Lauren & Neil, and Shauna & Jimmy took the stage, where Faina & Cedric learned they were the last couple in the Bottom Three.

Before the six dancers at the bottom danced to stay in the competition, reigning SYTYCD champ Benji Schwimmer returned to dance — dropping his pants at the end of the performance to show off his American flag underpants. Somewhere in the distance, I could’ve sworn I heard a someone singing "America the Beautiful."

The solo performances were to the following songs:
Sabra — David Gray, "Shine"
Dominic — Earth, Wind & Fire, "Let’s Groove"
Ashlee — Barbra Streisand, "Cry Me a River"
Ricky — Jamiroquai, "Virtual Insanity"
Faina — Christina Aguilera, "Ain’t No Other Man"
Cedric — Wade Robson, "Dream Within a Dream"

While the judges deliberated, musician Lloyd performed the song that Faina & Cedric danced to last night: "Get It Shawty."

The judges rendered their verdict on the girls first. Sabra and Faina were told they were safe. Speaking for the judges, Nigel said that Ashlee’s solo relied to heavily on emotion — at the expense of technique — and she was sent home.

Of the boys, Cedric was the first told he was safe, and Dominic evidently saved himself by taking his shirt off during his routine (while spinning on his head). The judges felt that Ricky’s performance wasn’t up to his usual standards, and he was given the axe.

We may have our first two official cast members for Dancing with the Stars 5: former Spice Girl Melanie Brown and actress Jennie Garth. Publicists for both women are openly discussing their clients’ preparations for the upcoming season.

Another fall season casting rumor: WWE diva Ashley Massaro may be a participant in the next edition of Survivor.

In news of another Mark Burnett show, scientist/exotic dancer John revealed that, thankfully, there is a "ghost crew" that keeps the Pirate Master boat afloat.

Finally, a Variety article about Spike’s new development strategy mentioned that the network paid $2 million per episode to air reruns of CSI: New York. No wonder the rest of their programming is Star Trek reruns and Jean-Claude Van Damme films — not that I’m complaining.

So You Think You Can Dance 3’s top twenty dancers performed in pairs tonight. Here’s what each couple danced.

Jamie & Hok — Hip Hop
Song: Eve, "Tambourine"
Choreographer: Shane Sparks
Shane voiced his objections from the audience when Nigel said he thought the choreography held Hok back.

Anya & Danny — Jive
Song: Avril Lavigne, "Girlfriend"
Choreographer: Tony Meredith
Mary Murphy said that Anya just fell off the "hot tamale train." The couple looked great together.

Lacey & Kameron — Contemporary
Song: Elisa, "Dancing"
Choreographer: Mia Michaels
Nigel said, "You’ll be there next week. No problem."

Sabra & Dominic — Disco
Song: Donna Summer & Westlife, "Enough Is Enough (No More Tears)"
Choreographer: Doriana Sanchez
The period costumes were distracting, but Mary called the routine "corny and fun." It had some great lifts.

Ashlee & Ricky — Argentine Tango
Song: "Sentimiento Tanguero"
Choreographer: Alex de Silva
Ashlee is beautiful, but when she danced with Ricky, it looked like Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman. Dan said, "It wasn’t that sexy."

Sara & Jesus — Pop Jazz
Song: "Cabaret Hoover" from The Triplets of Belleville
Choreographer: Wade Robson
I didn’t like the choreography, but the judges seemed to love it.

Jessi & Pasha — Smooth Waltz
Song: Norah Jones, "Come Away With Me"
Choreographer: Tony Meredith
Dan said, "It was so beautiful to watch," and I agree.

Faina & Cedric — Hip Hop
Song: Lloyd, "Get It Shawty"
Choreographer: Shane Sparks
These two don’t go well together, and Faina was out of her comfort zone — Nigel called her performance "dance by numbers."

Lauren & Neil — Club Salsa
Song: Mazerati 5, "Friday Night Rhythm"
Choreographer: Alex de Silva
Dan said, "The performance didn’t match the dancing," and felt that the couple lacked chemistry.

Shauna & Jimmy — Broadway
Song: "Ease On Down the Road" from The Wiz
Choreographer: Tyce DiOrio
As Dan said, it was definitely "fun to watch."

After all of the performances, Mary said that Anya & Danny were definitely safe, and Dan said that Ashlee & Ricky were in danger.

I agree with both of the judges on their predictions. My other favorite couples were Lacey & Kameron and Jessie & Pasha — although quirky Lauren is my early favorite dancer. Faina & Cedric might be in some trouble.

Donald Trump is developing a new reality show called Lady or a Tramp, which sends party girls to charm school. The report at Variety says, "Trump will exec produce the show and possibly come on air to evaluate contestants’ progress." Possibly? As if there’s anything they can do to keep Trump off-camera and away from chicks.

George Takei and Wil Wheaton have launched a new online contest where fans can write and vote on scenes for a story called "Kirk vs. Picard." Follow this link to the official site, which features a video of Takei and Wheaton introducing the contest.

The Palm Beach Post featured an amusing behind-the-scenes account of the Sopranos finale party. Apparently, John Ratzenberger crashed the party: "I was in town to buy a boat, so I figured why not."

In other news of Dancing with the Stars alums, Joey McIntyre is going to be a dad. One of Joey’s tourmates this summer, Cheryl Burke, will be answering fans’ questions submitted to People.com.

Also, Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Apolo Anton Ohno have been named to People’s Hottest Bachelors 2007 list, and the magazine’s website features a video of Maks demonstrating his most effective seduction technique: speaking in his native Russian.

Update: Frankie Abernathy’s mother confirms that Frankie passed away on Saturday. She was 25 years old.

NBC announced that The Biggest Loser’s return on September 11 will be preceded by a Where Are They Now special edition on September 4. It’ll be interesting to see if any of the contestants were motivated enough to keep the weight off without a hyperactive trainer breathing down their necks.

Also this fall, Smallville will be getting a new female character: Supergirl. My hope is that they already have some idea what they want to do with this character, and won’t have to shoehorn her into episodes (*cough* Lois).

And rumors are swirling that Real World: San Diego cast member Frankie Abernathy may have died over the weekend. MTV hasn’t confirmed the news, but her struggles with cystic fibrosis were chronicled during her time on the show.

I just realized that I missed the new Brian Regan stand-up special that debuted on Comedy Central last night. Luckily, the special will reair on Tuesday night at 10 EST. In the meantime, enjoy this TV Guide interview with Brian.

If it seems like every news network has spent the last week covering the Paris Hilton jail saga at the expense of real news, Variety confirms that they have. At The Huffington Post, Marty Kaplan explains the difference between real news and celebrity news — apparently, it all has to do with your amygdala (or "lizard brain").

Speaking of lizard brains, Big Brother will expand its reach when the show returns to CBS on July 5. CBS will air live footage of the houseguests from midnight to 3 a.m. EST on the Sho Too cable channel. Since it’s on cable, nudity and profanity are okay — but the feed will be cut if any of the participants says anything that violates music copyrights.

Big Brother 8 debuts in its historic 8 EST time slot, bumping Pirate Master to 9 p.m. that night. After that, Pirate Master moves to its new, permanent home on Tuesday nights at 10 EST, following the Tuesday night Big Brother episode.

Tonight’s episode of Pirate Master did a lot to explain the current political climate in America. The TV pirates proved that people are remarkably tolerant of crappy governance.

The episode began with Captain Joe Don assigning some key roles on the ship. Sean’s bartending experience earned him the role of Cook, and wily auto parts salesman Jay was chosen to be Bosun (or Boatswain, if you prefer the proper spelling).

Bosun is essentially the lead crewman, or as Jay put it, the pirate equivalent of a union representative. Jay hoped the job could help him win favor from both captain and crew, while Joe Don hoped Jay would serve as a kind of spy.

Then it was time for breakfast: disgusting gruel with hair in it for the crew, and bacon, fruit, and rum for the captain and his two officers, Ben and Cheryl. Watching Joe Don chow down as they swabbed the deck served only to annoy the hungry crew.

Finally, it was time for this week’s treasure hunt. The rules were that the captain and his officers would head the Black Team, and everyone else would draw colored marbles to see if they were a part of the Black or Red Team. If the Red Team found the treasure first, they would install a new captain, and Joe Don would be out.

Teams swam to shore, but weak swimmer Kendra held up the Red Team. They were further slowed down on a long uphill run by the pokey giant, Christian, and Joy, who fell and injured her knee.

The Black Team raced ahead to a pit of snakes, where dreadlocked seventh level chaotic evil sorcerer Azmyth dove in and found a clue box. Inside the box was a "compass plate," an etched piece of metal that, when placed upon a nearby altar, would point the way to the next treasure.

Azmyth placed the compass plate upon an altar and used his magical powers — which arise from his dreadlocks — to find the location of the buried treasure.

Upon returning to the pirate ship, the Black Team learned that they’d found $45,000 worth of gold coins — half of which went automatically to Captain Joe Don. He was given the option of choosing two new officers, but he kept Ben and Cheryl, who split a quarter of the loot. The rest of the team got $2250 each, with no bonus for Azmyth, even though he did all of the work.

Just to keep the crew on his good side, Joe Don decided to give the members of the Red Team a little cash: $200 each. Needless to say, the crew was more insulted than they were grateful.

Then Joe Don offered his bosun, Jay $2000, as "a reward, not a bribe." Jay didn’t care what it was, but planned to keep the gift a secret so as not to upset his crewmates.

So, out of his $42,500 haul, Joe Don gave away $3400 — and actually thought he’d been generous.

When it came time for the captain to assign "The Black Spot" to three crew members before Pirates Court, he and his officers reasoned that they could deflect any hostility toward themselves onto the three pirates who’d performed the worst in the physical aspects of the challenge: Joy, Kendra, and Christian.

And their plan actually worked! Despite a bunch of mutinous chatter, Christian lost to Kendra in a vote of 5-4. No one even cast a vote for Joe Don. In their minds, the crew must have thought it better to eliminate someone who might cost them money in the future, rather than getting rid of the guy who was already robbing them blind and working them like slaves.

It’s going to be very hard to feel any kind of sympathy for these idiots if they keep putting up with Joe Don’s bullshit. Then again, Joe Don’s superior attitude is funny, and part of me really wants it to continue.

Next week, Louie vows revenge on Joe Don for the ouster of his pal, Christian. And, since Joe Don revealed at Pirates Court that he gave money to Bosun Jay, Jay uses some of the dough to buy Sean’s support.

After a final solo round, the judges eliminated sixteen contestants right away, leaving thirty-four still in the running. Unlike most of her fellow contestants, who were happy to have made it as far as they did, weepy Olivia was angry that she was forced to do so much work and spend time with people she hated, only to be cut.

Then the judges retired to deliberate over who to cast in the Top Twenty. When announcing their results, it would’ve been nice if the judges varied their responses a little bit. But, without fail, if they started their comments positively, the contestant was out; if the comments began negatively, the contestant was in.

The final spot in the boys’ top ten would go to either Hok or Twitch. Nigel said that both of them were kind of lousy at stuff other than hip-hop. The guys had become buddies during the course of the auditions, so they were both going to be sad no matter who made it. The spot went to Hok, and not my guy Twitch.

The final girls’ spot would go to Kristen or Lacey. Since two ballroom dancers had already made the cut, Lacey felt her chances were slim. But she made the final cut and had a hard time trying not to be ecstatic in front of Kristen.

The Top Twenty are as follows: Anya, Cedric, Ashley, Danny, Faina, Dominic, Jamie, Hok, Jessi, Jesus, Lacey, Jimmy, Lauren, Kameron, Sabra, Neil, Sara, Pasha, Shauna, and Ricky.