DwtS 4 debuted to an audience of 21.65 million, making it the most watched premiere in the show’s history. Here are links to reviews of last night’s premiere at Entertainment Weekly and MSNBC.
In the run-up to the new season, the stars of the show gave plenty of interviews. At BuddyTV, Ian Ziering said that the first time he met fellow competitor, Laila Ali, she warned him, "Look, don’t think that just because you got Cheryl that you’re going to win this thing."
At ReadExpress.com, Kym Johnson said that her partner, Joey Fatone, has already lost 15 pounds, thanks to their dance training. And at MeeVee, Tom Bergeron describes himself as a "gym rat."
This season, ABC is posting complete episodes of Dancing with the Stars online. If you don’t have time to watch the whole episode, videos of Laila & Maks, Billy Ray & Karina, Shandi & Brian, Heather & Jonathan, Joey & Kym, and Apolo & Julianne have been added to the DwtS 4, Week 1: Performance Show recap. (Throughout the season, we’ll continue to scour the web and post videos we find online. We’ve been, shall we say, persuaded not to upload any videos of our own this season.)
With one dance under their belts, the couples on Dancing with the Stars get another week to prove to fans why they deserve to stick around. At least one couple has good reason to be very nervous before next week’s vote.
All of the principal players returned for this season: hosts Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris; judges Len Goodman, Carrie Ann Inaba, and Bruno Tonioli; and band leader Harold Wheeler.
(A quick note: I wish there was a way to convey just how great Tom Bergeron is at his job, but his greatness lies in the spontaneous asides that you simply have to see to appreciate. He’s the funniest host on television, and Dancing with the Stars wouldn’t be the same without him.)
To kick off the new season, all of the professional dancers performed what I believe was a Samba to Sweet’s "Ballroom Blitz." Maksim Chmerkovskiy, sporting a dashing short haircut, looked as delightfully smarmy as ever, as he danced with Karina Smirnoff and Cheryl Burke at the same time. New castmember Julianne Hough was tossed in the air like a cheerleader before ending the routine balanced high atop Tony Dovolani’s right arm.
The celebrities were introduced individually, and it was announced that all of the women would be dancing the Fox Trot, and the men the Cha Cha Cha. Then it was time for the first performance of the night.
Ian Ziering & Cheryl Burke — Cha Cha Cha Song: Tommy James & The Shondells, "Mony Mony"
The dancers and celebrites have no idea who they’ll be working with, until they meet for the first time in their practice space. Upon seeing the two-time champ waiting for him, Ian shouted, "We’re gonna win! This is great!" During their practice sessions, Ian & Cheryl had plenty of fun, but he needs to let go of his perfectionist tendencies.
When they took the dance floor, Ian looked perfectly relaxed and happy. He didn’t appear to be at all self-conscious, which allowed him to look far more natural than many of the male celebs ever do. He displayed none of the stiffness in his arm movements that plagued Joey Lawrence last season even in his best performances.
With a few more weeks of practice, Ian will have no problem getting his hips moving. I don’t have much to say about Cheryl’s performance, because she did exactly what she does best: allow her partner to be the star. Ian looked elated after they finished their dance.
The judges were pleased with the night’s first performance. Len told Cheryl, "You’re a lucky little devil. You keep getting really good partners." Bruno commended Cheryl for her choreography and suggested a way they might teach Ian how to move his hips: "Go and see the Chippendales show or something." Early in the routine, Carrie Ann had feared Ian might psych himself out, but she said, "You proved me wrong. The musicality kicked in."
Backstage with Samantha, Ian expressed some concerns about his outfit: ”It’s the first time I’ve had to step through my shirt since I was wearing onesies."
Scores: Carrie Ann…7, Len…7, Bruno…7 = 21/30
Paulina Porizkova & Alec Mazo — Fox Trot Song: Cole Porter, "It’s too Darn Hot"
During their introductory video, Paulina revealed that, despite her modeling background, she’s actually a klutz. Her family called her "as graceful as a 2×4." Alec and Paulina bonded over their shared geographic background as they trained…
Alec: "Do not question the system."
Paulina: "That’s what they said in the Communist countries."
Alec: "Well, that’s where I’m from."
Paulina: "Yeah, that’s why we both left."
On the dance floor, Paulina looked classy, and dancing to a Cole Porter tune, the couple had an old Hollywood kind of glamour. She looked very confident, and, as she becomes more polished, Paulina will be a real threat. Alec did a wonderful job letting her shine, continuing to play the straight man to her comedian on the floor, just as he did off the floor.
Len commended Paulina for her "musical arms," but warned her about posture and hold problems. Carrie said, "You have great potential. Your lines are gorgeous. But you were a little awkward with each other in the beginning." Bruno said his cohorts were just in a bad mood. He told Paulina, "You’ve got class oozing from every pore. You look like you have breakfast, lunch, and dinner at Tiffany’s."
When asked how it feels to receive criticism from the judges, Paulina fake-cried and said, "It hurts when it’s you."
Scores: Carrie Ann…6, Len…6, Bruno…7 = 19/30
Billy Ray Cyrus & Karina Smirnoff — Cha Cha Cha Song: Billy Ray Cyrus, "I Want My Mullet Back"
Billy Ray’s insecurity has been the couples’ biggest obstacle. When Karina asked what his strengths are, he replied, "My strength is you. And other than that, everything else is a weakness."
What happened on the dance floor was a mess. Billy Ray missed his holds, forgot the routine, and just looked lost. To be fair, he looked like what many of us amateurs would after only four weeks of training, except that he did it on national TV.
In honor of the song they were dancing too, Karina wore a mullet wig. At the end of the routine, with Karina kneeling at his feet, Billy Ray was supposed to pull off the wig (reclaiming his mullet). But the wig got stuck, and Billy Ray had to rip it off of Karina’s head, in what looked like a very painful maneuver.
After the judges made sure Karina was okay, they got down the business of critiquing the performance. Carrie stammered, "That was…that was rock ‘n roll, but it wasn’t a Cha Cha." Bruno told Billy Ray, "You were like a crazy bear lost in a swamp. I can’t give a critique because there wasn’t anything to criticize." Len said, "It was more like a hoedown than a Cha Cha Cha."
Scores: Carrie Ann…5, Len…4, Bruno…4 = 13/30
Leeza Gibbons & Tony Dovolani — Fox Trot Song: Frank Sinatra, "Strangers in the night"
Leeza, the oldest woman in the competition, said the show "didn’t kill Jerry Springer. I can do it, too." As a successful businesswoman, normally in charge of her affairs, Leeza admitted to having some trouble relinquishing control and submitting to Tony’s "tough love" training.
Their performance was nice and romantic, although a bit on the slow side. Leeza’s neck and shoulders were tense, but with confidence, her carriage will relax. She’s not an actress, so she needs to work a little harder to get into character.
Bruno said Leeza was so tense and tentative, it was like she was dancing "at the edge of the Grand Canyon." Len said, "Technically it was very good. Relax and enjoy it." Carrie Ann told Leeza, "Let the confidence shine. You brought the character of the dance to life."
When asked by Samantha how she was dealing with Tony’s tough training style, Leeze replied. "I’ve talked to his wife. I know how to handle him. Tony’s a teddy bear."
Scores: Carrie Ann…5, Len…5, Bruno…5 = 15/30
Joey Fatone & Kym Johnson — Cha Cha Cha Song: Bee Gees, "You Should Be Dancing"
When not dealing with Joey’s goofball antics, Kym had to act as Joey’s fitness instructor as well. "Joey ‘Fat One’ won’t be his nickname for long," said Kym.
They danced a disco-influenced Cha Cha Cha; Joey’s white vest even said "Fatone" in rhinestones on the back. Seconds into the routine, Joey’s microphone pack came loose and began whipping about behind him. But his style was so relaxed and easy, he acted as if it hadn’t even happened. The couples’ fun attitude came through in their performance.
Carrie offered high praise: "I think the competition just began, right now." Len said simply, "That was really, really good." Bruno explained, "It’s about performing. It’s about selling. It’s about being on it, with your music and with your partner. You did all of that in spite of the little accident."
Scores: Carrie Ann…8, Len…8, Bruno…8 = 24/30
Laila Ali & Maksim Chmerkovskiy — Fox Trot Song: Marvin Gaye, "How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You)"
Laila and Maks appear to be a match made in heaven. She’s thrilled to have the opportunity to be a girly-girl for a change, and he’s happy to have found someone who appreciates his teaching philosophy: "Just do what I say, and I guarantee the result." But Maks definitely knows his limits: "I’d be absolutely crazy to get into a boxing ring with Laila. I like this face a little too much."
Laila looked lovely in her orange gown, but the rusty-brown shirt wore was not as flattering on Maks. Thanks to her boxing training, Laila is in incredible shape and has fast feet that glide across the floor. She’s already got all of the basics down, so from now on it’s all detail work. And, as far as conditioning, the dance training shouldn’t be any harder than her normal routine. Laila could be most dangerous woman in the field.
Bruno said the routine was "oozing sex appeal and allure. I cannot believe you never danced before." Carrie told Laila, "You’re seemless. You’re effortless." And Len adapted Laila’s father’s famous maxim: "Float like a butterfly… glide like a swan."
Scores: Carrie Ann…7, Len…8, Bruno…8 = 23/30
John Ratzenberger & Edyta Sliwinska — Cha Cha Cha Song: Aretha Franklin, "Chain of Fools"
After Vincent Pastore dropped out of the competition, John was brought in as a replacement. With only two weeks to train her partner, Edyta said, "This is the first time I’m more nervous than my celebrity."
Edyta returned for her fourth season in a typically skimpy Edyta outfit. If you looked like Edyta, you’d probably wear next-to-nothing, too.
Their performance didn’t look like something thrown together in just two weeks. John did a pretty credible job covering the floor, and Edyta wisely choreographed the routine to take some of the focus off of John and on herself.
Carrie Ann said, "That was surprisingly good! You’re very charismatic." Len warned John about heel leads, which are forbidden in the Latin dances, but said, "It was a good job." Bruno echoed Len’s sentiments.
When Samantha asked John about being the oldest person in the competition, John joked, "I’ll be 72 next week."
Scores: Carrie Ann…6, Len…5, Bruno…6 = 17/30
Shandi Finnessey & Brian Fortuna — Fox Trot Song: Huey Lewis & The News, "Power of Love"
When they met, Shandi and Brian said they were impressed with each other’s mutual hotness. Brian even designed a move where Shandi would grab his tush. While his intentions were surely playful, it came off as somewhat lecherous.
It took over half a show, but we finally had the first weird song selection of the season: a Fox Trot to Huey Lewis. Shandi’s beauty pageant training served her well, as she smiled through the entire routine. Technically it wasn’t bad, but their performance needs to feel more natural.
In regard to their unfailing smiles, Bruno joked, "It’s Barbie and Ken, live in your living room." Carrie told Shandi, "Your upper body is fantastic. Your lower half needs a lot of work." Len said, "I’ll give her lower half a lot of work! Hey-o!" Okay, he didn’t really. He just asked for "a little more expression, a little less aggression."
Scores: Carrie Ann…6, Len…6, Bruno…7 = 19/30
Clyde Drexler & Elena Grinenko — Cha Cha Cha Song: Stevie Wonder, "I Was Made To Love Her"
Clyde was afraid of losing his nickname, "The Glide," on the dance floor. But he was impressed with the skills of his diminutive partner: "It’s like playing basketball with Hakeem Olajuwon." (Yeah, if Hakeem were as tall as Earl Boykins.)
It’s next to impossible to look smooth when you’re 6’7" and you live in a world designed for much smaller people. Clyde had no problem gliding across the floor, but his upper body was hunched over. He’s certainly not the worst dancer of the bunch, and Elena looked wonderful. The closed hold of next week’s Quickstep may make Clyde feel more like Elena’s partner, instead of just the guy dancing next to her.
Carrie Ann emphasized, "You do glide. It’s not a disadvantage if you start to use it. I’d love to see you just expand and fill the whole dance floor when you’re dancing." Len said, "It was such a charming performance." Bruno told Clyde, "You’ve got such a lovely warmth exuding from you. You have the talent there. Big is beautiful — sell it."
Scores: Carrie Ann…6, Len…5, Bruno…5 = 16/30
Heather Mills & Jonathan Roberts — Fox Trot Song: Irving Berlin, "Dancing Cheek to Cheek"
Only upon meeting did Jonathan learn about Heather’s prosthesis. But once the couple learned how to compensate for the fact that she’s balancing on one leg, they were able to joke about it. "Why can you do spin-kick," Jonathan teased, "but we can’t do three steps forward?"
For all of the attention surrounding Heather, you wouldn’t have known this was a woman with one leg. Jonathan choreographed a pleasing routine that took advantage of all of the things that Heather can do, and minimized any complications from her prosthesis. The performance was well executed, and they looked like they had fun doing it.
Tom asked Len if they’d be judging Heather by different standards, and Len said they absolutely would not. To Heather and Jonathan, he said, "There was far more right about that routine than there was wrong." Bruno told Heather, "The thing to pick on was the top half," and he then demonstrated how Heather should properly hold her hands. Carrie said, "When you’re worried about your leg and the weight on your leg… your shoulders get very tense. You’ve got to have a little more faith in your partner, that he’s there for you."
Backstage, Heather told Samantha, "I’m just glad I didn’t fall over."
Scores: Carrie Ann…6, Len…6, Bruno…6 = 18/30
Apolo Anton Ohno & Julianne Hough Song: Denise Williams, "Let’s Hear It For the Boy"
Julianne was starstruck by Apolo when they met, and she accompanied him to Milan for a competition last week. There, one of his enthusiastic fans told her, "I’d do anything to be in Apolo’s arms."
I usually try to ignore Apolo’s unappealing patch of chin spinach, but the giant red bandana he wore as a headband somehow drew even more attention to it. When I was able to focus on the dancing, I was impressed. He moves comfortably enough that he’ll be fine once he and Julianne have had more time to train together — assuming he gives himself enough time to do so.
Bruno said, "It’s like watching Happy Feet all over again. You have probably the highest potential of all of the people I’ve seen tonight. More rehearsals; clean it up." Carrie told Apolo, "Your hip action’s pretty amazing," but warned him to stop turning his hips in when he walks. Len was already worrying about next week’s Quickstep: "Your posture isn’t great. You’ve got this stooped-over look. But well done for your Cha Cha Cha."
Scores: Carrie Ann…7, Len…7, Bruno…7 = 21/30
Leaderboard: 24 – Joey & Kym 23 – Laila & Maks 21 – Ian & Cheryl, Apolo & Julianne 19 – Paulina & Alec, Shandi & Brian 18 – Heather & Jonathan 17 – John & Edyta 16 – Clyde & Elena 15 – Leeza & Tony 13 – Billy Ray & Karina
Overall, it was an entertaining night of performances, although the two hours really seemed to drag at the end. Limiting the time couples had to prepare for the season was a positive move, as it left lots of room for improvement in the weeks to come.
There is no Results Show tomorrow night; no one will be eliminated until next Tuesday. On next week’s Performance Show, the men will dance the Quickstep and the women the Mambo.
My vote tonight goes to Heather & Jonathan, and not because I found it so inspirational or anything like that. They simply danced the routine that I would most like to try dancing myself.
If you’ve visited My Ox Is Broken in the past, you may have noticed that it now looks a bit different. Here’s the scoop on what’s changed, what hasn’t, and what’s still to come.
First, a note on the most important part of the site: its content. Kathy will continue to post her recaps. However, she’ll now also be posting news, previews, and commentary most weekdays, as well, so you’ll want to check back frequently.
The most obvious change at MOIB is the new layout. We wanted to make the site as simple to navigate as possible. We wanted the article layout to be easy on the eyes. And, yes, we wanted the site to be pretty.
The site’s new homepage has three main sections. Near the top, you’ll see our featured stories — kind of like the above-the-fold part of a newspaper. Underneath that, on the left, you’ll see a list of our last half-dozen or so articles (and a link to view the entire article archive). On the right are links to TV-related headlines from various sources, including TV Guide and Yahoo! TV.
A couple basic features are still being tested, but they should be active in a matter of days. Chief among them, I’ll be making it easier to browse articles by category. Our Google site search will also be showing up on all pages of the site. (It’s already on some of the pages)
In the coming weeks, we’ll be trying out some new features, like article comments, RSS feeds, and — while DwtS is airing — a chat page, so you can talk about the show as it happens.
As far as the site’s technology, I’ve redesigned the database and remade all the pages (formerly ASP) in ASP.NET 2.0. For those of you who don’t know what that means… it means, in layman’s terms, that I’m lucky to have ever had a girlfriend, much less a wife.
Thanks so much for visiting the site, and if you have any suggestions, go ahead and contact us.
This week’s task on The Apprentice L.A.
put Kinetic Project Manager Kristine in a difficult position. Teams
were asked to create a 45-second soap opera around Soft Scrub, to be
featured on the company’s website. Because of Muna’s attention to
detail, Kristine proposed putting Muna behind the camera.
But Muna — who has a thick Jamaican accent — said she’d prefer to be one of the actors.
Rather
than risk putting a peeved Muna in the director’s chair, Kristine
consented to let her act opposite Heidi. Then, during the film shoot,
Kristine did the unthinkable and left the set to buy props, trusting
that things would run smoothly in her absence.
Things did not run smoothly.
Muna
was excited and talking at double speed — often while Heidi was
delivering her lines. The result was a garbled, unintelligible mess.
When
Kristine returned, she immediately saw the problem and made an effort
to slow her hyperactive actress down in subsequent scenes. But she
never reviewed the two scenes that were already in the can; if she had,
there surely would’ve been retakes.
Meanwhile, James had stepped
into the role of Project Manager at Arrow. Apart from some ridiculous
overacting on the part of Tim, Nicole, and especially Frank, the
project went off without a hitch. James’s strength as a manager was
knowing when to just get out of the way.
The Soft Scrub execs
agreed that Kinetic’s mini-opera had a better premise than Arrow’s (an
adulterous friend trying to wash away the evidence vs. an interrputed
marriage proposal),. But the execs couldn’t understand a thing Muna
said.
Arrow won the task and earned themselves a lunch with the
Gubernator, Arnold Schwarzenegger, who lied and said he was excited to
meet with them. Compared to Muna’s soap opera performace, Arnold
sounded like he’d been born and raised in Cleveland.
In the
Boardroom, all signs pointed to Kristine’s firing. Her attempt to
manage Muna’s moods had sabotaged the final prodect, she left the set
at a critical point in the filming, and she didn’t integrate the
sponsor’s product well.
But then Trump asked his favorite Olympian, Angela, who she’d rather have on her team. She said she’d keep Kristine.
Muna,
fired up and fighting for her life, called out her closest ally, Heidi,
and asked who she’d rather have on her team, assuming that the answer
would be her. This bold (foolish?) move amused Trump, and he pressed
Heidi for her answer.
Heidi acted as if Trump had just tossed
Kristine and Muna into the ocean, and she was holding the only
lifering. She fought against answering the question for ages, until she
finally said, “Kristine.”
Muna was not pleased. Heidi tried to
play politics and offer some explanation for why, up until this point,
she’d been telling Muna she preferred working with her. But it didn’t
matter. Muna’s fate was sealed, and she was fired.
Next week,
the teams are reorganized. James volunteers Nicole to join the other
team against her wishes, and Nicole isn’t happy about it.
Until we’ve seen them dance in Monday’s premiere, it’s completely impossible to predict how the cast of Dancing with the Stars 4 will fare. But that’s not going to stop me from trying.
Obviously,
the best dancers should stick around for a while, and most
of the uncoordinated oafs will be eliminated early. But talent
isn’t the only thing that matters on DwtS.
Here are my predictions for the order of elimination, before we’ve seen a single chasse.
Last season, I predicted Mario would finish ninth and Emmitt fifth. And
I picked Harry to win. So, while preseason prognostication isn’t my
strong suit, it’s still fun to guess.
11. Shandi Finnessey & Brian Fortuna For whatever reason, a large chunk of the DwtS
fanbase has an aversion to voting for beautiful, blonde celebs
(e.g., Stacy Keibler, Shanna Moakler, Willa Ford, and Rachel Hunter). Regardless of how well they danced, these women all had trouble garnering audience votes over an extended period.
Shandi
Finnessey is a blonde beauty queen, which could make her Public Enemy
Number One. Unless Shandi dyes her hair, performs sans makeup and
wearing a burlap sack, there’s little that her partner Brian Fortuna
can do to save her.
How They Could Win: Unless Shandi proves early on that she’s as congenial as she is pretty, they probably can’t.
10. Clyde Drexler & Elena Grinenko Before
appearing on the show, Emmitt Smith and Jerry Rice were already
household names. Clyde Drexler might be a hit with NBA fans, but I’m
betting that most people don’t know much about him. If ABC wanted
someone over six-and-a-half feet tall, they should’ve cast Gheorghe Muresan. At least he’s been in movies.
Elena
Grinenko and Tucker Carlson were the first couple eliminated last
season, and I don’t expect she’ll last much longer this time. She’s beautiful to watch, but her skill will be overshadowed by her oversized partner.
How They Could Win: Charm might buy them a few weeks, but I doubt they’ll win.
9. Heather Mills & Jonathan Roberts You don’t have to conduct any polls to know that fans of Sir Paul McCartney (you know, the British Peter Tork)
absolutely HATE Heather Mills. Heather will probably get a pass for the
first couple weeks, before the sympathetic — or morbidly curious —
lose interest and cast their votes elsewhere.
Jonathan Roberts
performed well in Season One, but he himself is not a draw. All he can
do is make Heather look good before their time runs out.
How They Could Win: If Heather’s fake leg flies off and knocks out Samantha Harris, earning Heather the respect of viewers everywhere.
8. Leeza Gibbons & Tony Dovolani Are
there any hardcore Leeza Gibbons fans out there? In another season she
might have been a top contender, but she’s a comparative guppy in this
pool of c-list sharks.
After being partnered with a sub-par
dancer last season, Tony Dovolani should be motivated to go all out.
Any early trips to the Bottom Two could rattle his confidence, though,
and he’s not nearly so endearing when he’s grumpy — as happened near
the end of Season 2.
How They Could Win:
If their routines are especially exciting and Leeza is much more
engaging than her competitors off the floor (she has no shortage of
experience being in front of the camera), they might stick around a
while. But winning might be asking a bit much.
7. John Ratzenberger & Edyta Sliwinska John Ratzenberger will be funny and likable, but haven’t we seen enough slow moving old dudes on DwtS?
They always seem destined to finish in the middle of the pack. Poor
Edyta. Didn’t she already pay her dues by dancing with George Hamilton and Evander Holyfield?
How They Could Win:
Sadly for Edyta, I doubt they can. Even if Ratzenberger wins over the
viewing audience, the judges will probably compensate by giving very
low scores in the later rounds.
6. Apolo Anton Ohno & Julianne Hough Except
for the marquee events, I don’t even know what demographics watch the
Olympics, anymore. I generally see just enough to know the top
Americans in most sports — and which other competitors have cool
nicknames, like The White Sausage. Ohno is no sausage, but he has won a bunch of medals, so I (and, I suspect, most casual Olympic viewers) at least know who he is.
Julianne Hough is a new cast member who could make a big impression on fans. She’s cute as a button
and barely out of high school; every preteen girl is going to want to
be her. Don’t be surprised if your adolescent neighbors have Apolo’s
voting number in their Five.
Apolo’s
biggest hurdle could be finding enough time to practice. Because of
Ohno’s skating schedule, he’s had only a couple weeks to get ready.
How They Could Win:
Apolo & Julianne are my sleeper pick this season. If they’re cute
and endearing — and he picks up the moves quickly — there’s a chance
they could sneak their way to the top.
5. Laila Ali & Maksim Chmerkovskiy Laila
Ali is beautiful and she could beat the crap out of you. On top of
that, there’s a chance that her famous dad might show up for a taping
of the show.
But she’s paired with Maksim Chmerkovskiy. I’m not
saying that Maks is the world’s hunkiest albatross, but he’s placed in
the Bottom Two during the first episode of each season he’s been on.
And despite subsequent strong performances, he and his partners have
always been eliminated before their season’s token old men. Here’s
hoping he breaks that curse this season.
How They Could Win:
Sexy routines, perfect execution, and positive attitudes. If they can
avoid the Bottom Two for the first few weeks, consider them contenders.
4. Billy Ray Cyrus & Karina Smirnoff BRC
is a country star with a show on the Disney Channel. A built-in fanbase
like that should be the kiss of death for his competitors. But there
could be some backlash against last season’s trend, when country star
Sara Evans enjoyed massive audience support, despite her poor dancing.
Billy Ray might not be able to win over the new fans he needs to take
the trophy. Then again, he might… if he promises to regrow his once-fearsome mullet.
Karina
Smirnoff is an amazing dancer, and I’m excited to see how she adjusts
to a celeb who’s not a ringer. But her cranky demeanor last season
rubbed some show fans the wrong way. Also, I’m scared she’s going to
work some stupid line dancing gimmick into their early routines. An
excess of boot scooting would be a major turn-off.
How They Could Win: ABC threatens to air nothing but Hannah Montana marathons on (fellow Disney affiliate) ESPN unless Cyrus gets the trophy.
3. Paulina Porizkova & Alec Mazo Paulina
Porizkova & Alec Mazo are hands-down the most attractive couple in
the cast. I’d be content to watch them shovel crap. If they get
eliminated early, maybe they can guest host an episode of Dirty Jobs. Paulina’s modeling experience should lend their performances a poise that the other female celebs may lack.
Except
for the first season, female celebrities haven’t fared nearly as well
in the voting as their male counterparts have (and Kelly Monaco’s
victory was challenged in a rematch). Hopefully, Paulina and the other
women will get a fairer shake this time, but I’m not optimistic that a
female celebrity will win Dancing with the Stars.
How They Could Win:
If female fans can resist the urge to vote for the cutest male
celebrity, no matter what, then Paulina & Alec have a great chance.
2. Joey Fatone & Kym Johnson As a former member of ‘N Sync, Joey Fatone has the same boy band experience that helped Drew Lachey win DwtS 2.
Joey’s used to playing to a live audience, he has some dance
experience, and, if his promotional photos are any indication, he’s
having a great time. That’s always the key to winning fans’ hearts.
Joey
also has a great partner. Kym Johnson was able to make Jerry Springer
look like a good dancer, so she’s sure to do an incredible job with a
partner 30 years Jerry’s junior.
So why don’t I think they’ll win? See couple number one below.
How They Could Win: Joey & Kym are so undeniably happy and fun to watch that the audience can’t help but vote for them.
1. Ian Ziering & Cheryl Burke Sorry,
Ian. The reason you’re ranked first has little to do with you, and
everything to do with your partner. Cheryl Burke has led her partners
to victory the last two seasons, and I’m not about to challenge
historical precedent.
Frankly, I’m surprised producers didn’t
pair Cheryl with someone over 60 just to level the playing field. As
long as Cheryl sticks with her winning formula — playing to her
partner’s strengths and enabling him to look effortless in sometimes
cheeky routines — Ian is a heavy favorite to win this season’s trophy.
How They Could Lose:
They’re at risk if Ian moves like a gorilla or acts like one in his
interview segments. They shouldn’t be an early boot, no matter what,
but Ian should work at being the most charming guy out there. Time to
flash that Steve Sanders smile.
Aspiring beauticians take heed: the women of Mozambique have very low standards when it comes to their manicures.
Teams
remained in Ushuaia, Argentina, for the first task of this leg,
searching the Martial Glacier for a clue. Ozzy & Danny had trouble
figuring out how to use their avalanche beacon to locate a clue buried
in the snow, and even finished behind Beauty Queens Dustin &
Kandice, who originally ran straight to the glacier without picking up
a beacon.
Luckily for Ozzy & Danny, their deficient
search-and-rescue skills didn’t hurt them. All of the teams ended up on
the same flight to their next destination: Maputo, Mozambique.
For
their first task in Africa, one member of each team completed a
Roadblock involving rats. And we’re not talking your typical New York
subway-type rats. These rats were the size of cats and cuter than their
American cousins, with cool names like Xena and Tupac.
In
Mozambique, rats are trained to sniff out undetonated mines buried in
the ground. Racers attached adorable little harnesses to their rats and
guided them along a short course. When the rat began to dig, a man with
a metal detector confirmed the presence of a mine (already disabled, of
course) and dug up a buried clue.
The racers seemed to form
attachments quickly to their rats. Ian was encouraging: “C’mon, Tupac,
find me a mine!” And Ozzy promised to liberate his rat: “I’ll set you
free after, and take you to a nice lab, where they’ll apply make-up to
you.”
Joe’s rat, Nelson, found the clue first. It directed teams to look for a cluebox at Praca Dos Trabalhadores in Maputo.
Charla’s
rat was more interested in grooming himself than hunting for mines, and
the cousins were the last team to leave the Roadblock. But they weren’t
out of the running, yet.
While most of the teams took a
circuitous route back to Maputo, Charla & Mirna followed a road
that led them straight to the heart of the city. They reached the
cluebox in third place.
The clue was a Detour: Pamper or Porter.
In Pamper, teams drove to a market and picked up a manicure kit. They
needed to earn 30 Meticals (US$1) by convincing women to let them paint
their nails.
In Porter, teams drove to a different market where
they filled ten 45 lb. bags with coal and sewed the bags shut. Then
they carried one bag to a nearby address to receive their next clue.
Most
of the teams chose Porter, assuming that the more physically demanding
task is usually the more straightforward. What they didn’t know is that
many women at the market were willing to pay at least 10 Meticals for a
polish application, making Pamper the much faster of the two Detours.
Bill
& Joe and Ozzy & Danny, the two teams most likely to discuss
their own manicures, chose Porter — and quickly regretted it. They
worked under the hot sun, and filling the bags was hard, messy work.
The
men’s arms were covered in soot, and as they rubbed the sweat from
their faces, Joe & Bill inadvertently gave themselves Hitler-style
moustaches. His own face covered in soot, Danny asked Ozzy, “Do I look
like Rambo?” Ozzy replied, “You look like a faggy raccoon.”
At
the other market, Charla & Mirna got right to work, even soliciting
men for manicures. After a couple of men took them up on their offer,
Mirna said, “I’m glad they have metrosexuals everywhere in the world.”
After
earning more than enough money, Charla & Mirna received a clue
directing them to the Pit Stop at Fortaleza, the oldest building in
Maputo. The cousins arrived in first place and won a trip to Aruba.
The
Beauty Queens also (fittingly) chose to give manicures. Kandice gave a
free manicure to a cute little girl who didn’t have the money to pay.
Their smart Detour choice got them to the Pit Stop in second place.
Uchenna
& Joyce and Eric & Danielle decided to do Porter. Teri &
Ian had intended to do the same, but their driver took them to the
market featuring the Pamper Detour. Ian was skeptical about their
chance of success and wanted to leave. But Teri convinced him to spend
five minutes trying to drum up business.
It paid off, as they
earned all the money they needed from just two manicures. Teri gave two
of the sloppiest polish jobs I’ve ever seen — almost worth the 50
cents they each cost. Thanks to their driver’s error, Teri & Ian
finished the leg in third place.
One by one, the teams from the
Porter task filtered in to the Pit Stop. Ozzy & Danny finished in
fourth place, checking in only after Oswald spent a few minutes chasing
host Phil Keoghan, threatening him with sooty hugs.
They were followed by Joe & Bill, who beat Eric & Danielle in a footrace to the finish mat.
Uchenna
& Joyce arrived last but were not eliminated. Instead, they were
Marked for Elimination, meaning that they’ll face a 30-minute penalty
if they fail to finish the next leg in first place.
Next week,
things look bleak for Uchenna & Joyce, as Uchenna struggles during
a Roadblock. And Danielle threatens to quit racing after she and Eric
are removed from a plane.
Surya’s days were numbered the moment he joined the dysfunctional Arrow Corporation. He finally had to pay the price on The Apprentice: L.A., when his team’s luck ran out and his lack of leadership skills was exposed.
Teams had to design a halftime show to promote GNC. The show was then performed at an L.A. Galaxy soccer game.
Kristy
of Kinetic Corp. had experience planning this kind of event, and she
went with the classic on-field race of the oversized mascots. It works
every time. Need proof? Watch these sausages:
Kinetic
ran several giant vitamins around obstacles like Osteoporosis and Heart
Disease, while Angela narrated the race in an incomprehensible,
screeching voice. To cater to the Spanish speakers in the crowd, Muna
narrated some of the race in that language, as well.
So far,
Muna’s only positive contribution to her team seems to be her
Spanish-speaking skills. She spent the rest of this task micromanaging
and questioning the abilities of the professional prop builders and
trying to undermine Kristy’s authority.
Still, Kinetic was in
much better shape than Arrow. Tim had the dumb idea of staging a mock
boxing match between Average Joe (played by Tim, of course) vs. Life
(symbolized by four guys dressed like high school goths). Only after
some assistance from GNC Vitamin Guy (played by James in a costume that
looked like a big tube of lipstick) could Average Joe beat life’s
problems.
Not only was the story lame, but it relied heavily on
narration — not exactly the kind of spectacle that plays well in front
of tens of thousands of fans. Frank’s voice was fine for the
announcing, but the story went on and on.
Only after buying
their props and writing their script did James mention that perhaps the
team’s idea wasn’t a good one. Since it was too late to change course,
the complaint was little more than James pre-planning his own defense
when they wound up in the Boardroom.
And wind up in the Boardroom they did. However, according to a fan who attended the Galaxy game, Kinetic didn’t win by as big of a margin as producers would have you believe.
In
the Boardroom, Surya blamed the loss on Tim’s stupid idea and James’s
complaining. Surya railed against James for his “disloyalty” — an
argument that seemed pretty flimsy when Surya followed it up by saying
he wished that he’d never left Kinetic, as they were the superior team.
Tim
displayed some surprising honesty, once he realized that he was in no
danger of being fired. When James attacked Surya for going with the
first concept suggested, Tim backed up Surya (instead of his buddy,
James) and said that the PM had actually asked several times for more
ideas.
Just as it seemed he had a chance, Surya made the perfect
argument for his own elimination. He proudly announced that he is a
great team member, just not a great leader.
After hearing that,
Trump fired Surya. And, like any true bitterman, Surya sulked, “It just
shows that the best person doesn’t always win.” Maybe. But neither will
you, Surya.
Next week, the candidates head to Hollywood and the feud between Kristy and Muna heats up.
One good result of tonight’s episode of The Amazing Race: All Stars
is that the other teams will now have to find something besides Rob
& Amber to focus on. As for me, I’ll actually miss them a bit. I
didn’t want them to win, but they never made for boring TV.
Teams
started the leg in Petrohue, Chile, and flew to Punta Arenas, Chile, to
search for a wrecked ship. The last two teams to leave the Pit Stop,
The Guidos and Charla & Mirna, missed the first flight, putting
them almost two hours behind the pack.
In fairness, Charla &
Mirna have more to overcome than their competitors. If you don’t
believe me (and I myself don’t), just ask Mirna. According to her: “I
do more than any one single person has probably ever had to do on the
race to compensate for any shortcomings that we have.”
At
the shipwreck, teams found a Detour — Navigate It or Sign It — that
drew on the region’s connection to explorer Ferdinand Magellan.
In
Navigate It, teams used maps and a compass to find a building housing a
deep-sea salvage business. In Sign It, teams had to use another map to
correctly identify and spell the fourteen stops on Magellan’s voyage,
and then arrange them correctly on a vertical signpost.
Oswald
& Danny, Eric & Danielle, and Teri & Ian immediately chose
Navigate It. This turned out to be the much simpler task because there
was only one way to screw it up — you were either walking the right
direction, or you weren’t.
On the other hand, Rob & Amber, Uchenna & Joyce, and the Beauty Queens each found a different way to fail at Sign It.
Rob
& Amber got the order of the ports correct, but misspelled
Philippines (as “Phillipeans”). Uchenna & Joyce thought that the
legendary Portugese explorer started his voyage in Guam, instead of
Seville. And Dustin & Kandice invented extra rules to follow,
halting their progress.
Uchenna & Joyce were the only ones
to figure out their error, but they didn’t do it quickly enough. The
three teams who’d chosen Navigate It had already taken all of the seats
on the first of two charter planes to their next destination: Ushuaia,
Argentina. The second charter would leave three hours later than the
first.
The Beauty Queens suggested working together with Rob
& Amber on Navigate It, rather than allowing the Guidos and Charla
& Mirna to catch up. Unfortunately, the sign debacle had shattered
Rob’s confidence, and he started making mistakes that hurt both teams.
As
the teams tried to figure out their compasses, the Guidos (whose flight
had landed two hours later) ran right past them, mid-Detour. Then, Rob
led the teams to a naval museum instead of the salvage company. After
finally finding their clue, Kandice observed, “I don’t think that
teaming up with Rob & Amber was necessarily helpful.”
Meanwhile,
Charla & Mirna worked against themselves, spending more time
arguing about their slow progress than picking up the pace. They were
lucky that there were only two charter flights.
When the first
flight arrived in Ushuaia, teams rode to the seaside Playa Larga to
look for their next clue. Teri & Ian ran down the first trail they
saw, in the opposite direction of the trail marked with red-and-yellow Amazing Race flags.
Ozzy
& Danny and Eric & Danielle found the clue first, directing
them to Isla Redonda, the southernmost point of South America. Ferries
to the island ran every 20 minutes, and each could carry a maximum of
two teams.
Eric & Danielle and Ozzy & Danny shared the first ferry, and Teri & Ian caught the second.
On
Isla Redonda, teams entered “The Post Office at the End of the World”
for their next Roadblock. One team member sorted through a large bag of
mail looking for a letter addressed to his team.
Ozzy, Eric, and
eventually Teri did the sorting, and were pleased to discover that
their letters were written by another team from their original season.
Ozzy & Danny heard from Blake & Paige, Eric & Danielle from
their former partners Jeremy and Dani, and Teri & Ian get a letter
from Season 3 winners Flo & Zach.
After reading their letter
and getting their clue, Ozzy & Danny ran to the Pit Stop, finished
the leg in first place, and won a trip to Maui. When Danny asked Phil
Keoghan if he’d like to join them on vacation, Phil replied, “That’s a
whole different reality show.”
Eric & Danielle came in second, followed by Teri & Ian in third.
When
the second charter arrived, the Guidos, Uchenna & Joyce, and the
Beauty Queens got the only cabs outside the airport, and Rob &
Amber and Charla & Mirna were forced to wait. The lead teams found
their clue with no problems and gathered at the dock to wait for the
ferry.
After finally hailing cabs, Rob & Amber reached Playa
Larga first and ran down the same incorrect path that Teri & Ian
had. Amber realized they’d gone the wrong way, and they turned around.
As they approached Charla & Mirna, Amber shouted, “I got it!” and
Rob waved an old clue around.
For just a moment, Charla &
Mirna believed Amber, and they continued down the wrong path. When they
realized they’d been had, they cursed Amber as a liar and turned around.
Of
the teams still racing, The Guidos and the Beauty Queens were on the
first ferry to Isla Redonda. The Guidos got a nonsensical rhyme from
Frank, one half of Frank & Margaretta. The Beauty Queens received a
kind letter from Lyn, the nicer half of their Season 10 arch-rivals,
Lyn & Karlyn.
Season 7 rivals Uchenna & Joyce and Rob
& Amber travelled in the next ferry. Uchenna & Joyce got a
letter from Susan & Patrick, encouraging them not to trust “you
know who.” (Rob & Amber, of course)
As Rob sifted through
his sack of mail, Charla & Mirna showed up. When Mirna found her
team’s letter first, they taunted Rob & Amber, Charla going so far
as to call Amber, “Lying bitch!”
Fittingly, the cousins’ letter
was from Marshall & Lance, the two brothers famous for coining
“Mirna & Schmirna,” and for driving by Mirna and yelling out,
“Bitch!” during Season 5. The pizza-making brothers hoped for the
cousins’ swift elimination.
Rob found his team’s letter, which
was also from Susan & Patrick. Like Marshall & Lance, the
mother-son duo took the opportunity to hurl childish remarks, while
their targets were half-a-world away. Patrick wished car trouble and
starvation upon Rob & Amber.
Not knowing how far this
season’s biggest threats were behind them, Mirna screamed at Charla,
“Level 5! Level 5!” Whatever the hell it meant, it worked, and Charla
& Mirna finished second to last, again.
Rob & Amber
reached the finish mat and were informed that they’d been eliminated
from the race. They lied and said they were happy just to have had the
chance to compete again.
Next week, expect many of the teams to
attribute Rob & Amber’s elimination to some kind of karmic
retribution. Also, teams take part in a challenge involving a giant rat
— and Joyce is the only one who thinks the rat is cute. I guess that
explains Uchenna. (Zing!)
Even though Moto continues to dominate challenges — and Ravu finds
innovative ways to lose — the tribes may be more similar than they
might appear. All the men of Survivor: Fiji have one thing in common: they can’t stand the women.
The
episode started with another lopsided Reward Challenge, in which Moto
demolished Ravu. Members of each tribe faced off in sumo-style matches,
using a padded bolster to push their opponents out of the ring.
Everyone
matched up with an opponent of the same gender for the first six
matches. Yau Man and Stacy were the last competitors for their teams
and had to face off against each other. It was the only match that Ravu
won, and Yau Man received tepid applause from his teammates.
Moto
claimed the spoils of victory: more fishing gear, a pot full of
potatoes, a basket of toiletries, and a tray of equipment for brewing
coffee. They also sent Earl to Exile Island.
It was back at camp
that the first real social rifts in Moto were exposed. Dreamz didn’t
know how to use a French press to make coffee, and because he wasn’t a
part of her alliance, Stacy wouldn’t tell him. She and Lisi almost went
out of their way to be rude to Dreamz. (They didn’t show Cassandra how
to use the press, either, so she was also stuck sipping coffee grounds.)
Alex
pulled Stacy aside and tried to explain why it was in the alliance’s
best interests to keep outcasts Dreamz and Cassandra happy. Assuming
that the teams are to merge when there are ten survivors left, if Moto
won every challenge until then, the balance of power would be 7-3.
If
Dreamz and Cassandra defect — or as Alex put it, “deflect” — to Ravu,
the teams would be tied at 5-5. Moto would lose the advantage it had
worked so hard to earn from its run of challenge victories.
Stacy
was not convinced by Alex’s logic, and she planned to continue being
rude to Dreamz and Cassandra. So did Lisi. So did Boo.
Alex sat
on a hill screaming, “Kill me! Kill me! God, kill me now!” after his
words failed to sink in with his foolish alliance members. Only Edgardo
agreed with Alex, but stupidity still ruled the alliance, 3-2.
The
men of Ravu were similarly suffering at their camp. Anthony, Mookie,
Rocky, and Yau Man could only pretend to sleep as Rita and Michelle
discussed in detail the intricacies of their makeup routines.
Rita
also said that, despite what some people thought, she was actually a
very low-maintenance kind of girl — a lie born of willful ignorance.
Women, if people think you are high-maintenance, it’s because you are.
Sorry.
The girl talk was bad enough that Rocky pulled Anthony
aside so that they could bond by complaining about Rita, even though
days before Rocky had been trying to vote Anthony out of the tribe.
When
the teams met for the Immunity Challenge, it seemed like the playing
field had finally been leveled. The tribes played a good, old-fashioned
game of Memory.
One at a time, a member of each team flipped
over a card attached to an easel and searched for its match among a
couple dozen other easels. All of the competitors could see the cards
as they were flipped, but were not allowed to offer help to the players
on the field.
Yau Man made an early mistake when he forgot the
location of a card he’d seen less than a minute before. Later, the
teams were tied,when Rocky’s turn came up for the winning point.
Everyone offered him suggestions on which cards to flip, and Rocky’s
exhausted, malnourished brain simply couldn’t process all of the
information.
He walked out onto the field, flipped over one
card, and realized he had no idea what to do next, even though the
matching card had recently been shown. Rocky ended his turn without a
match. Cassandra went next and quickly handed Moto yet another victory.
Rocky
took the blame for the loss when Ravu got back to camp, but his team
only briefly considered eliminating him. The girls still wanted to get
rid of Anthony, and Rocky was done listening to Rita.
At Tribal Council, the men of Ravu decided that Rita was way more annoying than Anthony, and Rita was eliminated.
Survivor
takes a brief hiatus next week due to the NCAA basketball tournament.
It will return with a new episode on Wednesday, March 21. That episode
promises a twist — which, according to the previews, looks like a
chance for the Survivors to switch teams.
If Alex is really as
smart as he seems to be, as soon as Dreamz and Cassandra start walking
toward the Ravu tribe (which you know they will), he should follow
right along.
If Alex stays with his Coalition of the Stupid,
he’s doomed. But if he “deflects” to Ravu, he might have a chance. A
foursome of Alex, Cassandra, Anthony, and Earl could make it very far
in the game.
We’ll see what happens. This episode, with its
coffee incident and Alex’s inability to sway his teammates, could wind
up being the pivotal 60 minutes of the season.
In the boardroom, Donald Trump managed to turn an otherwise uneventful episode of The Apprentice into a memorable one — thanks to a little help from Derek and Jenn.
This
week’s task was boring: throw a party for Lexus owners to show off a
new car model. Team Arrow, renewed by several days of mansion living,
did just enough to win the task. Bring out a few trays of fancy snacks,
let the fat cats drive the car around the parking lot, and bingo —
easy victory.
It should be noted that Stefani and Frank set the
entire event up themselves, with no help from inept Project Manager
Surya, who was too busy writing strategy notes on a dry erase board to
actually implement any strategy.
Jenn was eager to prove herself
and took the helm as Project Manager of the tent-dwelling Team Kinetic.
The team sat quietly for three hours, at which point “Creative Team
Leader” Angela admitted that she had no ideas for the event.
The
group decided to call their event “The Sixth Sense of Luxury” and
wanted a supernatural theme. So Derek — just throwing out ideas —
suggested go-karts and a magician. For some reason, Jenn agreed.
Kinetic’s
event ran as well as it could have (i.e., terribly). Jenn stumbled
through a presentation about the new car, and then customers weren’t
even allowed to take the car for a spin. Instead, skirt-clad women
tried to demurely wedge themselves into tiny go-karts. Not exactly the
image of luxury Lexus had hoped to present.
Trump’s viceroy for the week, Apprentice 4
winner Randal, announced Arrow’s victory in the Boardroom. The winners
got the chance to rap with Snoop Dogg, although I use the term “rap”
loosely.
In the Boardroom, Trump tried to figure out who to
blame for Kinetic’s loss. Derek admitted to suggesting the go-karts, in
part, he said, because he was “white trash” and didn’t know how to
throw a party for wealthy Lexus owners.
Trump became incensed at
the term “white trash,” called Derek stupid, and fired him on the spot.
But the others weren’t off the hook just yet.
Randal had a
million questions for Kinetic, specifically Angela and Jenn. He
interrupted Trump several times to ask his questions before Trump
finally told him to shut up. Meanwhile, Surya, predictably, said
nothing.
Muna, Kristine, and Heidi all agreed that Jenn’s
decision to use the go-karts was the team’s downfall, and it became
clear that Jenn’s number was up. Trump said to Jenn, “Your team didn’t
have great respect for you.”
Jenn smiled at Trump and said,
“Before you fire me, can I just say one thing? Because I know you’re
about to do it.” Trump allowed Jenn her final words.
Jenn turned
to her team and asked about Trump’s comment that they didn’t respect
her. Heidi spoke for the team and said, “We respect you.”
Trump
said, “Fine. They respect you. Jennifer, you’re fired.” As she stood to
leave, Jennifer said she’d had fun and that her teammates were “great.”
After
a group hug in the driveway, Jenn got in her chauffeured car and drove
off. As she departed, Jenn said cheerfully, “You never know who’s gonna
be the next Apprentice. It’s not me!”
Finally, someone kept this damned show in perspective. As far as I can tell, all that winning The Apprentice allows you to do is fill in as a viceroy when Trump’s kids are busy.
And,
as has been the case in the past few seasons, this season has no real
stars. Heidi and Stefani have shown to have some leadership ability,
and Muna and Kristine have displayed some competence.
But would you hire any of the other jabronis
to mow your lawn, let alone run a company? I don’t think so. How much
value would a victory over these clowns be worth anyway? Jenn correctly
figured the answer: not much.
My Ox Is Broken 
