On this week’s Rock Star: Supernova performance show, Dilana,
Lukas, and Magni continued to cruise. A Runaway Train derailed Toby a
bit. And Zayra turned a sickening, saccharine R.E.M. song into
something that was (Am I really typing this?) pretty good!

Patrice – “Helter Skelter” by The Beatles
Patrice’s
affected Texas twang spilled through into the song, which at least
distracted me from her highlights. She sang fine, but she’s just not my
kind of performer. I can’t shake the suspicion that she’d come off
better in intimate clubs than she does over the airwaves.

Josh – “Come As You Are” by Nirvana
For
some reason, Josh thought that an acoustic rendition of the song would
show his edgy side. By singing out of one side of his pinched mouth, he
sounded just like Tracy Chapman. The members of Supernova were not
impressed.

The problem with Josh is his desire to be the next
White Guy With Soul. There’s a long tradition of wanna-be-soulful white
guys: The Blues Brothers, Michael McDonald, Steve Winwood, Rick Astley,
and last season’s Ty Taylor. Unfortunately, America recently crowned
its newest White Guy With Soul when Taylor Hicks won American Idol. You’re a few months too late, Josh.

Storm – “Just What I Needed” by The Cars
Storm
still couldn’t get the Broadway out of her voice. This tendency will
probably put her out of the running for the job. Tommy’s performance
advice for Storm was that she should wear less clothing, because he’d
like to see more of her. Tommy’s compulsive need to remind everyone
that he is VERY HETEROSEXUAL is almost as grating as Tom Cruise’s. At
least Cruise has been in hiding lately, while he pretends to be a
father.

Lukas – “Let’s Spend the Night Together” by The Rolling Stones
Lukas
didn’t heed any of the voice coach’s advice about not singing from the
throat. But he does have charisma for a guy with skunk hair. And Gilby
liked the goth arrangement after all.

Jill – “All Right Now” by Free
Jill
wore some unfortunate porn star lipstick, but did an admirable job with
a song that has always lacked a certain punch for me. After her second
strong performance in a row — last week’s elimination show and tonight
— Gilby said, “Finally, I can imagine us behind you.” In his mind,
Tommy pumped his fist and said, “You got that right. She’s like a tiny
Pam.”

Ryan – “Fortunate Son” by Creedence Clearwater Revival
Yeeeaaaahhhh,
man! CCR! Too bad Ryan was totally bland. Gilby said Ryan didn’t look
like he was having any fun while he was performing. Ryan responded that
it was time to clear up the misconception that he never smiled. He
lowered his mic, looked at the camera, and smiled for ten seconds.
Funny, but probably not enough to keep him out of the bottom three.

Phil – “White Rabbit” by Jefferson Airplane
Jason
joined Phil on stage to play bass for the song, where Phil got in the
way of a Newsted head bang and received a split lip. This was Phil’s
best performance so far, but that’s not saying much.

Dana – “It’s My Life” by Bon Jovi
Dana
has consistently given off the vibe that she’d be the most rocking
counselor at a Baptist summer camp. She needs to go home, and I think
she will. Soon.

Toby – “Runaway Train” by Soul Asylum
Another lame song, and it zapped Toby of his cool Toby powers. Dave took a nap during the song, and I wanted to do the same.

Magni – “Plush” by Stone Temple Pilots
With
his hideous oversized sunglasses, Magni was trying to be either
Icelandic Bono (“Feed the hungry!”) or Icelandic Elderly Man (“Look
out, Farmer’s Market!”). This is kind of a dumb song too, but Magni has
magnetism. And tight jeans. I think I saw mini-Magni. (His Magni-toe?)

Zayra – “Everybody Hurts” by R.E.M.
Her
arrangement turned this into an Enya song, but, for the first time, her
La Vida Bjorka voice sounded pretty good. At the end of the
performance, she let out some screams that actually gave me goosebumps.
In a good way, even.

Jenny – “Drive” by Incubus
Jenny
performed a jangly, hippie-girl, indie-pop version of this song that
Gilby said was too Lillith Fair, and not enough OzzFest. I like Jenny,
just not as a member of this band. Get her on a double bill with Suzie
McNeil, and I’m there.

Dilana – “Zombie” by The Cranberries
Supernova
probably wishes they could boot everyone else right now and just pick
Dilana. She has a cool voice and great stage presence. She’s a Hot
Topic Stevie Nicks. Even the lighting crew went over the top for her.

It
seems like Dilana’s got this thing in the bag. But don’t forget that,
at this time last season, it seemed like there was no way that Jordis
could lose. It’s too early to hand the job to Dilana, even though she’s
got a significant edge on the competition.

Best Performances:
Dilana
Lukas
Magni

Worst Performances:
Josh
Dana
Ryan

Early Bottom Three:
Jenny
Dana
Ryan

I
wouldn’t be surprised if the early bottom three sticks as the final
bottom three. My vote went to Magni. His experience and confidence will
help him to improve each week, hopefully peaking when he’s in the final
three.

Fears of picking the wrong song have turned the contestants on Rock Star: Supernova into a bunch of desperados. Suddenly, Lukas isn’t the only villain living in the Hotel California.

Of
course, Lukas had to start this week’s reality episode by blurting out
something he shouldn’t have. As the rockers raised a toast to the
ousted Chris, Lukas said that, were he in Supernova, he would’ve
eliminated someone else.

The band’s only other two elimination
options this past week, Zayra and Jill, didn’t appreciate Lukas’s
statement. Jill asked a question wondered by many: “Why can’t he just
keep his mouth shut?”

Lukas finally did just that the next day,
at the rockers’ first clinic. While waiting for his turn to sing in
front of vocal coach Liz Lewis, he fidgeted nervously and quietly with
his beard.

Reluctantly, he snarled the Heart song “What About
Love,” and Liz told him exactly what Jason Newsted did last week: Lukas
is ruining his vocal chords. Coming from a professional voice coach,
rather than a has-been bassist, Lukas seemed to take her warnings more
seriously.

Dilana emerged from the clinic as the singer with
perhaps the greatest potential. She started her lesson insisting that
her range was limited. But when Liz forced her to sing in a higher key,
Dilana was delighted to hear that her voice sounded stronger and more
beautiful when she wasn’t growling.

The following day,
friendships were tested during this week’s song selection. Josh was the
first to spot the posted songs, and he decided on his favorite before
telling the others that the songs were up.

When everyone entered
the room, Toby said that he’d keep a tally of who was interested in
each song. But Josh declared that he’d be taking “Come As You Are” by
Nirvana. When Dana — probably the only contestant who would do a worse
job with the song –tried to negotiate with him, Josh sat on the sheet
music.

Following Josh’s lead, and ignoring Toby’s requests that
everyone adhere to his list system, Patrice grabbed the music for
“Helter Skelter” by The Beatles. Jill, who’d been deciding between that
song and a few others, confronted Patrice about her aggressive act.

As
they argued, Patrice played both aggressor and victim. First, she held
up a finger and asked Jill, “Were you passionate about it?” as if her
desire for the song gave her more leverage to pick it over any other
contestant. Then, after going on the attack, Patrice informed Jill that
her perception of events was simply a misinterpretation.

Jill
said that their conflict wasn’t about the song but Patrice’s refusal to
negotiate. Jill said, “I don’t need to do it [the song].”

Interpreting the comment as a dig, Patrice shot back, “Don’t think I need to do it, ’cause you know I don’t.”

As Patrice walked away, Jill yelled, “Maybe you do. That’s why you’re so ‘passionate’ about it.”

In
rehearsal with the House Band, Zayra came up with a goofy arrangement
for her song, “Everybody Hurts” by R.E.M. As she described what she
wanted, Jim the guitarist said, “What you’re describing sounds like an
orchestra.”

Zayra casually replied, “That’s fine.”

Jim pointed out the obvious: “We’re not an orchestra.”

Things
didn’t go much better for the band during their rehearsal with Lukas.
He tried to improve “Let’s Spend the Night Together” by the Rolling
Stones by adding some Marilyn Manson-type loop effects to it.

The
Band members all shrugged an went along with it, but keyboard player
Paul predicted a bad outcome for Lukas on performance night.
Apparently, Gilby Clarke is a huge Rolling Stones fan and won’t
appreciate the way Lukas tampered with one of that band’s classics.

Somehow, the tone-deaf, vocally-challenged, combative Zayra survived this week’s elimination episode of Rock Star: Supernova.
Maybe the band likes her chutzpah. Maybe the producers think
she makes for good car-wreck TV (I agree). Or maybe it was because it was her
first trip to the bottom three. Whatever the reason, bland Southerner
Chris — in the bottom three for the second week in a row, despite his
awesome perm — got the old heave ho.

The episode began with
footage from the mansion, which was filmed immediately after the
performance show ended. Lukas, Chris, and Jill were defensive about the
negative comments they’d received from the band. However, Toby reminded
them that it was in their own best interests to act on Supernova’s
advice, since they are the ones who will ultimately choose the winner.

When
asked about the footage and their comments from the performance show,
nearly every contestant was conciliatory, if not obsequious. But Zayra
wouldn’t back down from her statement that the guys in Supernova had
their heydays when she was still an infant.

Gilby asked Zayra if
she felt it was important to be familiar with the Supernovans past
albums. Zayra explained, “I am familiar, but you asked if I owned
anything.” She elaborated that, growing up in Puerto Rico, she couldn’t
afford to buy whole albums. She was only able to afford 45RPM record
singles. Gilby nodded and smiled with the smug satisfaction that comes
only from knowing you once amassed a huge fortune by taking every last
dime of disposable income from the pockets of young Puerto Rican girls.
I know that smile; I’ve worn it myself.

Toby gave an encore
performance of “Somebody Told Me” that was just as good as the night
before. Then it was time to announce which performers landed in the
bottom three.

Jenny was the only other person to spend time at
the bottom besides the three singers — Zayra, Chris, and Jill —
mentioned as the early bottom-feeders at the end of last night’s
performance show. Eventually, Jenny’s vote totals went back up, and the
original bottom three became the final bottom three.

Jill – “Bring Me To Life” by Evanescence
It
was smart to do a song that Zayra butchered last week. Jill did a much
better job with it, and Zayra didn’t look amused during the
performance. This is the Jill we’ve waited to see. She set the bar
super high for Zayra and Chris.

Zayra – “You Really Got Me” by The Kinks
She
liked her own arrangement so much, Zayra decided she wanted a chance to
improve on her first performance. She actually did do a better job, not
that it could’ve been much worse. She added a few hysterical screams
that managed to stay in key, and she added some spastic upper body
movements as well. She showed that she might have the potential to be
more of a performance artist than even Dilana.

Chris – “If You Could Only See” by Tonic
If
this was authentic Chris, I think I want inauthentic Chris back. His
eyes were squinting and reopening out of sync with one another, and his
mouth looked like a hole punched through a piece of sad, wet clay; his
face looked like it was melting. But he actually did a decent job
singing. It was the best we’d heard from Chris, so at least he got to
end on a high note.

After deliberating with his bandmates, Gilby
commended Jill on her voice, Zayra on her performance, and Chris on his
willingness to act on their comments. After a brief pause, Tommy told
Jill what the rest of us already knew. She was safe this week.

Despite
Chris’s efforts to change in order to please Supernova, Tommy told
Chris that he “didn’t cut it” and was the second rocker eliminated.
Zayra returned to the other contestants and celebrated by sitting in
Phil’s lap and lying on Magni.

Dave told Chris that tonight’s
performance was his best, and each of the guys made a point of
encouraging Chris. But like the band said, Zayra does put on a heck of
a show. That was reason enough to keep her around for another week.

On this week’s Rock Star: Supernova, some contestants shed their first-week jitters. Others confirmed that they’re just plain bad. Non-North Americans Magni and
Toby had big turnarounds, while stateside schlubs Chris and Phil
continued to struggle.

Because CBS had to fit 14 performances in
an hour-long show, there was no filler at the top of this week’s
episode. Host Brooke Burke sent us right to the music.

Magni – “My Generation” by The Who
Wonderful
job! He’s showing some of the charisma that’s made him a hit in
Iceland. His singing was dead-on, and he showed how one can have great
stage presence without flailing about. If he keeps this up, he’s going
to be a force throughout the competition.

Jenny Galt – “Tainted Love” by Soft Cell
Ooh,
she gave the song a really creepy arrangement. Better than last week,
but she needs to control the vocal vibrato. She looks like a rock ‘n’
roll Heidi Klum.

Jill Gioia – “Violet” by Hole
She
stole Courtney Love’s schtick by wearing a wedding dress and holding a
bouquet — not a good move when your judges actually know Courtney.
Jill claimed it was her own interpretation, but Dave Navarro pointed
out that Courtney sported a wedding dress and roses on her album’s
cover.

As uncomfortable as Jill’s Courtney Love impression was,
it wasn’t nearly as uncomfortable as Tommy Lee asking Jill if she was
wearing anything under the dress. Mercifully, the network cut out Dave
Navarro’s further speculation as to what he thought he’d seen under the
dress. For a full recap from someone who attended the live taping, go
to the “Backstage Spoilers” section of Television Without Pity’s Rock Star forum.

Zayra Alvarez – “You Really Got Me” by The Kinks
Zayra is not good. She dresses like Milla Jovovich in Ultraviolet,
and she doesn’t know what to do onstage, not to mention with her
voice. It’s hard to watch her competitors laughing during her
performances.

But Zayra is my hero because of what she said
after her performance. When Gilby accused her of not knowing what the
band was looking for, she said, “That’s because you haven’t told us
what you want.” When the band asked if she even owned any of their
albums, she retorted that she “was wearing diapers when [they were] out.”

Chris Pierson – “Take Me Out” by Franz Ferdinand
He’s
like a decent karaoke singer in your local bar. Dave Navarro said,
“It’s like I’m watching a winner of a charity contest.” Dave also told
Chris that his performance lacked authenticity.

Chris’s lack of
experience showed tonight. Magni was able to adjust the mic stand while
singing, without missing a beat or looking away from the audience. When
Chris tried to do the same, he knocked the stand over. Not the move of
an experienced frontman.

Dilana – “Ring of Fire” by Johnny Cash
Dressed
like a vampire, Dilana rearranged the song so that it sounded like
Johnny Cash mixed with a slowed down version of Led Zeppelin’s
“Kashmir.” She owns every performance she gives, and that’s something
that can’t be taught. Along with her honesty in the reality episodes,
it’s easy to see why she’s a fan favorite.

Josh Logan– “With Arms Wide Open” by Creed
He’s
wearing a flannel shirt and bleached jeans. What decade does he think
this is? I hate this song, and he’s not helping it. He does so many
vocal runs, trills, and ad libs, he belongs on Idol, not Rock Star. Dave told him not to overdo the affectations, but I can’t see that happening.

Phil Ritchie– “If You Could Only See” by Tonic
He’s
wiggling so much that it’s almost enough to distract from his crappy
singing. While Tommy seems to have a serious crush on Phil, Jason
Newstead said, “I have to close my eyes to enjoy your voice.”

Storm Large – “Surrender” by Cheap Trick
The
crazy eyes are back. But she’s so into her performance that it’s fun to
watch her. Dave
told her to control her Broadway tendencies: “Have character, don’t be
a character.”

Patrice Pike – “Heart Shaped Box” by Nirvana
She looks like the woman in the allergy medicine commercial
who can’t perform without her pills. Uninspiring, but solid. She
belongs in small clubs, where she’ll have a long career as a local
favorite somewhere.

Lukas Rossi– “Don’t Panic” by Coldplay
He’d
be wise not to choose any more slow songs because there is nothing
pretty about his voice. Jason warned Lukas that, by constricting his
voice, he could be doing long term damage to it.

Ryan Star – “Jumpin’ Jack Flash” by The Rolling Stones
He
strained to hit a lot of the notes–not because they were out of his
range, but because he was trying so hard to seem like he was rocking
out. Not as good as last week.

Dana Andrews– “Born to Be Wild” by Steppenwolf
She wore a bustier, surely to her parents’ dismay. She’s bubbly and country, which means she’d do very well on Nashville Star.
So much so, it’s mind boggling why she would want to be on this show
instead. She’s not rock enough to be here, even if she does wear
leopard print.

Toby Rand – “Somebody Told Me” by The Killers
It’s
Charlie from Driveshaft! He got off the island! Where was this guy last
week? He’s got a strong, clean voice and tons of energy. I’d buy his
version of this song from MSN.

At the end of the show, the early
bottom three were Jill, Chris, and Zayra. At this point, the people who
don’t perform like they mean it are in the most danger.

Best Performances:
Magni
Dilana
Toby

Worst Performances:
Zayra
Chris
Phil

Despite
her giving one of the most awful performances in Rock Star history, my vote
went to Zayra. Having the courage to stand up to the band earned her
another chance.

Big news from CBS. Rock Star: Supernova has changed nights, due to the poor performance it put up last week against So You Think You Can Dance and America’s Got Talent. Performance shows will now air on Tuesday nights at 9 EST, and Elimination episodes will air Wednesday nights at 8 EST.

If
this week’s reality episode is any indication, there will be at least a
few awful performances — not exactly what CBS was hoping for to turn
the show’s fortunes around.

After Matt’s elimination, the
rockers raised a toast in his honor at the mansion. Phil recognized
that he survived elimination because of his song choice more than his
performance. Only half-jokingly, Ryan told Phil, “We don’t know how
you’re still here.”

Chris felt that his own continuing presence
was deserved, and then told Lukas that Phil probably wasn’t long for
the competition. Privately, Lukas said that Chris had better do more to
show why all of his self-confidence is warranted.

Dilana wasn’t
sure that being picked for the season’s first encore was entirely a
good thing. She feared that early favoritism might earn her enemies in
the mansion, and she wasn’t comfortable with the added pressure — a
surprising change from the fearless performance she gave.

When
it came time for the second round of song selection, contestants took
the task much more seriously than they did the first time. Phil became
nervous when he only recognized three of the fourteen possible songs.

Zayra
wanted to sing “Violet” by Hole, until she heard Jill practicing the
vocals. Since she didn’t know the song particularly well, and Jill did
such a good job just practicing it, Zayra traded songs with Jill.

The
song Zayra wound up with, “You Really Got Me” by The Kinks, was just as
unfamiliar to her as the Hole song. It showed during rehearsals with
the House Band. About Zayra’s rehearsal, house band leader Paul said
simply, “It’s really bad.”

Chris felt sure that he’d erased all
memories of his wretched rendition of “Roxanne” with his performance of
“L.A. Woman.” But Paul said that Chris wasn’t out of the woods yet.
Paul repeatedly tried to teach Chris the melody of his song, “Take Me
Out” by Franz Ferdinand, but Chris was never able to correctly repeat
the melody back to Paul.

Eager to show her versatility, Dilana
decided to rearrange Johnny Cash’s classic “Ring of Fire” as a ballad.
The House Band tried to get into the spirit of the rearrangement, but
predicted that Dilana will either get all of the audience votes or none
at all.

Dilana was aware of the risk she was taking. “It could be the death of me.”

And emphasizing just how long people’s memories are, she said, “It could be my ‘Roxanne’.”

Matt was the first singer eliminated from Rock Star: Supernova, giving
the audience a better idea of what Supernova will ultimately sound
like. Here’s a hint: they won’t sound like Duran Duran.

The
episode began with a look at some of the footage from the web episode
— and some questions about last night’s performances. Dave Navarro
asked Chris if he regretted picking “Roxanne,” to which he foolishly
answered, “No.”

New footage filmed at the mansion after the
performance show further indicated that Chris may be a little
delusional. In an interview snippet, he said,”I wouldn’t be here if I
wasn’t one of the best singers in the world.” There are probably
several hundred platinum-selling artists who would disagree.

Later
that evening at the mansion, Lukas put Dana on the spot by asking her
to name the singers she thought deserved to be in the bottom three.
When Matt turned the question back on Lukas, he wouldn’t answer, only
saying, “A lot of you sucked.”

After the footage, we returned to
the live footage. Dave asked Lukas to finally spill his bottom three.
Lukas picked Chris, Dana, and Jenny.

The Supernovans then
announced their favorite performance from the previous show. They
picked Dilana to do an encore of “Lithium.”

Brooke asked all of
the contestants who were in the bottom three at some point during the
previous night’s voting to stand. Chris, Phil, Magni, Matt, Zayra, and
Ryan were all asked to rise.

Brooke announced that the final
members of the bottom three would be allowed to perform songs of their
choosing. Here’s who went, and how they did:

Chris – “L.A. Woman” by The Doors
The
song showed the limits are of Chris’ voice. He has no high range —
it’s like he’s doing a poor Ian Astbury imitation. But it was an
improvement over “Roxanne.”

Phil – “Stars” by Switchfoot
Phil
has no charisma. The way he carries himself makes it look like he’s
made of Jell-o, and he sounds like he just came from the dentist. He
slides to hit every note. Time to go back to the chem lab, Phil.

Matt – “Planet Earth” by Duran Duran
He
obviously was surprised to be in the bottom three. He sang the slowest
song of the night, which usually doesn’t go over well with the voting
public. Duran Duran was a weird choice, but Matt had rearranged the
song to make it heavier.

Unfortunately, the band just looked
confused during the performance. Too bad Butch wasn’t around to stick
up for Duran Duran. Matt sounded really good, but he might be better
suited for a band like The Killers.

When it came time to
eliminate someone from the competition, Supernova immediately sent Phil
back to the group, because Tommy’s a fan of Switchfoot. Then, Tommy
stressed the importance of song selection and eliminated Matt.

To
Matt’s credit, he was so gracious in his farewell speech that he made
Tommy feel awful for having kicked him off of the show. Tommy should
feel bad, because he booted the only one of those three who can
consistently sing well.

So now we know that the men of Supernova
lack any sense of humor (or irony), and — despite their protestations
that their band is not metal — anyone who picks a song that does not
at least qualify as hard or classic rock is in serious jeopardy. Good
luck to Matt. He’s better off without these chumps anyway.

Rock Star’s second season officially kicked off tonight, and host
Brooke Burke was as scantily clad as ever. Evidently, co-host Dave
Navarro spent most of the winter looking up Brooke on the internet. Ah,
how I’ve missed Dave’s creepy banter.

Brooke explained that
voting would begin immediately after the evening’s final performance,
and that, like last season, the three performers receiving the fewest
fan votes would be up for ejection on tomorrow night’s results show.
Then, it was on to the performances:

Storm Large – “Pinball Wizard” by The Who
It’s hard not to sound silly singing this goofy song, but she’s got a strong voice. She’ll be around for a while.

Ryan Star – “Iris” by The Goo Goo Dolls
He’s
going for the troubled guy vibe, so it’ll be nice to see him break out
of that at some point, because he’s got tons of potential. Solid vocals
by Ryan and a nice song arrangement by the House Band.

Toby Rand – “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door” by Bob Dylan
He
had the band play acoustic, which just put a spotlight on his constant
vocalizations and scatting. It was like he couldn’t stand to let a
second of music go by without vocals. But the band’s producer, Butch
Walker, said that Toby’s got the kind of voice that records really well.

Patrice Pike – “Somebody to Love” by Jefferson Airplane
She
did a great job interacting with the House Band. It looked like she was
gonna make out with Raphael. Very strong performance.

Magni – “Satisfaction” by The Rolling Stones
A
little underwhelming. His Mick Jagger impression looked more like
drunken stumbling. Even the band looked like they’d expected more from
Magni. But points for draping himself all over Brooke as she sent the
show to commercial.

Zayra Alvarez – “Bring Me to Life” by Evanescence
She’s
got an awful, nasal quality to her voice, and she sounded out of breath
the entire song. Zayra’s pretty enough that Jason Newsted proposed
marriage to her, but that’s the closest she’s gonna get to being a
member of the band. You can be top groupie and never get a sniff of the
stage.

Jenny Galt – “This Is How You Remind Me” by Nickelback
She’ll
stick around, but she needs some better songs. She wasn’t sure on the
notes, but she’s got a poppy, airy quality to her voice that’s pretty
and interesting. And she can can play guitar without looking at the
chords. Hopefully she’ll get another shot.

Josh Logan – “She Talks to Angels” by The Black Crowes
He has no look and did a total vocal imitation of Chris Robinson. There’s only one Mr. Kate Hudson, pal, and you ain’t it.

Matt Hoffer – “Yellow” by Coldplay
He
really knows how to engage an audience, and his voice was up to the
task–without sounding like a Chris Martin impersonation. It’s too bad
that the song’s pace was a bit slow compared to the rest of the songs
tonight. He should do great next week.

Dilana – “Lithium” by Nirvana
She’s scary. And she sounds like she swallowed razor blades. That said, she’s kind of captivating. And scary.

Dana Andrews – “I’m the Only One” by Melissa Ethridge
The
resident Southern belle should’ve avoided this song like the plague,
since it’s such a cliched choice for female performers on shows like
this. And she’s young enough that she hasn’t learned how to control her
voice yet. She may be a few years away from lead singer status.

Phil Ritchie – “Cult of Personality” but Living Colour
He sounded ridiculous and looked like a nerd trying to look tough — kind of like when Ryan Gosling was on Young Hercules. It was an embarrasing performance.

Jill Gioia – “Piece of My Heart” by Janis Joplin
This
is the third Janis Joplin impression of the evening (after Patrice and
Dana). I hope she picks something really different next week. She’s got
killer pipes and good stage presence, so let’s see if she can reach her
full potential.

Chris Pierson – “Roxanne” by The Police
Wow,
this was terrible. The normally stoic Jason laughed at him throughout
the performance, and Gilby told him he stunk. Butch criticized him for
doing a bad arrangement of the song.

Lukas Rossi – “Rebel Yell” by Billy Idol
The
House Band ruled! The song was a great choice by Lukas, who nailed the
vocals and was controlled chaos onstage. It was the best performance of
the night, rivalling some of the best from last season.

Best of the night: Lukas, Ryan, and Storm.

Worst of the night: Chris, Phil, and Zayra.

Not the best, but deserving of another chance: Jenny, Patrice, and Matt.

My vote goes to Lukas. If he doesn’t get tomorrow night’s encore, I’ll be shocked.

Rock Star: Supernova’s first televised episode airs tomorrow
night, but the season’s first web-only episode is already online.
Here’s a look at all of the contestants, along with a recap of the
first web episode.

The Dudes
Chris Pierson
– A moody, introspective singer from Atlanta who bears an unfortunate
resemblance, both vocally and physically, to pretentious Creed frontman
Scott Stapp.
Josh Logan – New Hampshire native who
thinks that Pearl Jam, Bon Jovi, Stevie Wonder, and Tupac Shakur
constitute an interesting and diverse group of musical influences.
Lukas Rossi
– Canadian who wears more makeup than anyone else in the mansion. But
he’s worked with Alex Lifeson of Rush, so he can do whatever the hell
he wants.
Magni – An Icelandic pop star who, like all Icelandic pop stars, only needs one name.
Matt Hoffer – A Chicago boy who can go back to being a rockin’ real estate agent if this whole rock ‘n’ roll thing doesn’t work out.
Phil Ritchie – Maryland native who looks as un-metal as you can get, even with his requisite chin spinach.
Ryan Star
– Hails from Long Island, New York and uses the clever stage name
R.Star to hide the fact that he’s got the same name as a former
American Idol contestant.
Toby Rand – Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Oi, Oi, Oi!

The Babes
Dana Andrews – Georgia girl with a Marie Osmond vibe (a little bit country).
Dilana – Tough chick from South Africa with lots of tattoos and, like Magni, only one name.
Jenny Galt – Sweet Canadian girl who looks too nice to be hanging around the likes of Tommy Lee.
Jill Gioia – Shrimpy New Yorker who has a pair of shoes named after her.
Patrice Pike – Texas gal who looks like the bad girl version of Nicole Jamrose from Nashville Star.
Storm Large – Yes, that is her real name.
Zayra Alvarez – Native Puerto Rican who performs in English and Spanish.

The first online episode of Rock Star: Supernova
found the contestants observing a jam session by the band members in a
recording studio. Tommy Lee greeted the contestants with a cheerful,
“Welcome, kids.” Several responded, “Hi, Dad,” reminding us of just how
creepy it will be when old man Tommy starts hitting on the young ladies.

Immediately,
Tommy and bandmates Gilby Clark and Jason Newsted asked for volunteers
to make up lyrics for their new track and sing them in front of the
group. Like students in a Physics class, everyone looked at the ground,
assuming that if they didn’t make eye contact with Tommy, they wouldn’t
have to go first.

Eventually, Chris offered to go first, earning
him points with the band and his competitors. He yarled a chorus and
verse without embarrassing himself. Tiny Jill went next and showed that
one need not be large to have powerful pipes.

Zayra revealed
herself as the contestant likely to be voted off first with her bizarre
in-studio attempt. Dressed like early-80s Rick Springfield, she squawked
goofy lyrics like, “This is the way we rock and roll, baby. This is the
way we like it.” Gilby said he was confused by her performance, while
Jason simply shook his head.

Everyone else performed admirably,
except for Ryan. He refused to even try, claiming later that it was a
strategic move–though it seemed more borne of self-consciousness.
However, the band viewed it as a lack of commitment to the project,
putting him at a serious disadvantage.

The contestants checked
out the mansion, which is the same as last season (as is the show’s
theme song, “New Sensation” by INXS). People picked out their roommates
and bedrooms, but Ryan was left out of the process. His refusal to
participate in the studio session isolated him socially from the other
contestants. He wound up in the last available bed, in a room with a
couple of the other guys.

When it came time for song selection,
several of the disputes were settled through arm wrestling and
rock-paper-scissors contests. Chris foolishly chose “Roxanne” by the
Police, only to discover that the vocals were out of his range. Many of
the songs available were repeats from last season.

If last
season was any indication, Ryan could be this season’s ringer. He was
practicing the Goo Goo Dolls’ “Iris” as the episode closed, and he
sounded pretty good. Last season, JD Fortune was a social outcast in
the mansion, before being chosen as INXS’s lead singer. Jill looks like
an early favorite as well, with the right brand of pretty vocals and
grungy screams.

Don’t think for a second that the women don’t
have a shot in a band of high-testosterone headbangers. Supernova’s
producer, Butch Walker, has written and produced for Avril Lavigne and
Pink, so he’s used to working with female vocalists. And if the band
members really want to do something different than what they’ve done in
the past, the easiest way is by hiring a female singer.

Zayra’s
in the most trouble, based on her studio performance, and Chris could
be in trouble as well if he can’t get a handle on his song. Voting
starts immediately following tomorrow night’s TV premiere and will
remain open for four hours. Go to the official Rock Star: Supernova website to cast your vote online.

(Note: Sorry, Treasure Hunters fans. This show is so horrific, I can’t even watch it anymore — much less cover it. This will be my last TH recap.)

After being eliminated last week, the Brown family returned to Treasure
Hunters and actually did something quickly for once. They found their
artifact first and sent the Hanlons back to Texas.

Without explanation,
the contestants started the episode in Boston, even though they finished the
last leg in Montana. The Grad Students tearfully announced that they’d be
leaving the race to spare Jessica’s knee further injury, after her stumble last
week.

The next morning, the teams learned that the Browns would be
replacing the Grad Students. The contestents’ newest clue instructed them to
find the old Burke School in Chelsea, MA. Five teams decided to follow Boston
natives the Southie Boys; team Air Force and the Fogal family headed in
different directions. However, Air Force reached the school in first place,
while the Fogals got lost.

Old Burke was a creepy, abandoned school with
graffiti on every wall and Revolutionary War facts written on a chalkboard in
one of the classrooms. In one room, graffiti read, “Look until you can see no
more.” For some reason, this hint prompted the Air Force team to focus on one of
the facts on the chalkboard, which mentioned “the shot heard round the world.”
They headed out to find the location of the shot, just before all the other
teams, except the Fogals, were arriving at the school.

The real clue was
actually graffitied on the classroom’s walls in glowing ink. Though none of the
teams currently at the school had seen the graffiti hint, Kid Hanlon decided to
turned off the room’s lights. Written in glow-in-the-dark paint on the wall were
the next two clue locations: Old Newgate Prison and Wentworth
House.

Teams were forced to pair up. Each team in the pair headed to a
separate location, and then compared their clues over the phone.

As the
six teams at the school paired up, the Fogals called the Geniuses for
directions. Francis the Genius told them that his team was lost as well. The six
teams split up, with three teams driving to each location, and leaving the
Fogals and Team Air Force to fend for themselves.

Eventually realizing
they’d missed a clue inside of the school, Air Force drove back to Burke. Upon
figuring the clue, they called the Fogals, a team they’d helped on previous
tasks. They told the Fogals to skip the school and drive to Old Newgate Prison,
while the Air Forcers made their way to Wentworth House.

Ex-CIA, the
Hanlons, and the Southies went to Wentworth House, where they were instructed to
look for a hollow bullet with a message inside, an old soldiers’ trick for
concealing information. The bullets were under a board in the floor. Each
message had only half of the information needed for it to make complete
sense–the corresponding messages from the prison would complete the
clue–though it did hint that the teams should head to the Old North Church. In
case you didn’t know, many things are “Old” in Boston.

Air Force arrived
at the House just as the other three teams were leaving. They then deduced that
the other six teams were all working against them and the Fogals, so they rushed
to find their clue and called their partners.

Because they’d been so
off-target searching for the school, the Fogals were actually closer to Old
Newgate Prison than anyone else. They found their hollow bullet in the old
copper mines underneath the prison, with flashlights providing their only
light.

Combining clues, the Fogals and Air Force concluded that they
needed to go to the cemetery by Old North Church and look in a clocktower for
lights. The Revolutionary code “One if by land, two if by sea,” would determine
where they needed to go next.

The remaining teams found their clue under
the prison and called their partner teams to collaborate. The Hanlons were
already resentful of the Browns readmission to the game and refused to work with
them, making fake static noise over their cell phone. But the Browns were able
to get the correct information from other teams and drove to the Old North
Church.

In the cemetery, teams saw two lights in the tower, which meant
they were to catch a ferry to Boston’s famous lighthouse, Boston Light. The
teams raced to Pemberton Pier to get tickets for their ferries, which would
leave the following morning.

The ferries were to leave in fifteen-minute
intervals, and each ferry could carry a maximum of two teams. The teams who
arrived later–the Geniuses, Miss USA, the Fogals, and the Browns–negotiated
with the faster teams to share ferries. Unfortunately for the Browns, the
Hanlons refused to share their ferry, meaning the Browns would arrive at the
lighthouse last.

At Boston Light the following morning, teams had to
unlock boxes to find this episode’s artifact. However, they weren’t given any
clue as to the four-digit combinations of the two locks on each of their boxes.
The contestants from the first two ferries–Southie Boys, Geniuses, Miss USA,
and ex-CIA–unsuccessfully tried numbers associated with the Revolutionary War,
until one of the Geniuses noticed many small white stones laid out on the ground
in what seemed to be a pattern.

From atop the lighthouse, Charles the
Genius realized the rocks formed Roman numerals. The first four teams helped
each other unlock their new artifact, an engraved box. Before leaving the
lighthouse, they made sure to relock each cluebox before the third boat–with
Air Force and the Fogals–arrived.

Air Force and the Fogals unlocked
their artifacts just before the Hanlons arrived. Kid Hanlon went to the top of
the lighthouse, while Dad and Uncle Hanlon searched the lighthouse museum for
clues.

The Browns arrived on the island, and at the top of the
lighthouse, Kid Hanlon apologized to Tonny Brown for the scene at the dock.
Tonny accepted, and both guys made their way down the lighthouse with the Roman
numeral combinations.

Although Kid Hanlon got the combination to his team
first, none of the Hanlons knew what the Roman numeral ‘L’ stood for. The
Browns, who knew that ‘L’ stood for ’50,’ opened up a box to find that one of
the earlier teams had capriciously replaced the artifact with a
rock.

Once they realized that the Browns had sussed out the lock
combinations, a desperate Dad and Uncle Hanlon tried to look over the shoulders
and under the legs of the Browns as they entered their combinations. The Browns
played successful defense, eventually finding a box with an artifact, and the
Hanlons wound up being eliminated.

Though I’m still not sold on the show,
this episode was an improvement over previous weeks. We still know next to
nothing about the teams, but this episode had some competitive tension. Teams
are still mentioning the sponsored products throught the show, but it’s easy to
tune out the brand names after three weeks. The only things that are still
annoying are the Genworth Financial ads/clues that are photoshopped into certain
scenes. Since the teams never seem to notice them, it’s obvious that they were
added later, making the show look a little amateurish.

Next time, teams
search for an artifact in New York, and the Fogal girl freaks out in a swamp.

George Hamilton Breaks a Record
George Hamilton recently presided over the unveiling of the world’s biggest beach towel. I wish I could offer an explanation.

Drew’s High Standards
Drew Lachey tells People magazine that he won’t allow his brother Nick to baby-sit little Isabella until his diaper-changing chops have been put to the test.

O’Hurley On Stage
John O’Hurley recently took over the role of Billy Flynn for a limited run of the musical Chicago. Here are links to an interview he conducted with the St. Petersburg Times, as well as that paper’s review of his performance.

Speaking of St. Petersburg
While vacationing in Sarasota last week, my husband and I drove to St. Petersburg for the Millenium Dancesport Championships. We went on Friday, hoping to take in some of the daytime competition.

To
our dismay, we discovered that the hotel was located in the same area
as the Warped Tour music festival, meaning that tens of thousands of
teenagers had already claimed every parking spot within miles of the
hotel. We gave up on the dance competition and headed back to Sarasota,
where we instead spent the afternoon dolphin-watching. Not such a bad trade.